HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

iget and fuckit huge admiration for both of you, who are enduring the most awful of circumstances at the moment. And I'm glad the union are onto it, fuckit

Hobbit how could any of us desert you? We love you too much

bobs it might be worth checking to see if iwas is still up for doing the next thread. She's had quite a bit to contend with. But then you have your own stuff coming up too. So we could always throw it open if the timing is wrong. If necessary I will take it on. Purely so I can reinstate Jess to her rightful place. Sorry and all that, MrsC but, well, it's just not right. I could maybe compromise and ask if Jess could pose with a MrsCtini pineapple concoction

Hobbit I luffs ya. I luff ya more than I luffs Jess. And I luffs Jess loads. Just saying. No I haven't had wine

Fuckit if you have already told them the deadlines are impossible to meet (have you got this written down anywhere?) and they have done nothing to support you achieve this impossibility then its on them. Do they know your are going through personal shit at the moment? are you a member of a union?

My news. He wants a divorce. Sooner rather than later as he wants a "clean break"

I was going to leave it for the two year period of living separately. Am I right in that if we are to apply to divorce now then we need a reason? I am not sure he is going to agree to unreasonable behaviour somehow.

I'm dreading this.

Been feeling really low about things recently too, had a horrid week of work so far and wallowing in a self pity party

News from Planet Dickhead is......no news. Ah quel surprise. Again. I'm hoping that he may have met a sticky end like Major Tom in Space Oddity. Ever the optimist, me

News from Izbobs......I'm too busy to worry about non emails, too busy enjoying myself. Also too busy to worry about any emails that may arrive from PD.

me yes you will need a reason. And yes it will be unreasonable behaviour. But it doesn't have to be major things unreasonable. Try to get some agreement about what is acceptable to him. Alternatively he can petition for your unreasonable behaviour, again nothing contentious. But you will be advised by people on here that it's best if you petition and not him, so you gain control of it all.

According, Izzie's correct. I strongly recommend you divorce him on the grounds of his UB. These don't have to be stark - but just make the case that you cannot reasonably expected to live with him any longer.

E.g. He left the marital home on X date and does not intend to return. I cannot forgive him for this

He snores a lot. I cannot even share a bedroom with him.

etc.

Ideally, for the sake of keeping things calm, he should be sent a draft of your divorce petition before you submit it to court so he knows what is coming and it doesn't surprise him.

Really ideally, he could write the reasons you are divorcing him! It really is a bureaucratic (and stupid) process.

Once you've asked a judge to agree that your marriage has irretrievably broken down (they hardly ever disagree with a petition no matter how ludicrous it is) no one cares who is divorcing who. It is better to be the petitioner because that way he can't get an absolute until you've sorted out the children arrangements (if you can't agree between you) and the split of the assets (if you can't agree between you).

However, as the petitioner you have to pay the court costs. These can be claimed back, or agreed to split 50:50, or you just burden yourself with it. I known STBXH was furious that he had to pay for the absolute at the court that day - he had it in his head I would be paying for it. Arse.

Thanks Izzie

I guess the next step is to email him and work out how he wants to play this. I don't want to though.

I really really don't want to start this off yet. I want a divorce yes but having been through this once before I remember how traumatic it was, even though I wanted that one too (I know I am beginning to sound like Liz Taylor now)

It hurts like hello

I have been to the Drs - a lot. I am being treated, and have been for about three years, by the Hospital Chronic Pain management Clinic. I have just got a date through for some more epidurals. I also see the Pain Psychologist there.

I have also seen the Consultant appointed by work to examine me - an Occupational Health Dr. After a cursory examination and having seen no scans he declared me fit for full work without adjustments.

My GP is preparing a report testifying that both JHS and Depression (if they can be separated) are covered by the Equality Act - they affect day to day living substantially. He offered the last time I spoke to him having had a horrible meeting at work that he should sign me off for two months. Instead I went for an increase in anti-d to try and see the term out.

We do not get holidays, instead holiday to take in the holidays. As last half term my request for a days annual leave was refused as I was behind with work I don't know what will happen. As things stand at the moment I will lose leave now.

They have sent me a 'special leave' form to complete as I was late in yesterday after trying to see GP. It clearly states that it is for compassionate leave etc, and asks how many days absent I was. I have never taken TOIL as I know I have more time in medical appointments than most. Yesterday I was actually at work until 8.30 pm interviewing and marking but was humiliated in front of colleagues as I was told I needed to complete the form. No one has ever to my knowledge had to do this, I certainly haven't. It is a total publicly stated lack of trust. They have already demanded and had sick certificates even when I have been off only a few days. They want rid, and want me to jump ship to save them the effort of trying to get rid of me.

X Posted WWK thank you

I was the one who left. I had no choice but to leave because of his unreasonable behaviour.

Feels so bloody clinical.

He will resent anything he has to spend on this I know that.

I feel it will get nasty.

Oh no fuckit that sounds horrible

Yes Union at Regional Level involved. She has requested a meeting next Thursday to discuss the Grievance

They know about home life - but have lost patience whit me - the VPs words.

Yes, I have it in writing that I have told them many times I cannot meet the work load. I actually don't think I could have done it while fit. O=The major problem is marking. I have three prolapsed discs in my neck (just one of the things), I use a reading board but nonetheless cant mark for long.

fuckit you are in a strong position then, I am glad you have union involved and have it in writing. Try not to worry now (I know this is an impossibility) next Thursday to wait to sort it seems bloody harsh

((Hugs)) xXx

I have emailed H. Lets see what his proposals are and go from there.

Fuckit glad that the union is on your case. And so sorry you are having to deal with all of this stuff. It's truly appalling how some employers treat their staff, especially in these so called enlightened times

me well once he knows that this is the only way to get a divorce quickly, he has no choice. As WWK said, just keep bland reasons, no point in making it really awful by telling the truth. I think to keep control, I would do bland reasons, get the petition off and only then would I tell him what the reasons were. Don't want him to get in first. Ha, wonder if my ex's OW is reading this. In which case maybe I will get a petition served. Whatever. I will still be snuffling a large portion of his pension, and that is very unreasonable, isn't it haha

Izzie thank you

My inbox is full of special offers and things to buy for bloody fathers day, sick of hearing about it already.

(grumpy)

braving I know I am going to have to do all of this too. I'm dreading it.

Okay, I see Fuckit - you're doing everything right:

You're communicating with your doctor.
You're communicating with your employer.
You are doing everything you're told (e.g. seeing OccHealth)
You are asking for a break and been told 'no'.
You have tried to opt for additional medical assistance (Anti-D's) in order to keep working.
You've spoken to your union and sought advice there.

What more can you do?

Work is making you ill as much as your divorce is. Time to accept the advice, I think, of your union and your doctor. This is the time when you put your needs first.

And you need a break. There's only so much stress a person can manage at any one time, I think it's fair to say you've got more than most can handle right now, so you're not failing yourself or anyone else by saying 'stop' for a while. You're actually making a decision for you, in your best interests long-term.

Everything gets affected during divorce including our abilities at work. It doesn't mean you won't be brilliant again in the future. It's just right now you can't achieve the impossible.

According sorry I was working on an erroneous assumption there. It doesn't matter who left who (or why) in the bigger scheme of things. It's a sort of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' dilemma you've got: If you agree to divorce (at his request)...then it will hurt his feelings, and if you don't, he'll divorce you anyway (remember he can still divorce you for UB even if you don't agree with it!).

Divorce is amazingly clinical/bureaucratic on the one hand...and an emotional nightmare on the other. It can get very, very nasty (don't I know!) and it's shit, it really is. However, the is one very real thing to keep in mind: it ends.

So the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends. Once it's behind you, then you can start to build your life again.

I know it hurts. And it's hard. You're right to be scared and I'm not going to tell you he won't get nasty - it's his choice whether he does or not. Your responsibility is to look after yourself and make decisions based on your best interests, not because you're afraid of his temper.

WWK thank you so much, I know you are spot on.

I have my procrastination head on again.

perhaps a little bit of toddler tantrum thrown in. I don't want to face this.. I don't WANT to!

Made me laugh according! I have had many a foot stamping temper tantrum in the last year or so, it's a wonder I haven't started wearing Pampers Pull-ups.

I am too procrastinating about....going to buy some wine. I keep thinking 'nah, I won't, then mebbe I will'. I have, however, done four loads of washing today and got it all dried (in Wales - wonders never cease!) but I have failed spectacularly at the washing up.

Meh.

I do have something (one) to blame (always important) and for once it's not Izzie's fault. It's the bleeding cats. I've just got them home a few hours ago and I'm loving them loads. And very soon my life is going to be busy, and purposeful, and properly independent so I might as well enjoy what little free time I've got left and enjoy myself.

And what I really must, must, must stop: feeling so damned guilty all the time! I'm not even catholic.

I do have a cat asleep on my arm though so I'm still prevaricating and typing one-handed.

WWK I'm not even catholic.

hahahahaaaa! sorry but I am genuinely snorting at that. Nor am I and anyone who can see the "real" me on Fb will understand this.

I must be getting old, for me a breezy and sunny day is a good drying day in my book and washing must get done! I'm in the SW (Plymouth) its been spectacular today. My washing basket is empty!

Awww cats... I love my two boys so much, don't see enough pictures of Iwas kitties but understand this thread belongs to the awesome Jess XX

Never ever procrastinate on buying wine by the way..

Tis an essential purchase along with toilet roll, milk and bread

........other essentials being cigarettes and cola. In fact they ARE my only essentials.

...............ok, I do actually use toilet roll, thank you!!

LOL izzie

I gave up smoking in November 2013. I am a vaper now. Cannot quit vaping!

Can never ever give up toilet roll though!

And tea, I couldn't survive many hours days without tea :)