HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

iget I know you've emailed him now, but I would perhaps either have got DS to do it, or suggested that he pays something straight into DS's account. You need to explain that although DS can claim a grant once you are separated (you need proof) this will not be paid till September. DS could then do some shopping or give you his food allowance Could he get a summer job?

You should try to find some other TV stuff that you and DD would enjoy together. Find out what else she likes watching and if you have Netflix there's loads on there. And you could have cinema and popcorn evenings at home together.

green what is happening re your next hearing? Are you able to make it a FH? Thinking of you as it's not long now. Hope you're well otherwise.

why how awful about the dog Hope you're hand is not hurting too much and you have painkillers. I'm sorry to say it would be unsafe to keep a dog around young children if it bites even once, especially if unprovoked. If there is something wrong mentally it could get worse. We have had that happen in our family when I was a child

Yes Fuckit good luck tomorrow - deep breaths

why I'm so so sorry about your dog.

fuckit fingers crossed for tomorrow

Good luck for tomorrow fuckit.

Lol, very foxy big red tail and a pointy face hehe, *Braving, you'll have seen no. 6 then too !

Bobs my ds wouldn't dare ask MAR for money. He knows what he's like. The question remained unanswered so I'll take that as a no. It's a bit hard to get someone to take him on just for summer months especially when he's going on hols in July.

Well, ds will have to cut down on his chicken intake then, iget my love won't he? If you haven't got it, he can't eat it,

Hobbit lol, cut down on his chicken intake .... Sounds so trivial. Yes I do spoil him food wise, he used to be a little chubster (like his mummy) and then had some eating issues as he was teased quite a bit going into big school. He then got really into fitness and healthy eating. He actually has some ocd issues with food and eating habits so although he's 19 it's the one area that might become affected by his dad leaving. He's quite sensitive I suppose for a 19 year old but so helpful I just couldn't deprive him of his chicken lol lol .... I think mar will just have to cough up some money ... If even for a few catering packs of chicken .... Lol

why could our twunts be any more similar ?! Yes MAR used to think that animals had to be dominated to show them who was boss ( guess we must fall in to that category too. I really feel for you ... You sound totally at your wits end. Listen, don't feel bad if the dog has to go. Your health and the safety of you and the kids come first. We had just got a new lab to replace our old one that died a year ago. He was such a handful and I honestly couldn't manage him. Got no help with him and despite getting long walks he needed fields to run about in all day. We only had him a few months when h walked out and I told him dog would have to go as he wasn't going to help with it. I found a really good home for him and don't regret him going. In your case though you can't risk him biting your dc. Actually just reminded me of a ( now) funny story! Twat head was out on one of his runs and was running down a nearby lane... A very fierce collie obviously mistook h for a sheep and chased him down the lane and bit into his calf lol lol,
I'll pm you later but you need to have some rest. I know things are piling up and instinctively you and I know that we have been made to feel that we must turn to them and no one else, WA explained that to me. Because we became so socially isolated they wanted us to be completely reliant on them, so don't be hard on yourself for ringing him. Strange the way both our health can be affected by these cruel men. Fuck him ! Don't you worry about him going off on one .... He is going to be hit by karma like a cricket bat in the face ! And we'll just stand and watch the show. Take care and I'll pm later xx

Why my Twunt thought the dog needed to be dominated too. Even the dog is more relaxed since Twunt left. Hope your hand heals quickly. And yes, as Iget says we were long trained to turn for them for help. Fuck knows why, if your twunts were anything like mine they didn't provide much help, unless it made them look good. Also, they didn't actually know everything They just thought they did.

morning all - some really good posts from roz and iget

why are you ok - yes X was my first port of call too - just had breast op washing machine leaking & utility room swimming - had to scream at him down the phone to get him to come over -

this isolating thing -although realise lot of this is down to them some of it is us too - my DM always relied on my DF thought thats what you were supposed to be able to do- we dont ship somebody else in to look after them when they are ill - we see that as part of our natural role.

hobbit had been thinking about your commune thing - women are so more supportive of each other and with our combined skills reckon we could manage pretty well man free

bobs no idea what is happening yet - have a feeling this week going to be lots of fuckwittery

fuckit good luck for today - steel balls and dave strutt needed

did wonder this morning if X still reading on here and whether it gives him some sadistic pleasure to realise I am still suffering.

braving "I realised earlier that H has my big canvas holdall, I'm going to miss that bag" - this has made me laugh - i'm not sure if you are taking the piss or serious but obviously missing the bag more than the H!!

good day everyone xx

one thing i have observed about myself is that when I am on here as much as I have been recently my mental health is a bit dodgy - seem to have a need for constant support and now that there will always be someone out there checking in

bobs meant to say hope u had a good weekend

Green It's a really good bag :) Don't want it now it's been in their house though, it's dirty now like him.

Interesting I'm not really missing him, I'm missing having someone but not specifically him.

green hope that we are of some help here - as others have said just the act of writing something down is often helpful! :-)

I know that I have been helped immensely by the Hobbitettes. Sorry must organise myself to make a decent long post instead of taking up numbers here !!

Stupid tesco and the stupid Father's Day cards! Am a mess. Please tell me it will get easier?!

RMA

Just caught up with the gang posting. Too many people to say hi individually. But hello everyone, I have seen some posts on here that astound me that us left behind are treated so badly by them .

Like we never did anything wrong. Total shits. I have never been so hurt in my life . Six months to the day she told me we were finished.

Just to let every single one of you know that not all men are wankers OK ? I worshipped my wife . I would never have harmed our marriage and if I ever meet someone else I would be exactly the same .

I see the pain the posts and I wish I could wave a wand to help you all , including me . But I cannot. I can wish you all , the best of happiness however that comes to us all .

Not inspiring but these are my thoughts today , lots of weeping today , but weeping is progress from sobbing & that is the way . The only way is up.

KOKO. xxx.

A colleague of mine, who used to work with H, finally managed to ask me how I am today, he's been embarrassed by his association with H and it obviously took a lot for him to approach me, it has helped because it's been an unspoken issue between us until now.

One more for team Braving.

We're not expecting H to want to see DD until at least Thursday, so radio silence from us until he gets in touch, neither of us really wants to see or hear from him so I won't be proactively trying to facilitate contact any more, the ball is in his court.

Go team Braving !!! it's got to be a boost hearing that from your colleague. It made me think of some of you who have got support from the in laws. My Mil is the kind of stony cold woman who doesn't do emotion but comes across to everyone that she is a frikken Saint ( hhhmmmmm and I thought h got it from his df ! Obviously he got the worst of the 2 of them... Ones a bully/binge drinker and the other is just... Dead inside ). Anyway although I don't want them anywhere near me, it would have been nice to have been asked how I was.

Green I totally agree that this group is a life saver. I know at times when I'm in a blind panic about something mar has done, that I can just come here and either ask for advice or have a good rant. I think we all feel at some point that we can't burden our closest friends or family any more that day so it eats us up inside and we need to get it out. This is a really great place for that ( apart from when you lose the post you've just spent an hour writing... That just makes me seethe lol ). I find that writing a letter to them and then burning is also good, especially if it's really emotional. Being honest I have been quite depressed at times over the last 7 years ( post brain tumour ) and I know mar found this unbearable but I have to say that although I'm really sad and angry about him leaving, ( understatement), I have to admit that now that I'm being forced to become more independent, I'm rather enjoying it .... Certainly doing things around the house on my own, driving more and further are all leading to even more confidence. From going from thinking I was pig ugly lol, I'm now more able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. Certainly I have moments of very real fear and anger and loneliness but to be honest there have been slightly less of them and more inclination to think Meh whenever I feel a wind up situation coming on. I've a long long way to go but surely a little "meh" is better than no "meh" at all ?!

Drifted I certainly hope you're right about not all men being like what I think but my problem is that after 23 years, I cannot comprehend what that actually would be like. My WA counsellor also said to me about marriage being a partnership and she is married and lovely and obviously some women are lucky enough to find these men. I'm just not sure 'where' you find them or indeed if I want one to find me. For now I'll just settle for more independence and even more meh

Iget I was with H for 25 year, since I was 17, it's hard to comprehend meeting someone else and starting a relationship, never mind the physical side of things, my plan is to dabble a bit in on-line dating, get out and about with friends as much as possible and see what happens. In the meantime I'm working on me, trying to lose some more weight and get fitter. Never say never, but like you I'm not that keen at the moment.

Hello all, trying to catch up while sitting in the sunshine supervising DS who is merrily running around! So many posts here and too many to respond to but it does appear that everybody has had a bit of a shit few days with one thing or another. Drifted so sorry about your anniversary. It's tough isn't it and don't be afraid to admit to crying occasionally. I certainly do, and it's been nearly two years for me. Some hurt just doesn't go away (although hopefully it will in time). Somebody posted about father's day cards, I felt a bit sad looking at them today too but bought for my Dad and my FIL, both of whom deserve them. bobs, thank you for asking about brother, he is recovering. Huge surgery, his stomach had escaped into his chest cavity and was wrapped around his heart and lungs. It doesn't bear thinking about. DD sees her surgeon on Monday afternoon, so we will have a timeline for her operation and recovery etc. I am terrified about my child going under the knife, but it has to be done. Onwards and upwards for all of us

Evening all

Oh I just love that quote. Sums up Planet Dickhead to a tee.

I am chasing him for information. He is ignoring. Quel surprise! Yawn yawn

Eventually I will get a pompous twatty email back saying that his time is precious and that, unlike me, he has important things to do. Hmm yes I saw he was at the very large shopping centre on Saturday withdrawing cash. It's a long way to go to just withdraw cash.....obviously I have no idea what he bought, because he is entitled to his privacy. I, on the other hand, have to have everything open to him. What a fucking twat he is. Although I don't suppose anyone on here need me to tell them that!

Well, he must have a very large shove somewhere because he's certainly digging himself into a very large hole. I shall just enjoy the view for the time being. Catch up later. I'm not going to think about this any more. Not until tomorrow, when I send another email asking for the same information. Again. And then the day after. Etc.

Off to get some stuff done because I just sit on my fat arse normally

Hi everyone, feeling a bit weepy here too. I hate the uncertainty of my future. I hate what this will do to DC but most of all I think I hate him for doing this to his family. How unhappy do you have to be to inflict this kind of pain and upheaval on the very people who love you the most? The DC were messing about together in the garden over weekend. I asked him to stand and watch them. He couldn't even really look at them - walked away. I don't want him here anymore but it's still so hard.

why so sorry about your dog. Hope you're ok?

Will catch up later lovely ladies and RM. KOKO xx

2little and drifted sorry to hear that you are struggling and yes it does get better. I uncovered more evidence of him cheating today with yet another OW. Two years ago I would have been shaking. Today I couldn't care less. I just felt sorry for the OW who from what she wrote was being sexually abused by him. I felt huge gratitude to be free and huge gratitude that I'm not like that myself practically a nun these days so my DS at least has one parent he can rely on.

Iget you ain't ugly.

1 I expect the thought of telling your DC is looming large so it's no wonder you feel weepy and you can't be strong all the time.