HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Hi cassa my love, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time, but this shit is so hard isn't it? 10 months is nothing in the general scheme of things.

As green says there's no timescale for your feelings, some people will take longer than others to feel better about being separated.

I think in your case, you don't feel he discussed his reasons for wanting to end your marriage fully with you, and didn't give you both a chance to see if it could be repaired. Just saying you've "had enough" is cold and callous in the extreme, and the absence of an ow makes you feel that in some way you are at fault. You are not, please believe that. The failing is all his, he is not a decent man, he would have treated you with more kindness and respect if he was. You are the mother of his children, if he is a good father that means showing positive regard for you. Just keep going my love, and keep posting, I know it's hard, I feel awful some days as well, it never really leaves my thoughts, but it will lessen, it just takes time , xx

bobs did i not mention he's a multi-millionaire

Hey lovely ladies, I've not deserted my hobbits, had really nasty bug, then gastritis been so rough, just trying to catch up can't believe what page this threads on feeling a little "meh" the last few days, he's still being a cock so that helps, the help he promised is not materialising, I think everyone of you said that would happen! And how right you all are as ever, 20th wedding anniversary tomorrow, hope I don't dip again now I'm feeling meh, was planning on plenty of wine but my tummy is still sore oh well, might just eat a box of gaviscon and day fuck it hope your all ok,

Lovely to hear from you frizzy my love, I'm so sorry that you've been unwell, please take care of yourself,
, this shit does take a toll on your health, both physically and mentally. I seemed to get one thing after another at first, prolonged stress damages your immune system I think.
Good to know you're having some 'meh' instances, hopefully they will increase until you're totally 'meh' wouldn't that be great.
I have my anniversary at the end of the month, so can empathise with how you are feeling. But it's just a day, and once it's over there's another one closer to feeling better. Do something enjoyable for you and your family. Distraction is the key. KOKO babe, you're doing mighty fine, xx

Been indoors for 2 days now with really bad sciatica ..caused by a bloody wonky trolley lol, could only be me.
Bobs I love that you are so sensible, whenever I am skimming over posts if I'm rushed, it's always easy to tell which are yours. You always give such good advice. I've been looking at roles on here ( too much time to think ) and I think of you as our headmaster. Izzie is our Tasmanian devil lol
Frizzy, weirdly you're like everyone's little sister... I just feel like we need to look after you ( don't know why ) maybe it's because you arrived not long after me. Hobbit and green .. Your teach us how to kick ass and keep us all plodding along ... It's just like a big family, story if I'm a bit mushy, it must be the painkillers lol ( the ones apparently, according to mar that make me psychologically unstable ). Funny that given his very first demands of trying to get me out and then taking dd with him, he now sees her maybe every 3 days and for at most a couple of hours ! I wonder who the more competent parent is now!! I offered tonight that he take dd for dinner seeing as I was off my feet but strangely he has a report to do for work that just cannot wait. She has most definitely been seeing things differently. If we row it's now normal teenage drama and when she's upset, it's usually because he has not followed through on a promise,like Sunday he was meant to take her to see her horse... He fell asleep on the sofa and she told him not to bother coming because it was too late, then promptly asked me to take her. I was so shocked I practically spat out my mouthful of Special K ( still not doing proper eating) to get my shoes on. There have been no more demands and I am for now in a state of calm and "meh". Ds due home on Fri from uni and am feeling good in my head ( whether it's real, temporary or I'm deluding myself ) I'm just going with it.

Cassa you do sound down but maybe you just need a break away... Could you have a mini break with a friend just to enjoy yourself and get away from it all. I don't work and being at home can be really lonely but I'm trying diy as my escape from the reality. Still have a spa voucher to use up and that's saved for a really bad day.
It is so true that you do not realise divorce is so horrendous until your in the middle of it. Stupidly I always assumed divorce was when 2 people decided they couldn't be together any more. How wrong was I !!!
But in true Hobbit style I'm koko

iget headmaster? Haha told DD2 and she said she wasn't sure whether that was a compliment But I get what you're saying. I think I tend to immediately look for a solution to a problem rather than swelling on the feelings/upset caused. I try to look at ways to make life easier. Comes from years of SF's interminable complaining

Sorry about the sciatica - can be so painful and irritating

Oh and it's great that you're getting on better with DD. The fact that she's getting help and also her brother coming home will be making her feel better. It's important that at that age they retain a measure of control over their lives

A good day today, I've been on fire at work, I've started a new project, high profile with tight deadlines and it's going really well, lots of compliments and appreciation from my new manager. I'm starting to feel like me again.

Still haven't managed to even start getting the house in order and meal planning is very random but at least work feels like it's getting under control, I'm still behind, but I feel more positive.

Tomorrow I need to get my eating under control and stay increasing my exercise, less than 8 weeks till or summer holiday.

Well done with the positives frizzy, iget and braving you are s

We all have up and down days, it's only natural, but we can celebrate and commiserate with each other, to get us through.

Been to the gym, < just polishing my halo>
Big son and his girlfriend are making food, a glass of wine or five, Netflix binge, alls well in Hobbitland.

KOKO all my lovely Hobbiteers.... Xx

Sounds lovely Hobbit

I've got a guide camp meeting to go to tonight, I'm hoping the kit list won't be too big :)

Just popping in...also glad to see positives...its not easy but they start happening and everything looks brighter, promise

What has REALLY disappointed me is that the "Sordid" thread has been identified as one massive trolling exercise. It has been taken down. Poster banned. Why do people do things like that? I lay awake last night thinking about the poor woman, it really makes me sick. Thank God she didn't start over here (as I suggested!)

MrsC To be honest I couldn't read that thread, I'm not strong enough yet, glad I didn't now, I imagine lots of people got really involved, I only glanced at the OP and it upset me.

Oh my god, I can't believe that thread was a fucking lie, we are all here breaking our God damn hearts to each other, made friendships and give support, I would never have got through those first weeks without you lot and I really mean that AND there's fuckwits out there who think it's all a joke and entertainment, I read that thread, whilst in bed crippled with stomach pains and felt so bloody sad that life has shit on yet another person, Karma ladies .... That is all... Apart from saying cock shit head fucking wankers.. Yes frizzy is on the mend

Yep, FFS, some people are fucking idiots aren't they?
I must admit I had my doubts, only posted once, but wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, because we've been there haven't we?
Some people are a waste of skin and air, there was genuine concern shown by a lot of decent people.
Why do they do it? Beats me.....

I hope there aren't any other threads that are fake, I'm not sure about some of them now, what about the lady with twins, and the husband who had a blow job in the stationery cupboard?
Seriously, I'm doubting everything now, well apart from our lot obviously ...

Oops, shouldn't have said that...
Sorry mumsnet, < gets coat>

Hope pink pops in for a swift half to tell us how she got on...

As you know it's my 20th wedding anniversary tomorrow, sitting here looking at my wedding ring, keep thinking tomorrow would be a good day to take it off again, it's got to go at some point hasn't it, he's not coming back, oh god, come on ladies the meh is fading, he's a cock, he doesn't deserve me, I want to punch his pretty face in, argggghhh, mums taking me out tomorrow got £150 rigby and peller card to spend ( prob 1 bra at there prices) maybe I'll be showing my new bra to a millionaire Tom hardy lookalike who likes 42 year olds with stretch marks any time soon, wellllll who knows what's round the corner

Who knows indeed frizzy my love, plenty of life left to live, live it well....

I am really disgusted about the Sordid thread, just horrible. I know there has been a lot of mention of "fast moving threads"...indeed Hobbit, I know the one you mean..!

Pink will be along I am sure. I am going to ring her shortly.

Re : Wedding ring. I took mine and H's along with my engagement and eternity rings and sold them at a local gold dealer. I spent the money on my children. I literally couldn't bear to look at them anymore and it also dawned on me how long H had not worn his you can't do that when you're shagging every available orifice can you?. I sold every last bit of jewellery he gave me, some through necessity but mostly because they had a meaning to me that had now been tarnished. So my advice to you is sell the bloody lot and buy yourself something gorgeous, new ring, something, anything to mark a new beginning .

I was told by mediator that I can't sell jewellery as its classed as marital assets?

I have had wine tonight. Will step away from iPad shortly therefore and go have a bath. Had an order not to touch the other bank accounts today as he knows exactly what's going on and has managed the accounts perfectly for years. Got the text this morning. I've just texted back saying I would prefer he contacted me via the email address I specifically set up for such matters. I like that email address, I don't get alerts for it. So to summarise, PD still has his head firmly up his arse, and Izbobs couldn't give a flying fuck

Awwww mrs c that sounds like good advice to me, he's left us, he's super fun dad once a week, I can be super fun mum for a day, and get rid of all this shite, 7 weeks today, feels like a life time, he's THAT detached from me and my feelings, just I'm typing this I've had the usual " say goodnight to the children for me please" text, meh I might, prob won't, cunt xxxc