HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Yes, it was a good outcome, pink my love, but to have it reinforced that the happiness and welfare of his child isn't as important as "winning " some sort of victory over you is very hard to come to terms with.

The man is a callous idiot, you are a caring, responsible parent , you have done so well, KOKO lovely lady.

Yes Pink what Hobbit. How nice of the judge to award more than you asked for Yes it's such a pity when they show so little care and thought about their DC

Morning all, busy day yesterday and so I've just caught up. I've had enough of limbo state and am making plans. Saw a financial advisor yesterday evening which was interesting. Some stressful times ahead no doubt but life just has to go on and so I'm going to make it go on somehow.

Well done pink

It's good that it seems everyone on here who ends up going to court does in fact do ok in the end. Extremely stressful though I'm sure the whole process is and I'm hoping I won't end up there but if needs must.....:

Well another day another dollar. Here goes. KOKO xx

I've hopped over from the dark side lol

iget

is the dark side this secret FB thing - think I best join you ladies - whos in charge? can someone PM me please?

thanks ladies have done so - im excited now - is this sad

Morning green, not sad, hopefully a new fun thing.

Hope you're well today, been thinking of you.

Well off to work to see if I can put into practise everything I've been learning.

Morning all, good luck with the date what keeping everything crossed for you, including eyes and legs, should make for an interesting day !

Hope everyone doesn't totally go over to the dark side , and leave me on me tod, fb holds bad memories for me ,

Well done 1 on taking charge of your situation, he chose to do this to his family, you choose how you move forward with it. Don't let him dictate to you any longer , file your petition for unreasonable behaviour, < I'm sure you have grounds a plenty>

How much longer until the exams have finished? Thinking of you..

Can I just ask as a matter of interest? How much approx did it cost to deal with it all in court or is this an impossible question to answer? Everything I read says try to settle which I get. Just curious..

As green said re jewellery I have a book that states that jewellery given as a gift is not taken into account but the sol that I saw says it is so a bit confused... Guess it depends on how low and desperate they get...

Is your ex going to be compliant wise ? Or obstructive?
It is best to try and sort everything between you, but obviously that's not always possible, I hope the voluntary thing is going ok, x

Good morning ladies! I am sorry for being quiet, have been updating my own thread since it was resurrected...been quite hard. Wise I think it depends on how you are represented in Court, it is a costly exercise. I wouldn't recommend it but sometimes you have no choice. WWK may be better answering that one.

I hope you all have a lovely day, I am off to ASD course today...I shall catch up this evening

Bad few days. I am going down into the black hole again. Work dire, they have however crossed the line from denying assistance demanded by both Empolyment law and Equality Act into harassment. This has somewhat pleased the Union person. . I have cried at work three times this week, proper sobs not those swallowed back gulps. Only three days done. Today is my day off. I thinking about getting signed off, depression, but I only have a few weeks to go to sort the students out to the best of my ability. I have a 'bad' student who has had the worst of starts in life and have been pleading her case for months, every time she balls up, yesterday big boss she needed to be thrown out. I have begged said big boss for chances for the kid. I am sure she is getting fought up in their desire to humiliate me. I don't know what I can do about her, I really like her and she has masses of potential, Uni material, if I can keep her going. But I don't think I will be there.

Also, another flood, from attic this time, now fixed but no hot water. And my car is broken. It died on a bendy road where people travel at 60 mph, not good. Husband has cancelled my breakdown cover and I have been unable to afford more. Long story short brother in law came to the rescue and I now have one of his cars and he is trying to sort mine. So I got into work later than expected. I had telephoned everyone from the side of the road. Cars whizzing past and me crying (again). When I got in I was asked to complete a special leave form for my absence. I have never heard of anyone having to do this, more proof they don't beleive me I guess. Asked in front of colleagues, including a new member of staff that I would prefer to think I was not incompetent just yet. Humiliating.

Btw, I was parked dangerously, hazards on and crying my eyes out. Two police cars went by, no help offered. How does that make sense?

Once agin costs of living so high I will need to play the 'move the money around the plastic game' to pay the mortgage and bills. I don't have the energy for this.

1 I am thinking of you so much. Two years ago I was exactly where you are now. When we told the boys one one of the three was surprised, I can't tell you what we could have done to make things easier for him over the past couple of years. He was a daddy's boy through and through and has been let down big time. But the others were okish and are absolutely ok now. So good odds? I am v happy to pm my phone number if it would help you. I think I would have coped better if I had had similar contact. There is something very therapeutic about leaning on someone you may never see or need to speak to again. In fact I think I will just send it and you can use or ignore as you feel. Xx

Legal stuff, no brain room or money to deal with it. Need it done but everything else is bigger right now.

fuckit you are so kind to be thinking of others when you are having this terrible time . Maybe you need to think about yourself instead of this girl for now . I hope things pick up a bit today x

Wise - it depends on a lot of factors. The multi-millionaires spend an amount proportionate to their wealth.

For us more humble people: A solicitor-led, simple divorce, is something around 5K - 10K.

Then add 5-10K for each court hearing if a barrister is involved.

Remind yourself - that in almost all divorces, each side pays their own costs, it is very, very, very unlikely a judge will order costs to be paid by the other side.

However, if you are divorcing someone who believes that they 'own' all the assets and will not negotiate, you don't have much option. You end up spending £xxxx in order to get your 50% (or more).

So, if you're able to, see a solicitor (or more) to get an idea of what you should get approximately. Then mediate, then go back to solicitor if you can not settle at that stage (and at least that is out of the way then) and take it from there.

Most people settle out of court, hence the costs being 5 - 10K, or at FDR stage (round 2 of the divorce process), hence the costs being 10 - 20K.

I hope that helps.

Fuckit it sounds bloody awful at the moment, it really does. It's times like this, that you must just wonder 'what's the bloody point?'. However, you are asking for help (and getting it) and you need to keep doing that - we all know it's others that get us through the darkest days. And vent away here - we know how hard it can be, we really do. KOKO.

fuckit it must feel so overwhelming for you at the moment, it's like you're fighting a war on multiple fronts, and struggling to win on any of them, but you will get through this , I know it's so hard for you to deal with and you have my utmost respect for carrying on supporting your pupil when you are having a difficult time yourself.

That just shows what a kind and considerate lady you are in the face of adversity. Fight on lovely lady, xx

I got a message from H earlier, he was supposed to be seeing dd tonight and wants to make it tomorrow instead, because of course she comes first , twat.

Anyway the point is, my stomach didn't lurch, I didn't react in any way physically or emotionally and I haven't replied as the message was written as an instruction not a question. Meh :)

Well done, braving my love, one instance of "meh" is better than none, let's hope it's the start of an avalanche of "meh"

Be careful he's not starting to think he can just change contact arrangements to suit himself though, you need him to consistent. She comes first.

Yeas I agree - she does come first and consistency is key - not to suit him! Well done on the meh Braving

Need to make a decision. Beginning to feel sick at the thought of going into work tomorrow. I have another meeting to face outlining how I have not met the latest targets. I have been telling them since February they are impossible. And since them I have had five weeks further off sick and no reduction in them.

I just don't know if I can face it. Fuckityfuck.

Call in sick, Fuckit if you think it will help. The damage we do to our health (mental and physical) during divorce cannot be underestimated - it's without doubt the most torrid thing. There are times when you (all of us, I bet) want to give someone a good shake and say: stop focusing on helping/looking after everyone else, and start looking after yourself. Of course, we can't do that - and clearly you're accustomed to being someone who does look after (and out for) others. So I'm giving you a bit of a shake (forgive me):

If your place of work offers occupational health etc - consider using it.

Get thee to a dr. too if you think it might help.

It's only now I can look back and say 'wow, what a thing I've survived' and know it's going to take time before I can thrive again, but I will. There's so much when I think back 'yeah, should have managed that differently', but that's hindsight, not foresight so I refuse to give myself a hard time about it.

There's a point when you hit the bottom, and this is probably it for you now. When it's all too much. That's the time to work through the each and every five minutes. To switch off that voice in your head that says "you must/need to 'just'..." and accept that it doesn't get much worse: it's bad, it's hard and wait for time to move itself on.

What happens is you get through this as best you can - and if that means taking some time off, then take it. Anyone who can't help you, ignore: don't accept any "help" that's imposed but try anything to find what works for you.

THIS SHIT IS HARD. It's a stage. It does get a bit easier bit by bit once you've hit the bottom but first you have to hit the bottom. KOKO.

Hobbit & Bobs I agree, we 'll never be able to have a regular pattern of contact because of his stupid shifts, but once we get to putting things in writing we'll need some rules. At the moment as long as it suits me and dd I'm letting it go. But I've been clear we won't change our plans around him.

Fuckit you'll get no thanks for being in work if they're being horrible to you and if you feel so badly then just go sick. You shouldn't have to tolerate their crap as well as what you're dealing with. Try and get some time to clear your head as much as is possible in current circumstances. WWK speaks wisely and only 3 and a bit months in I can barely cope. Tell you what though, it's definitely true when they say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger "
I have been fighting ill health, survived 2 surgeries on a massive life threatening and possibly shortening brain tumour ( bit still there ) and I can honestly say, hand on heart that I would rather relive those surgeries ( and believe me there were times I was in so much physical pain I wanted to die ) than what I've gone through in the last few months !!!! It is truly the single hardest thing in life to date.

I have had more problems with dd over the last 2 days, just when I thought I was making progress it all backfired on me. Had a hospital app re a surgery on Tuesday and have to go to England for tumour tests after I've recovered. I feel like I am also fighting in every area of my life. I got home and looked at the mess my h has left me in both emotionally and financially and just broke down again. Hence "I get knocked down again" ... but get up again !
My DM sat and called him every name under the sun and yet I still made excuses for him. I just wish that would leave me, but I don't fall out of love as quickly as some.
Anyway, I'm rambling now but just calming myself once more and getting ready to fight back yet again.

Fuckit I agree with WWK you have to do what you can to protect yourself. Can't remember - have you been to the doctor? I really felt for you reading about your car problems - thank god for BIL and at the police cars that just drove by. I think any of us would have been a total mess too at that point.

Do you get the summer hols off?