HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

What because I am now completely intolerant of ex's, I would suggest he is purposely fucking it up so you take over. I think you have to let him get on with it. At least you can lay all the blame at his door if nothing else. Suggest he gets over to town and visits the very many card shops available and finds something more suitable. What a tosser. Fortunately, I will never have to endure H at a birthday party...he's screwed himself with that one...

I think once you get started bills get sent on a monthly basis. They are always more than you expect due to the too-ing and fro-ong of email/ phone calls between sold that you might not realise is happening until afterwards.

I have given my sol a relatively large cheque (payment on account) from our joint account. He hasn't noticed yet...

Hello all.
These men's behaviour never ceases to amaze me. The party invitations?! They literally have no idea sometimes.
We are 21 days into no contact here. Dd is still happy and settled but has been asking about him more which I struggle with. I'm 26 weeks pregnant now and feeling massive. Still having good days and bad days but I think that's set to continue for the very distant future. I really don't think I'll ever get over this. Who abandons their children? I just don't understand, I don't think I ever will.

2little. You are amazingly strong. How anyone can abandon their pregnant wife and toddler is beyond comprehension. The only consolation is that in the long run you have to be better off without him.

Thank you 1. Sometimes I wonder if I make it worse in my head but it is truly awful isn't it?!
I am definitely better off without him but I don't know whether he will ever make contact with dd or the baby and my worry is that now I will always know he is capable of stopping contact with them whenever he feels like and they just don't deserve that.
The days are fine and I'm even managing weekends better but it's the evenings, I just need to be held and to fall apart and be told it will all be ok.i guess all any woman wants its for one decent guy to prove they're not all the same but this thread doesn't give me much hope anymore.

2little I'm sure there are decent guys our there - look at drifting ! And the reason we are on here is that we seem to have found the twuntier ones. We are not representative of all couples. It's just a question of finding one of the good guys

Oh 2little there are lots of decent men out there. My father would never have done what my H is doing and neither would his father. I know some thoroughly lovely men. I feel the same sometimes, that this is it for ever but the reality is that lots of people meet new partners and live happily ever after. You're young still and have your baby and another one soon. Concentrate on them and you and I'm sure that when the time is right, Mr Right will appear. Have faith and in the meantime try to enjoy your little ones.xx

You're right bobs. Perhaps one day, quite a long time from now. I wonder do we ever heal from this?
It's all the questions it leaves, the ones that there'll never be answers to, at least not honest ones anyway.
Just got to koko and hope it gets easier and that new Baby and toddler shall keep my mind busy enough to not be constantly thinking about this.

I'm sure we will eventually heal. In fact I'm positive. In the meantime it's our kids and/or friends that keep us going

Hi everyone, sorry , been out all day, and then been to a friends to watch a movie, I may have had some wine< a bottle> and can't work out who's who , can someone pm me and fill me in, it would be much appreciated,
Yours fuzzy headily, hobbit

I was thinking that too today, 2little , when will it not be the first thing that comes into my head in the morning?
When will i stop asking how could he do this? Sick of it, tbh, if I could get some brain bleach and erase him from my memory I would.

Thanks for a lovely day today. wwk , I will miss you when you go 'oop north to bonnie Scotland, x

Thank you too! I shall miss so many things when I'm gone oop North of North. Especially the guided tour of the Asda carpark - one of many highlights of a fantastic day! xx

2little...I cannot comprehend why these twats do what they do but that's because I'm a normal person with feeling and compassion.

Now that's what I need Hobbit...brain bleach or weasel killer whichever comes to hand first.

why I talk to DS2 a fair bit about this thread and your name came up in conversation. I read him that post of yours a week or so ago about when his usual stuff resulted in you Damaging something. It so graphically illustrated the methods these POs in particular inflict on their exes and how it affects them. It was more shocking reading it out loud. And a real eye opener for DS2.

Ha ha wwk car park tours are my speciality, along with drinking wine obvs....

Hobbit would these car park tours have anything to do with looking for single men with nice cars who might like to share your wine? or could you just not find the exit

hobbit I'm sure we all so identify with the first thing in the morning thoughts. It's a bit like that film Groundhog Day. I want to wake up in the morning and not think about it all for at least 10 minutes. It's all so draining all the time. I feel I've aged 10 years in 6 months.

I do believe there's a better future though for all of us. As much as anything, all you ladies are gorgeous looking, funny and compassionate. There are loads of perfectly decent men out there who are free/will become free later in life and will want to share things again with someone. I'm sure I'll never get married again, but I'm hopeful I'll find someone to share life with again one day. If not, it's got to be better to be alone than living with a disrespectful man who endlessly believes the grass is greener in other people's lives than his own. Koko all. I'm going to make a start on my weekend's pile of paper. Grrr x

First thing in the morning, last thing at night and at random hours through the night, it's still what's on my mind more than anything else. Keeping busy definitely helps I just wish I wasn't so emotionally and physically exhausted. I know there's a happy life ahead for us all and also a clear conscience. Family is everything, I will never understand why people do this.

It is so much more difficult for you 1 because of the strain of keeping everything secret, and knowing from your perspective when your family make comments about the future, that the future is going to change very soon for you all.
That must be so draining and cause you a lot of anxiety, it's no wonder it's hard. Thinking of you my lovely, x

2little you are so strong, you might not think that you are, but you really are amazing. Keeping your little family safe and healthy is all that matters now. Pregnancy is hard enough to cope with, without a toddler and the stress of a relationship break up to deal with as well.

You have RL family and friends to help you yeah? Ask them for help and try to rest and look after yourself, your health is very important. Xx

Bobs share my wine ? share MY wine?
Waddya talking about? Wash your mouth out my love....

Life really is better without them, the ones on here I mean. If you can't feel loved and stable within your own home, then it's not worth it. Of course it's awful having to deal with their leaving, I'm not underestimating that at all, how could I? But once you get further away time wise, you reach the conclusion that you just couldn't go back again.

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with practical stuff recently, more seems to come flying at me. When I feel like that I try to look back at what I have achieved rather than what there is still left to do. I think that last sentence is also a good mantra for the emotional side too

Hobbit - thank you, I'm really not that strong. All I think most days is how could he leave his daughter and never meet this baby? He wanted happiness, is this really it?
RL support is in short supply, my parents are my only real family and they're 2.5 hours away and both work and have commitments so we see them every 6 weeks for a long weekend. I could visit them more but I find the packing up and driving and then coming home to being alone quite hard to be honest. I have some good friends and neighbours though but you know what it's like, everyone has their own lives and in reality I have to get on with my own. I'm getting on with the practical side of things like housework and getting out everyday but it's things like painting the nursery and putting the sides back on the cot which I haven't done.

I would definitely rather be alone than with someone capable of this, it's funny isn't it, do you think these OW would be so keen if they actually knew and saw what these men had really done?
I was like a mum to his son and he lived with us for 3 years, it's his 18th birthday tomorrow and it's very clear his dad has influenced him to have nothing to do with us. That's heartbreaking but I shall just post his flying lesson which I've bought from dd and I and pray he doesn't send it back. I want him to know I still care about him and I always will, you don't just switch that off. And my children are his siblings. I wonder if maybe you guys will give me your opinions on baby names?