HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Green I've read that to totally heal we need to forgive them. Mentally. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him. I married a very decent man and I'm divorcing an utter cunt. I definitely see it as two marriages. One to a very decent man who died somewhere along the line, and the other to the twat still on this earth, who I wouldn't even like if I met him, and therefore is not worth my head space. For me, actually his behaviour over the last seven months has been the absolute killer. He has made it incredibly easy to emotionally detach. That Chump Lady's analogy of the ex being a sugar coated turd. Well, he's that, minus the sugar!

Pink round 5? Good grief as in 5 hearings? And being accused of no contact AND harassment - very clever of you Very good luck tomorrow, steel balls, Dave strut and all that

green I think Pink is a mate of MrsC possibly from her thread? Either that or she*s been on here and name changed without telling us

Oh well bed time. DD2's first A Level tomorrow - Maths, followed by Cammhs in the afternoon. DD1 just home from uni...just graduation to go now next month, restaurant all booked for the evening

What don't beat yourself up about having that conversation with your ex. It's still very early days for you and it's perfectly natural that you are still seeking answers from him. I'm a bit further down the road from you timescale wise and I still don't understand why our family wasn't enough for him. I had some long conversations with my ex not that long ago to try to get answers but ultimately nothing they say can be relied on and there comes a point where you have some degree of acceptance that you will never understand because we just don't think like they do.

If you were making wrong assumptions during your relationship that he was unhappy with he would most likely have made that known to you at the time. So he's just re-writing history to justify his behaviour to himself.

Good luck with your hearing tomorrow Pink

Green am sorry your ex is being such a shit. "What steps will you be taking to improve your earning capacity"!! Tell him you're re-training as a heart surgeon as he hasn't got one if he wants to take the piss with such stupid, insensitive questions then answer his questions accordingly. How about he gives you time to recover from your treatment before he enquires about your job prospects. Bastard. KOKO sweetheart x

Izzie you make me laugh with your "Can I play the Fuck Off Song at his funeral" comment.

Sorry you're getting twatty emails off him. I'm sure you will get the better of the exchanges but still more shit to deal with isn't it.

1 sorry you're feeling a bit weepy too I know the feeling at the moment It's more than them hurting the people who love them the most it's them hurting the people they are supposed to love. Even if they fell out of love with us they should still love their children enough to put the feelings of their own flesh and blood above their own selfish needs and wants. Look after yourself, you're doing so well in holding it together in such a very tough situation. x

Why I'm very sorry about your dog. As you say you can't take that chance with the children. I hope your hand is a bit better. Take care

iwas Thank you. Have definitely regressed over the last few days. It's not like those horrendous early days again but not far off. At least this now I know they'll pass and I will feel more positive and upbeat again - hopefully sooner rather than later.

HRT away after after a stressful weekend. Back on Wed. Like a fool I responded to a text last night and mentioned that I was struggling and upset again. He actually told me I was selfish to go around crying in front of DS.

I tried my absolute best to give him and kids the best weekend that was humanly possible under the circumstances, I'm about to lose my home and my family and I still don't really know why - other than he 'needs more' blah blah blah. Well he 'thinks' he needs more and so if he finds he doesn't and myself and kids are actually enough for him, could I make myself available if he chooses to come back....AND HE CALLS ME SELFISH.

Reading all the posts here about disclosure is depressing. It feels like a mountain to climb - I'm not sure I've got the energy for the battle that's likely to ensue.

Anyway time for dog walk and work. I'm not sure whether the routine of work is a help or a hindrance. A bit of both I guess.

Talking of work. Hope you had a good first day wwk? You are an inspiration to keep going if ever there was one.

green your resilience is amazing too.

In fact, everyone's resilience to twuntishness (and that's a polite thing to call what some ex's have been up to) is amazing.

and for you all to wake up to. KOKO xxx LGO I guess.

iwas actually the truth of the matter is that I would even bother to attend his funeral, let alone put any effort into planning one.

I can see the patterns will be repeating themselves ad nauseum throughout negotiations, same as his behaviour has been over the last seven months. I ask, he ignores, I ask again, he ignores, I ask, he ignores, then I take action and am hit by a vile email. On the other hand, when he wants something, he demands. An example of this is when I recently emailed to say I would like the information he had already obtained about his pension, Nd that I would get my pension info and send it to him. His reply was "that would be useful". In other words, he expects my information, but won't provide his, not without the usual scenario as described above.

Meantime I looked at the bank account last night, thought the balance was a bit low so just did a transfer of a round amount from another current account. No doubt I will get an aggressive missive asking if I have taken "unilateral action filtering money from one account to the other" and the meaning of it. He forgets it's a fucking joint account. And that my salary is not so small that it's still not a reasonable percentage of joint income.

None of the above, none of his vile and arrogant emails, take away from the fact that he is a coward who can't face up to things and who is not man enough to deal with any issues, and who makes minimal effort to see his sons, yet plays the victim. A pathetic classic MLC cheat who will lose contact with his own sons. Who will end up as a bitter and twisted individual. But we won't know that for sure, because we will have totally lost all contact with him. That suits me just fine.

I hate wasting time and energy on this. I'm trying to focus on it being the final load of shit to get through to continue with my happier life as detailed throughout these threads. It just sometimes feels like a backwards step to have to take. The rough and bumpy road, the nice paved path, and now the slippery steep track full of brambles, boulders and copious amounts of dog shit.

Urgh

KOKO all xx

Pink dont know who you are but good luck for today - sounds like you have been put through hell too - any advice you can pass on gratefully received.

I managed to sleep thanks to sleeping tab.

I have come on here to say that what I said months back about getting that this is not personal is not true - this is personal alright - maybe those that reach a decision out of court it is less so but right now he is using whatever he can to attack me - my mental health, my breast cancer, no doubt the harrassment will rear its head if we end up going the full hog and my gut is we will. If I end up collapsing in court (which is a possibility I know myself) the extent to which he is prepared to destroy me will be evident - I will get back up I know that but how long it will take is another matter.

His questionnaire has helped me make a couple of decisions though that I had been mulling over - i have already had an extension on my course but had been thinking of deferring - i think i need to do this as my head is not in a good place to be able to focus on this - I cant give it the attention I want to right now.

I really cant beleive that he has asked me to provide accounts for my second hand sales - £2 quid here and there which has all gone to supplement the kids birthday or christmas when he gave me no extra money.

THIS MAN IS A C88T alright - am i going to get strung up for the number of times i have used this word on here - this is the only word that describes how he makes me feel - it is equivalent to self harm in my book if I was that way inclined - it will only ever be appropriate for him.

what Good morning - yes, the rewriting of history is pretty devastating. The thing is, I begin to doubt myself when he does that. I think counselling is a good idea. Have a good day.

Hi Izzie and Green too......
Must get going.
Ps Good luck to pink

1 I feel for you and can relate to the unfairness of what HRT says about you.

Work......sanity, I think, in times of this head banging stuff

what its all such a headfuck yep it is - get yourself off to that free counsellor!

1 none of us are fools - we are human - we show emotion in a healthy way - we expect someone who we were married to to show compassion, sympathy, understanding otherwise why would we have married them -

re disclosure -dont worry - if you get here there will be plenty of us to help you - i think there should be some open thread on this as its all the things you learn along the way that if someone had put down in one place it would have been useful

always look for the grateful/ positive - ( I know I dont always prectise what i Preach - am still a work in progress :-))

izzie - still luvs you

Green it may be mutual

This is how I feel most of the time oops s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//connect.facebook.net/en_GB/sdk.js#xfbml=1&version=v2.3"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs);}(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk'));Why you shouldn't bring your mom to the funfair..Posted by Fail Dumps on Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Fail Alert couldnt seem to put video on as less than 90 pixels, help me someone please

not think the first message sums up how my brain currently is much better than a video - am on here again trying to avoid reality!!

Morning, all, it's a beautiful day in the arse end of nowhere, and I'm not in work, Hurrah!

1 my lovely girl, you are in an intolerable situation at the moment, and the stress leading up to the "big reveal" must be overwhelming. At least when he is out of the house you will not have to keep up the pretence any longer.

You can start the healing process for yourself and your children, I am sure you are their rock, and together you will get through this horrible time.
We are all here for each other, to give support where we can.

You have already shown yourself to be a strong, intelligent , caring participant on this thread, your kind nature shines through in your posts.
KOKO, the man is a total fool, and a cruel and insensitive one at that, but that's not news to you, you've had to live with his selfish attitude long enough. He needs to leave, let him" find himself" , he'll soon find out he won't like what he sees.

Ha ha, not thought you'd been studying quantum physics there for a moment, turns out you're shit at computer type thingies like me,

what I echo what the others have said, re counselling, especially if it's free, it does help to get it all out to an impartial ear. Mine did make me see I wasn't being weak in not being able to cope, my reasons were totally valid.

This is a life changing event for all of us, it's not a small blip that be easily overcome, and the sense of betrayal and loss is immense. People who haven't experienced it can't really understand the pain of it.
I would go for the counselling, it can't hurt and it is another tool to help process the situation in your head. I know you're struggling with that, we all are.

Hello all. I always at the bar, but don't say much. In a way I've been trying to do less Mumsnet, wasn't sure whether it was helping. But I'm still struggling 10 months on. In fact in a ways it's harder now as the hope he might change his mind has gone. He's moved into an unfurnished house and completely furnished it, so definitely not planning to come back.

I'm just sad. There was no OW. He's not a bastard like some of the Exs on here, but he just had enough, didn't discuss his feelings with me, and I got the I don't love you speech anymore. So it's hard to get angry with him. He's a good dad.

I'm not coping at all, I go to work but do nothing, I am at home but my house is a tip, I put the kids to bed in my bed and climb in with them and stay there. I wake up in the morning to the pain in my chest and wish I was dead, and each day is just to be got through. I have no joy in things anymore. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm thinking about getting myself signed off work but I'm not sure being on my own at home would be good for me. I have nice friends who care, but it doesn't help the crushing sadness and fear I feel all the time. I don't want another relationship, I don't trust anyone to say he loves me and then not leave me now.

We are seeing lawyers to sort out a settlement and once that is done my marriage will be over and he's moved on and is fine.

I love reading everyone's post on here, but don't add much. I'm sorry for that.

Good morning all! Pink is from my thread and a RL friend. She's been put through the wringer by her ex-twunt...but has stood ground in the most astonishing way. Hers is complicated too. She has texted me this morning and seems fine...so everything crossed for her.

Somebody mentioned the "sordid" thread...yes, I have mentioned this thread over there...she is in that early stage of shock, grief and disbelief that we all know so well. She asked her husband to leave yesterday. What a disrespectful wanker he is.

I definitely recommend counselling, I had 17 weeks of it and it really helped, she was utterly lovely and gave me a whole new perspective. I am about to see my GP for a referral for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) having been recommended by a RL friend who has been through similar. Apparently it gives you coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety and associated "coming to terms" shit. Given ones' life is turned literally upside down and you are forced to take paths that you never thought you would have to, I think this sort of additional help is vital. As I am preparing to uproot my kids and start over a long way away, I think it will do me some good. Thanks H, for forcing that on me. Arsehole.

Everybody should do the counselling. I do wonder if the other party ever gives a second thought to what they have inflicted on you? I recall OW pouring scorn on my assertion that I felt bereaved, after all she had suffered a real bereavement in terms of her husband's death. It seemed to matter not that she was having an affair with my husband or that she had moved him in with her and her child 5 months after the event as you do. My counsellor said she was wrong, it was worse in fact because death is finite and your memories and time shared remains intact. When you suffer the bereavement of loss via an affair, ALL of your memories are tainted and destroyed yet the person you are grieving for is still alive and continuing to perpetuate that grief by being an arsehole. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I am off for a run now, need some endorphins!

hi cassa sorry you are still struggling - there is no time limit to this though we all have to go through it at what ever pace we take.

I guess you are now having to come to terms with him not coming back - dont know how recent this has been but it will take a while for you to adjust to this. Are you having any counselling or spoken to your GP - it sounds like you could be a bit depressed - only to be expected with what we have to go through. you probably cant get angry as perhaps more to get to grips with when no OW but this is still about him and not you but he is being a good dad which disappears when OW involved.

there is no requirement to add - we all do what we can when we can - you need to do something nice for yourself and forget about the house - maybe just a film if thats all you are up to or a bath or buy yourself some flowers

KOKO xx

Cassa it doesn't matter that you don't post. Sometimes it's better not to in fact, other times it's good to get it off your chest. KOKO the pain will lessen in time - I know it's impossible to believe at the moment. Re getting signed off work, I can only say that ideally you really don't want to be at home all the time - way too much time to think. Yes I know you're head's probably going round in circles even when at work, but it does help to have something to do. Could you reduce your hours? Or just take a short break and see how that works?

semtex at the link fail. I think it summed up perfectly how we feel sometimes/all of the time!

1 when are you planning to tell the DC? I think your anxiety levels must be sky high at the prospect, and I realise it sounds bad to say this, but once you have told them it might get easier

green re the questionnaire - I would have thought you don't need to justify the kids clothes selling - especially such paltry amounts. Perhaps others could advise, or your sol, but I would ignore that one.

As for SB - haha does he think you're going to live together, he's loaded and so your twunt will get a much better outcome?! Re CV, well I'm sure you could cobble one together - cobble being the relevant word In effect he's asking you the wrong stuff - your illness etc - all the stuff in your favour. Just take it in your stride - not long now