HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

I keep getting told I should get tax credits, as if it's something that comes as standard for a single parent.

I'm entitled to nothing except child benefit, which we got anyway, and a discount on council tax, which isn't much for a small house, I'm running the same house and supporting the same child with less money coming into the household account and no one paying for anything extra, like meals or or holidays. I've cut back where I can, and were using considerably less loo roll :)

We can manage but not if I end up with a big mortgage from buying H out, that's my worry, I'll end up borrowing for longer to keep the payments manageable and that will impact on financial planning for retirement.

Rant over, for too get back to work.

Ha ha Bobs I don't think you'd want to touch that pineapple, not knowing from whence it came grim.....

At least I haven't had any more incoming from FF, he can only email anyway.
I want it to be over, but I'm scared as well...

In time I will forget the things he said, and I will forget the things he did,
< or won't care any more> but I will never forget the way he made me feel, that will stay with me forever.

Being a bit of a negative nelly today, sorry lovely Hobbiteers, c u all later...x

I'd love to be self sufficient and not rely on MAR or benefits but unfortunately it just didn't work out for me that way and am now considered unemployable even for low paid jobs. Thankfully I also paid my way in taxes before I was medically retired so also don't feel so guilty plus with h being in higher tax bracket I know it pisses him off contributing to the welfare state ... So that makes me laugh as he kind of put me there. Maybe when the divorce is done and dusted if I feel any healthier I might take on OU but I'm a bit limited with speech and hearing difficulties. I just started getting ctc but my worry is when dd moves onto uni ( providing she actually returns to school ! ). MAR had plans for us you see, take the pension before he's 50, do his year Bar exams or join bank in security advice, or international f'ing KNR ( thinks highly of himself ) and have us live quite comfortably.... Funny how things change - Now he still has the same plan, just minus me ! So I need to see if there is any way I can argue for more than half his pension... Not near that point yet ... Anyway if Hobs would like to jump in a plane with a couple of pineapples, she would love this adventure as MAR is also a Lycra clad twunt and seeing as he has diverticulitis, it would provide me with with extra pleasure and him considerably more pain lol

Braving Child Tax credits is something you have to apply for, and you have to fill in a renewal from every year. Then there's Working Tax credits if you work 16+ hrs a week. You have to phone them up initially, and every time you need to make a change, which can take a wile, so pick a quiet time of day. You can be waiting over ½ hr. Renewals can be done online.

Sorry if you know all this already

1 don't know which board Maths GCSE your son took, but see this

Whatyousee are you going to get that drawn up into a legal agreement? Presumably he is the higher earner and this arrangement would require him to transfer a large portion of his earnings to you. To be honest I just can't see him doing it especially when he moves and needs to fund his lifestyle with OW. I dont mean to put a downer on it and i admire the way you are dealing with him taking no nonsense its just that I know what these cheating bastards are like. If he is genuinely agreeable to this at the present time get legal advise and hurry up and get it tied down legally before he changes his mind.

Bobs I'm just not eligible, I think I'm what they call the squeezed middle :)

You're right MrsC they deserve happiness (as any cost). Who are we to stand in their way. The weasel wanted romance again, his quote "romantic love is important"...well it sure is but so is the unconditional love you give and receive from your children. The same children who's childhood has been blighted by their selfish behaviour.

And I think you're right...they're a pair of c u next Tuesdays...there's no other word after what they have done to you.

It is shocking that they can push us onto benefits and then they actually think we have disposable income. Where? I would love to be siphoning off money into my Swiss bank account but unfortunately not this month or for the foreseeable future. Although I did buy another two pillowcases today...this excessive spending is getting out of hand.

I know this is a hole I am going to struggle to get out of
This is the hole he forced you into but you will rise again...I have no doubt.

As for the joint finances...I will advise my girls to always be self sufficient and have money to fall back on. The weasel left us with nothing. He even moved £1 interest out of my little girls old account into his current one. Over the years I've cashed in shares and pensions...what a complete idiot.

My counsellor asked me if I'd been happy for the whole marriage - well of course I hadn't but I had never thought of running off, I'm an adult who knows marriages have ups and downs.

Iget it's a shame we're so far apart geographically - especially as they are so similar we could have got two for the price of one at the solicitors!

It just gets me the way all these so called men despise people on benefits but they think nothing of pushing they're own family onto them.

hobbit
^" don't you want me to be happy?"

No, I fucking don't !......^
Well said.

FFS, you're not helping yourself are you? You need to get a grip
Really what planet is he on. The only grip I'll get is around his throat!

Braving I'm lucky in that we are still on the old system here. Once Universal Credit arrives, I wouldn't get anything. Luckily it should be after I'm not eligible to get it anyway due to DD having left school.

Anyway, I'm off to visit DD1 at uni for her design show now. It'll be good to get away for a bit, and luckily she has small double beds in her house, so room for a little one . It'll be the first time I've been anywhere since Christmas. will keep up on here on my mobile

Not caught up on thread today but not sure if twunt is trying to pull a stunt. im waiting for a reply. The fact that I haven't got one yet implies that at the very least he is trying to wind me up. He shouldn't do that because what's now done cannot be undone. I don't hang about stewing, not any more.

Can I say something that I realise is very very ungrateful?

My MIL will have dd anytime, including overnight, which is great. However, she always asks where I'm going, who I'm going with etc.

I've booked an appointment to have my teeth whitened, it's a long appointment so I can't take dd with me, I really don't want to have to have a conversation with my MIL about the colour of my teeth [GRIN], how much it's costing, why I'm having it done etc. and then the reverse conversation about the colour when I pick her back up.

I can probably get a friend to have her, this time but my real issue is how will this work if/when I do start dating !!

bobs Thanks for maths link. It was edexcel and so cheered up DS2 no end to know that others thought questions odd. There were some he didn't even tackle. Wants me to forward the link to his maths teacher. Thank you. Don't think it went well Biology tomorrow. Currently hunting for the revision guide that he last saw goodness knows when.

Hope it goes well for your daughter tonight. Let us know.

Those of you with little DC don't read the next sentence. Does it ever end?????? I don't know why I asked that question as my parents are probably saying the same thing at the moment.

izzie I hope the house is still standing??

In time I will forget the things he said, and I will forget the things he did,
< or won't care any more> but I will never forget the way he made me feel, that will stay with me forever

I totally get you on this, Hobbit. But if you think about my story, and the length of it, I hope you will take comfort knowing that those feelings I have/had, the same as yours, do sink back. Remember, the mind is a wonderful thing, and it eventually pushes such traumas further and further away. Forgiving, of course, that's another matter. I will pm you xx

Why oh why is he here cutting the grass ? What possible reason can he offer ? And he's still playing the great ignoring me game. What's all that about ? If he really wants to ignore me then surely he should just fuck if back to his mates house !!
Twat

Off damn it F* off lol !!! Angry one finger typing

Fuck fuck fucking bastard !!!! He's taking the good lawnmower to his mates now and because I dared to ask him when he was bringing it back he got abusive " if I want to borrow the fucking lawnmower blah blah fucking blah and now I'm cross and annoyed with myself for even challenging him because he just gave me dogs abuse and now is running back thinking to twunty cunt buddy's house. So I said "why are you cutting the grass " ? "Because it's a fucking sight "!
"Well you don't live here any more so I don't know why you give a shit"
Seriously, why ???!!!!

Iget Because he's a twat and you dared to challenge him.

Mine tonight made such a hash of bedtime I'm not sure why he bothered. I had hoped to get out for an hour to go to the gym and instead I had to calm the DDs down and supervise. Ffs. They aren't babies. It's bloody deliberate.

I suggested mine might like to cut the grass this evening as he turned up at 5.30, rather than the agreed 7. You know as the house is on the market and I spend every hour keeping it tidy. But no, obviously too much to ask. Presumably I'm now supposed to be responsible for everything as well as working now too.

Braving and Toast ... Seriously I am actually beginning to wonder what I ever saw in this man, but then he's only being the bastard side of himself so what more should I expect . I mean I was good, doing well, all chuffed with myself because I single handedly wall papered the bedroom today ( nice and girly ) having only ever watched him or dm. Thinking to myself, this independent malarky is quite good, gives me a buzz.... Then he comes and shits all over my good mood.... Where is Hobbit with that bloody pineapple?!

Twunt's just go on being twunt's. We should expect it and nothing more.

I've spent the day either on bed or wrapped in a blanket on the sofa with a bad cold. I think that now I've got full time work my body could relax a bit and my defences were down. I start Monday, so I've a few days to get well.

I've also started having glimpses of some of the trauma I've been through. Son's OP, Dad's death, STBXH being a total bastard. I've suppressed a lot of emotion because there was nowhere to have it, so to speak. I needed to keep going.

Whatever happened, son's illness and op, Dad's last days, death and funeral, whatever, somehow Fuckwit dominated everything with his affairs and appalling behaviours. It can't possibly be coincidence. He put himself centre stage every time. My mum's funeral was dominated, for me, by Fuckwit stropping and sulking because he didn't like the way someone had spoken to him. Their tone of voice.

Don't know how I'll deal with all this long term.

Thinking to myself, this independent malarky is quite good, gives me a buzz.... Then he comes and shits all over my good mood

Iget me too! But remember that there will be plenty of times when he wont be able to ruin it.

I'm talking in riddles I know, but the twunt is clearly trying to provoke a reaction from me by what he's done and by refusing to reply to me. The thing is, I don't DO reactions to him now. And I won't. I've already taken action to stop him in his tracks, if somehow his actions would have an adverse effect on me, so there's no need to ramp it up any further, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. So the pompous little man who thought he was being so clever, is not so smart after all. Because, not only has the man I married long ago disappeared to be replaced by a hateful twunt, but also the wife he left behind, the bits of her that he created, the angry stonewalled person, well she pissed off too!