HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Izzie if and when you feel ready to start the divorce he will have to show a years worth of bank statements so he can forget his precious privacy.

Mine had to provide a year for private accounts and 3 years for business. Gosh that was painful...and revealing...reading. I particularly liked the £100 sets of underwear for Dolly Parton when he was telling me that no, he couldn't give me any money as there was none. Utter fucking bastard.

Yeah, the bank account revelations were a tough day at the office, followed by a tearful day at the STD clinic at my local hospital. To my mind, if you use girlie bars, and just one of them is a trafficked woman, then you are a rapist. He knows why I think this.

Then the updated bank account revelations that showed us to be shockingly poorer than before was not a happy day at the office either. However, he (in his infinite intelligence) decided to no longer use his bank accounts...cue an investigation as to where he was getting paid. Yes, the muppet had set up a new bank account. And didn't want to disclose it because, and I quote him from the witness box, "I know what you lot [legal bods] are like, I'd have to explain everything".

Idiot!

So then he had to send those over. He refused...and then the judge called him dishonest, and ordered him to.

He does not like being called dishonest. In fact, oddly, he wants everyone to believe he's a thoroughly decent chap.

I think he's a rapist, a thief, a liar and a morally contemptible individual.

And I used to be such a nice, polite, diplomatic kind a gal.

Divorce does that to you.

Excellent news, ladies re the bank statements thing. Does that apply to credit card statements? We still have the joint account, through which credit card repayments are made. It's the credit card payments I want to see. Actually, if it wasn't for the fact that he's so bloody arsey about his privacy, but considers I'm not entitled to any, I wouldn't really care. But now it's just a matter of putting him in his place.

Oh yes reminds me, twunt quote alert
"I don't have to give an explanation because I'm not a schoolboy"

Yes, credit card statements too. Paypal if the amounts are significant enough - I didn't bother...and neither did he phew. Anything involving money basically can be asked for.

Hilariously, in one transaction he wrote 'payment to X to sell Y' - which was the only evidence he'd disposed of Y (he was denying he had)...we had a field day with that one in court.

Dishonest? Yep. And stooopid.

Ho hum.

WWK and all, you have made my day. I feel like Hobbit when she may have had wine

Oh and the twunt quote should have had the work "obviously" at the beginning of it. Obviously!

WWK did you start work today?

Izzie...oh your twunt quote has a familiar ring :

Me : Why have you locked your phone and the i-pad?

Twat : I don't have to explain to you, I am not five.

No, not five, just a lying, unfaithful, deceitful tosser

I also got some limited disclosure from OW. However, I believe that was a fairytale. Apart from her business accounts which demonstrated how not to run a business.

Hi . I am not ashamed one bit to weep . From dayone of sobbing so heavily it hurt. I seem to be able to stop it fairly quickly. But I cannot stop the tears coming . Odd feeling really.

Anyway. I do take real comfort that we can just come along rant / moan / shout / and at anytime of the day too . I think RL support gets a tad tired of me , I try not to talk about it but it is just the anniversaries etc that hit me hard , subconciously. I do like the different opinions of all my friends on here.

At the end of the day we are decent human beings. It counts for a lot you know because we have friends here and in RL who do value us. I have been surprised at just who my real friends are. Lots of them . BUt I do count MN friends as real friends too , I am that sincerely because you people carried me when I was at my lowest in the dark nights of January . That was the lowest point in my life. It was. I lost my parents suddenly , but that pain was nothing to the pain caused by my loved one - I never thought she would do that to me & I never thought anyone could feel such pain . But the pain subsides . With time. Slowly.

I am not stating all men are nice - I am saying that there are some good ones left on the shelf of life. I think I am one. Slightly damaged , been used, but still working and comes with a lifetime warranty . Just needs looking after.

KOKO All . xxx.

Izzie
Yes, it does include credit card statements (and loan statements). Check for continuity in the statements - that dates lead on from one another, pages etc. Also check the figures in the top right hand corner - credit level and limit etc - and that these all lead on from one another. When you get a big pile of statements through from all different accounts, its easy to presume that they are all there………….

I'm hoping just the threat of full disclosure will help H to decide to come to an agreement, I don't want to see his bank statements and I'm sure he doesn't want to show them to me.

I have nothing to hide but he does, hopefully that'll work in my favour.

Braving I'm hoping the threat of full disclosure causes PD a fatal coronary

Thanks Pink

MrsC what I find ironic is that PD was very condescending at his worst. Treating people like they were.....children. Or some batty old dear. Well, now he has one

Well quite Izzie...similar situation here...

I saw somebody today who I haven't seen for a while who gave me two rather significant pieces of information...but didn't realise they were doing so. I wish MN would hurry up and reinstate my threads, I will post it on there once that is done.

Izzie That would solve my money worries.

Ooh let us know when the thread has been reinstated. Hope it's soon, I'm a nosy caah.....

Braving and it would be a real poke in the eye for the bitches! And of course, we get to organise the funeral. do you think they would let me use the Fuck Off Song?

I will...still waiting to hear back from them!

Just a small point...disclosure is only compulsory if you go to court - and even then some of them, as we have discovered, refuse. At least there can be repercussions there.

I actually asked SF for 3 yrs c/a statements as I wanted to know where a certain sum had disappeared to. I did get most of them, but I took the decision not to request too much and be happy with limited statement provided because 1) he took months to produce them and 2) it just gave him an opportunity to play games and 3) I didn't really need any more info

Izzie I think we all know who wouldn't be coming.

I'm not best impressed this evening. WWYD?
I have been collecting bits for when I move. Bedspreads for the DDs, jugs, candles, that sort of thing. The stuff that he never allowed in the house. It's all at the very back of my wardrobe and bought with (my) cash.

So this evening he is out having dinner with eldest DD and said to her how "mummy is buying lots of crap for her new house, isn't she?"

So he has been through my things to find them. I am so cross.

Bobs My solicitor suggested disclosure would be needed for mediation, so that's what I'll be telling H.

Toast A lock on your door for starters.