HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

I can't lock my wardrobe door! I trust him to be in the house with the DDs. Obviously he can't himself.

And why be so rude? Yes I know he likes living in a barren wilderness but the rest of us are tired of it!!

yes Braving I second that, locks on doors. my house is like fort knox internally if I go to work or pop out, sad really but have had a few bad experiences in the last year since he has been gone, it gets nasty

IME, the threat of disclosure doesn't bring them to their senses. They just see the disclosure process as another opportunity to lie and play games. Oh, 6 holidays? They were business trips. Nightly meals out in top London restaurants - business meetings. 18 plus subscriptions - online errors. And so it goes on.,.,.

Hi you lovely people...
drifted yes I agree the anniversaries are the most difficult to deal with, so I've has his 50th birthday, Christmas and New Year, my sons birthday, my birthday and the only one left is my wedding anniversary which is at the end of the month. Once that's over with I'll feel better I think< I hope>

braving they do ask you to fill in a form for disclosure at mediation but I told ex it was form E that was needed < but not that it wasn't compulsory> so I got the whole picture< ie, that he was living with BF> and because he is a dumbass and wouldn't pay for advice he fell for it hook, line and sinker.
The rest, as they say is history, and I did ok. Tbh, I think he just wanted it to be over, the stress was too much for him, awww.. Diddums....

Pink Hopefully H is still ashamed of himself enough to want to avoid it. For one thing it would prove he was away on holiday half term week and not working as he told dd.

Hobbit That's my plan, as advised by my solicitor who is rather devious, which I like as he's on my side.

What...I am the worst person to tell you this because I have done all of it myself...but trying to have a conversation, trying to reason with somebody who has behaved in such a cutthroat matter, especially one who has another hag nagging in his ear, is utterly pointless and soul destroying. I tried all of it. Thought it would make me feel better, it just made me feel worse, even more so now that I know that every word that poured out of his mealy mouth was yet another lie. He HAS to hurt you because it makes him feel better about himself. It's dreadful really. I have found out something today, and indeed I am not sure how I feel about it really, but it has just proved to me what a weak penis-led cocklodger my husband actually is and thank fuck he's gone. Thank fuck. You will feel like that one day, I promise. I don't know how they can banish your entire relationship into the ether without a backward glance, I just don't get it, never will. I know that hurts so very very much. So, my love, one day at a time, forget reasoning, pick yourself up, get the legals sorted, get the fucker out of your life and start rebuilding. There is no other way.

While I am here, and I am sure she won't mind me saying, can we all wish Pinkballoon loads of luck with her hearing tomorrow...she has fought long and hard and somehow has managed to keep her humour, raise two beautiful children and always has an ear for me too. Good luck love xxx

Good luck Pink

what sweetheart, you need to stop over analysing why he's doing this, you're never going to hear what you want to. Either he will lie or minimise or falsely accuse or blame and none of it will help. He's never going to say he's made a mistake, he's just going to justify his actions because he needs to feel he's doing the right thing for him. The only person who it will hurt is you, he can't admit to feeling shame or guilt because if he did, what would that make him? Not the lovestruck hero, but the utter selfish cunt, who would put his own desires before the happiness and security of his children.

Hello, pink wishing you all the best for your hearing, you sound like a very clever lady, please let us know how you got on, x

Good luck pink!!

not normally on at this time of night but SHL has sent through X's questionnaire - looks like he has been reading DD's emails as cant figure how else he would know who Mr SB is - wants to know our future plans -

ladies beleive me do not give these twunts any benefit of doubt - had i known what the X is capable of there is no way i would have been communicating with him for the benefit of the kids - wants details of kids accounts where i had to use their money for sols bills - def wants house sold - wants me to produce a CV and state job prospects for the next 12 months - what steps will i be taking to improve my earning capacity?
wants details of stuff i have sold on facebook site ie kids second hand clothes

HE IS A C**T - looks like i am back on sleeping tabs tonight

oh & £5000 a year is excessive for holidays when we have had at least 3 holidays most years in luxury accommodation because the X is a snob.

was reading on some post how years down the line could attend family gatherings with x with some dignity - this is never going to happen - if the house is to be sold i have no reason to stay where i am -

Just had one of his twatty emails. Good god I think I would rather pay for a solicitor to deal with his arrogant and aggressive shit. My reply went along the lines of thanking him for his assertions but that the information wasn't there. And that I think he would find the word was mistrust, not distrust. Twat. Unfortunately, I then found the info at the bottom of the email Oh dear, here we go. Planet Dickhead in full stride. I then followed it up with another email. Can't wait for this one!

Thanks! Round 5 tomorrow!

Greenberet - the judges don't really read the questionnaires (or anything else in the court bundle that takes weeks to prepare and costs a fortune!!). I got up to 3 questionnaires with the ex. Also provided spreadsheets of all of his excessive spending (all done whilst making earnest claims of poverty to the judge in court). None of it read by the judge. It all came down to a very rough and ready - he earns this, she earns that, he pays this, she pays that.

My ex was asking me to detail all the holidays I'd ever taken and where I'd got the money from (w…..r). Oh, 1978, holiday with mum. Mum paid £100 from her salary. 1979, camping trip…. :) :) :)

Nah, I'm with you on that one Green , no attending family gatherings in a friendly, civilised manner for me, I don't want to speak to the Twunt ever again.

The boys are old enough to make their own decisions and arrangements with their father, I won't interfere with that, he's still their dad after all.
But after all he's put me through, I'll never forgive him, but hopefully I'll reach the Mecca of Meh, and won't want to put a stake through his heart.
< that's a bit dark eh? >

Izzie
Don't respond to any of his emails. Drives them mad. My ex has even written to the court to complain about me not responding to his emails! :) :) :) Like he thinks they're going to order me to do so!! I'm also being accused of 'harassment' (yawn) whilst also being accused of refusing to contact him…….. (I must be some kind of a genius to manage both!!!)
:) :)

Good luck Pink!

What I don't know exactly how tall your STBXH is, but take the top of his inside leg measurement and place the blame there.

I am not one for advocating violence...but if in doubt of his exact inside leg measurement, use your knee to get an idea.

In all honesty, I can only promise you one thing: he can't tell you why. He can only tell you what he chooses to tell you - and it's rare you meet someone who says "It's because I'm a cunt". In fact, they will tell you the most amazing shite in order avoid saying those words.

about 2 years ago when i was getting into meditation I can remember discussing with a friend how do you get to a place where nothing can touch you - for me the worst pain i could imagine feeling would be the death of a child and wondered how some people are able to forgive those that have carried out a murder on their child. To be able to do that must mean that the parent has got something so solid inside them that they are capable of this forgiveness. This was the place I wanted to reach - to have that solid feeling inside that nothing could touch me - I am on this path and I am slowly learning how this can be done - but what I have also realised along the way is that the person I need to be able to forgive is the X - for in my eyes he has "killed" his kids - whether I will ever be able to do this I dont yet know!

who is pink

Thank you Pink he is a vile angry little man. His emails are revolting. I sent him one headed "future communications"

"This:
"If there is some reason that you are not sending the information to me, please let me know."
Was a question. A genuine one.

There was not an implication of mistrust. That is your interpretation

I'm not going to be drawn into pointless unpleasant correspondence and discussing any matters that are irrelevant.

It is in both of our interests to confine communications purely to business matters, and also to fully cooperate with the exchanging of information.

Thank you"

The original email quotes "Ronson's Uptown Funk words often quoted, if you don't believe me just watch"

What sort of dick is he??? He really thinks he's a fucking smartarse.

I'm actually laughing now. Same as others in real life are doing

Actually he hasnt sent the info in the format I requested. He's done a screen shot of the web page. I asked for a copy of his spreadsheet. Phew!

And good luck for tomorrow, Pink, sorry I'm a bit distracted tonight.

what at best you will get the version he wants to go public with, the sanitised and whitewashed version. I know exactly what PD will have told his family. It's just lies. It doesn't even stack up. But they are that fucking out of touch with reality, they will believe it. My sons and I want no part of it. And if the official version is ever mentioned in front of us, I won't be responsible for what I say. So my advice is, the best advice is what MrsC says. Otherwise, in my case, I reached my own conclusions and have decided he's not worth my head space. But when you're divorcing an emotional fuckwit, the conclusion is that there really is no rhyme or reason. Think of them as damaged goods. I think those of us further down the line find this easier to say because we've already been through those stages. It's a great freedom when you can stop looking for answers. So if some of us come across as blunt, it's just a reflection of where we are ourselves.

When I first used to look at MN I was amazed at how many posters used to say pack his bag and kick his sorry arse out. But now, seven months down the line, I totally get why they say it

He can't admit to feeling shame or guilt because if he did, what would that make him? Not the lovestruck hero, but the utter selfish cunt, who would put his own desires before the happiness and security of his children

Very wise words Hobbit, you nailed it there

Green your post re info required. What an utter utter cunt