HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Morning all. I was gutted about that sordid thread too, was worried about that poster all day yesterday.. Meh! In a way though, I'm glad it wasn't real. It was such a horrible read. Especially the bit about the wedding dress.

Always nice to catch up with you all. Glad to see some positives.

Nothing much here really. Still early days but separation is really agreeing with my mental health that's for sure. Had a text from him last night as the youngest is ignoring his texts. Responded in a friendly manner and ended up being dealt with more of his PA sarcastic bullshit. Don't know why I bloody bother really!

Not changed much have you H!

I'd love to join your FB group too if I am allowed?

morning all

just to add to the discussion on jewellery - i was under the impression that anything that was a "gift" between parties does not count - particularly engagement/ eternity rings - but will know more on this as this is one area the X is questioning

was back at the GP yesterday for more sleeping tablets and was pretty upset - I caught myself saying to him if I had known how X was going to behave throughout this process there is no way I would have attended mediation with him and would have cut all contact with him from day 1.

Im like izzie though say what I feel - and he has had the full works from me over the past year - he is a coward too and hates confrontation so me going quiet on him would have been just how he would have liked it - whether he has read the emails who knows but he has def been reading on here!

I now appreciate why all those slightly further along say cut all contact - being in contact and venting at him has possibly not made the slightest difference and I'm expecting some of this to be used against me if we end up before a judge. But my conscience is clear - all the way through this he has had the opportunity to be reasonable with me, has seen the effect his behaviour has had on me but has never once chosen to behave differently. No doubt in his mind his treatment of me is justified because somehow I am the one who's always at fault. I know my values are solid, I know my actions have always been about the kids and their needs first, ive seen how contact with him has an immediate & negative impact on my mood and how I am with no contact. I know he is out to destroy me but he can only do this if I let him - it has come pretty close and i feel i have worse to come yet but I know I will get through this & come out stronger.

July is going to be my "starting point" I have wedding anniversary and 1 year on since he left -somehow I need to mark this - i wont be able to ignore the dates but need to make them about the new me and not the old us - any ideas anyone?

sorry long rambling post - am expecting more fuckwittery today

KOKO LGO xx

Thanks for your messages, haven't kept up with this thread yesterday till now, got rather distracted by another thread that was going on - I think you know which one I mean, it turned out to be a troll!

Green snap, July one year for me too, how dare he leave two women in the same month

Hi everyone, what's with this FB malarkey?
Facebook schmacebook!
Nah, I don't do social meedya, that's how FF and BF got one over on me half the time. But enjoy, my lovely Hobbiteers , just don't do anything I wouldn't do,< taps nose> that will give you plenty of scope.

I found going no contact very beneficial as well, it got so I dreaded receiving any texts or emails from him, and if I knew there was one waiting I wouldn't sleep, I was so anxious. I also knew that she would be seeing every txt and email as well and I hated the thought of that. Them discussing me and my children horrified me.

I did only call him a cunt once, < amazing I know> but I think I can get away with one, can't I? Tee hee....

It's my anniversary at the end of the month, I have booked to go away on a city break somewhere warm with the boys. Using part of his bonus for this year which I asked for half of, I am a cheeky caah...

Just realised I hadn't put a pic of Jess up for a bit, KOKO everyone...

I was thinking of taking dd away for my birthday, as it falls in half term and we usually go away that week, but i can't justify the cost so I'm planning a busy day and probably a sleepover for dd, the do something different and keep busy approach :)

We never made a big deal of our anniversary so hopefully that won't be too bad, I'll just try to forget it.

it's me it was my phone being a wanker and my face books playing up, can't get recent posts and all of our post came up on news feed, had panic, can I come back please xx

Everything else has come back on it now, but it was only showing our stuff freaked me right out for a moment, panic over, business as usual, never pressed delete so fast in all my life

Definitely a fan of no contact too.

The less the better

No idea what my rings are worth but they have been off for a while now and I still have slight marks there

LOL Frizzy

my 63 year old mum is pissing herself

Techofuckwittery at its best!

Had quite a lot of that at work today

I've got a wedding anniversary coming up within a month. I can't imagine how I'll feel. I'm still somehow caught between relief that a horrible ordeal is over and sadness that what was good has gone. Thing is, so very little was good, I feel like a numpty for missing it. Sadly, I expected very little kindness and lo! That's what I got.

My life has changed so much and it's good, but it's not what I'd expected or hoped for. I'd hoped for a happy marriage, which never happened. But I also hoped for peace of mind and calmness and I have that now.

Twunt has several times lately said that he was probably too damaged to have a healthy relationship. I know men often have ' breakdowns' or go all self pitying after they have behaved appallingly and are reaping the consequences. But I think he's actually right. His dreadfully abusive upbringing probably helped him develop a personality disorder. I suppose he is realising it was him not me. I doubt he will ever really be happy. But he may well find another woman who thinks it is his life's work to fix the unfixable. Sad.

I had to realise, in the words of AA ( I think) that regards to his disorder I hadn't caused it, I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it. Took me years and years to learn that and take it on board.

Well, lots of maundering from me... Regards fb, I'm not on there right now but I may be because of social media side of new job. So if I do, I'd love to join the fb group. Might help me not feel so bloody isolated.

Roz my anniversary is not for a while yet but I have been pondering on similar things.

I wanted this marriage to be "The one" I didn't actually want to be on my own again as I am now. I'm 45 this year, no spring chicken by any sense of the word but too young to be any kind of "washed up spinster" (I am hearing my dickhead Dads words here by the way, not projecting or insinuating anyone older than me is one)

It hurts so much to think about how bad our relationship became, drip drip drip until I felt I could take no more and had to escape

Why did I put up with that for so long?

Why did I think it would get better eventually when all it did was get worse?

H is leaving a shared calendar up at the moment, I see he is doing CBT. Its obviously not working as he is still angry and hates me (re; last nights texts)

It really hurts to do this reflection. I don't do it often enough if I am honest. I prefer to just adopt the KOKO attitude.

According - that's what I am mostly doing, KOKO. It takes all my energy, I don't want to squander any on stuff that will drag me down. STBXH is a real wallower, loves to over and over things. I'm sure if I was willing he'd happily weep and wail " Where did it all go,wrong?" Til the end of time.

But, like you, I wonder why the hell I put up it so long? Why didn't I walk away the first time he hit me, the first affair? oh god, so many times I just kept forgiving and understanding and put my self-worth somewhat lower than a clod of mud.

Never again. Frankly I don't trust myself to make good choices when it comes to men. I am even older than you. I'm going to have some fun!

Post before last - I meant her life work to fix the unfixable. Poor woman, I'm already feeling sorry for her.

Roz agree, and completely in your camp regarding the trusting self thing.

Reflection, as painful as it is..has led me to one conclusion. I am totally and utterly shit at choosing men to share my life.

Have never made the choice to be on my own before, until recently.

There is something about it that excites me yet scares me at the same time.

Yeah, totally and utterly shit at choosing men. That's me. So my cunning plan is.... Not to share my life with a man. Men friends, companionship, NSA sex. But they don't get their feet under the table. Have to admit I'm not exactly fighting them off, but I'm not going to be so grateful for male attention that I put up with Fuckwittery.

I like living alone (well DS3 lives here but he's a ninja. I think he lives here. The food has to be going somewhere).

yes indeed!

If there is ever a man shaped thing that enters my life in the future he is definitely not EVER going to move in with me.

Having the bad all to myself is marvellous

is there something wrong with me - i have just seen a pic of the X - he is looking shite- put on lots of weight - and Im thinking what the fuck have you done and end up in tears - why? why? why?

Thanks for everyone who wished me well for my hearing. Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but I needed my chat with Mrs Formidable and a good cry of relief.

Well, I think my ex will be spitting feathers..... (and perhaps his girlfriend who has been busy typing his increasingly eccentric letters for him). We had a new, young judge who asked us to both summarise in 3 minutes what we wanted. I said that I just wanted it over with and to have the money to be able to move house. He came out with a load of old pants, and forgot to mention that he'd asked in the paperwork for a massive drop in DDs maintenance (when its actually due to go up this month), not to pay the ordered housing deposit so we could move, not to pay ordered school fees (that he’d actually offered originally!!) etc. She asked us why mediation hadn't taken place, and he gave another one of his grand speeches about how he would pay for it (£200 per hour - but he's refusing to pay all of DDs maintenance) and how it was just me being obstructive and how I refuse to sit down and discuss things with him - forgetting that he'd previously accused me in writing to the court of 'harassment' aka I asked for confirmation of his salary during financial disclosure.... He then dropped a clanger - saying that his finances were set to improve significantly this year (thanks for the info! :) ) and that he was well able to foot the bill for the mediation (he was desperate to get the case out of court immediately!!) Judge said she wanted to make a judgment immediately, as she felt it was necessary.

Went back in the afternoon. She said she was dismissing my Application to Vary because the fact that we are now in a housing crisis isn’t a change in circumstances from last year (!!!), and she felt that going through the disclosure process and hearings again wouldn't benefit DD. She then said she was dismissing his application too because he hadn't applied properly, and had just piggybacked on my application at the last minute. She then went on to say that he hadn't provided any grounds as to why he wanted to cut DDs ordered maintenance, not pay ordered housing deposits, ordered school fees etc., and that if he was attempting to do so on financial grounds, this contradicted his previous claim to her that his finances were set to improve significantly this year and how he could afford to foot the bill for all of the mediation. :) :)

She then said that last year's order still stood, but she wanted to add further orders. I sat there thinking, Oh no, she’s going to order mediation with my narcissist, lying, cheating, bullying ex. So she went on - 1. that he pay all of DDs nursery fees (backdated 6 months) for two years until she goes to primary school, when he has to pay private school fees for her (that I didn't even ask for??!!); and 2. that should there be any need for further applications, he pays all the mediation costs :) :) :). He went mad and was saying that he’d never offered to pay the nursery costs (blatant lie). She cooly pointed out how he had offered to pay them in his Open Offer last year, and asked him why he'd made the offer if he didn't intend to fulfill it? (because he's a lying game player perhaps?) He immediately said he'd appeal, and she said "and I refuse that appeal". :) :) :) She said that he'd be subject to further committal orders (already has one under his belt) if he continued ignoring orders.

So basically he ends up still having to pay a significant increase in DDs maintenance from the end of this month, plus DDs nursery fees every month (backdated 6 months), and still has to pay all the rest of the previous order - housing deposit, private school fees (that I’d never even asked for) etc.

The horrible thing was that she asked him when DD started school as she was putting dates in the new order. He just didn't have a clue and just went completely blank. Doesn't know his daughter or anything about her. Then he asked HER what the nursery fees were??? I passed him a big stack of nursery invoices and he refused to look at them (yep, I'd like to do that too when I receive them every month!) :) :)

He was so furious he was grimacing and snarling and rushed out. There wasn't one word of concern for DD, or even interest in her. Nothing. Didn't even pretend to show an interest.Financially, an amazing result (if he pays any of it), but emotionally heartbreaking to see his complete disinterest in DD and the attempts he would go to, and has gone to, to undermine her wellbeing.

Oh Pink that must have been terrible to witness, good outcome but deep sadness rolled into one x

I've hopped over from the dark side lol, Great news Pink
Thinking about this engagement ring thingy... His bloody 2 fancy bicycles are probably worth more than my rings so he won't be getting his hands on them or its one bike for me !!
So today was bad with dd and mar.
Apparently when asked if he could give me some money towards food shopping for ds coming home... "I can't give you what I don't have" !! So how does it work then when they refuse to sort their debt out ( despite me having to ) and dies it mean the more debt he's in, the less he has to give me ? At this rate I'll be joining that big girl on Benefits Street forever. Because he can't afford solicitor things have ground to a halt. I can't afford it either but as he walked out why should I have to make the next move ? Really difficult to know what next. I told him today he needed to man up and admit to his debt and get help. He is just burying his head in the sand and keeping me hanging on isn't fair. He is more worried because in his current post he'd be disciplined for being in debt/ financial problems and that seems to be more important ( saving face ) than actually doing something practical to get out of debt and supporting his family. Yet he can still afford a night out and drive around in a car ( mine ) that he can't afford !!!

Sorry pink I meant him getting told off, not the lack of knowledge about his child x