HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Thank you hobbit, I don't feel very strong most of the time. He isa special sort of cunt because he actually did this when I was pregnant with dd although claimed it was because we were arguing and we were actually the best of friends and he was supportive through the pregnancy and even there at the birth. What a difference an OW makes hey?! Well my friend has just informed me that he's been posting on Facebook about his baking escapades with her, lovely! Quite clearly crying into his coco and missing his dd who he hasn't seen or spoken to for 2 weeks. I couldn't give a shit, she's happy and that's all that matters, we got through the weekend and the weeks are easier. I just hope they stay together and he stays away from us.
Someone said to me when they heard him speak about the situation "there is no dad in that man at all" I feel like such an idiot for having children with him, but he put on a very good show of being a family man and his children being the light of his life, more fool me for falling for it!!
I used to hate the fact that I know he's told everyone I was a co trolling bitch among other things and he had to get away bla bla but I've come to realise, if they believe that from a man who doesn't see his children then they're as stupid as I was and they too will learn.

I think 10pm is my cut off, if I'm not in bed by then I start crying - stupid hormones

what i want to know is there any man out there that at some point down the line admits and apologises for treating his wife and kids like shit - admits that what he put them through was all about how he felt about himself and nothing really to do with what they had done/didnt do - is there just one that could hold his hand up and say yep that was all my fault - i put you through hell because i wasn't man enough to face up to my responsibilities and my own dissatisfaction- just one that would make sense of all this!

Mine's pretty much done this. Must be all this time on his own, lots of time to think. For whatever reason he's not with OW, I'm not sure why but I should think it's his choice not hers. She walked out on her home, marriage and children after a very short affair.

I get lots of long, miserable texts, blaming himself, apologising, full of regrets. He's not asking to come back, I think he knows it's gone too far and I won't let him. Sobbed down the phone for an hour or more last week. He is genuinely miserable and regretful. Thing is, it's too bloody late, it's well and truly over. I'm sure if he was out dancing the light fandango with OW I'd feel some pangs but the time and space between us has given me perspective. He was a truly abusive, cruel man and if he's now suffering he brought it on himself.

He put me through hell for years and I think if he had cold-bloodedly come up with a plan to destroy me as a person, he couldn't have done better than how he behaved as a husband. This is not exaggeration. I've worked so hard to survive him.

Tomorrow I start my new job and it'll be a steep learning curve. But if I could cope with my marriage and not be totally nuts at the end of it, I can deal with a new job and the associated learning. I'm not defeated, I rise, I rise, I rise.

I've searched and can't find it. Should I be able to find it?

Well done wwk xx

green I so understand where you're coming from. Being a single parent is exhausting especially when you're ill as well.

I've had another nightmare day.
My dog was barking to go out this morning so I went to let her out...she didn't go so I just pushed her bottom a little bit and she turned on me. She actually bit right through my hand. I was so shocked. I managed to get to the sink and put cold water on it but there was bloody everywhere. Unfortunately due to my health and low bloody pressure i passed out right there on the kitchen floor. Can my life get any shittier?

I must have hit my head as well because when my eldest girl found me I asked her to get my mobile and I rang him. God help me will I ever f ing learn. Of course it went to answerphone and I left a mangled message about me being on the floor. He eventually rang back and had a go at me! My eldest just told me to put the phone down!

A friend came round and helped me as I had to go to hospital. More drugs and injections.

I now think I have to get my dog re-homed. If she had turned on my little one she would have been at face level. I can't afford to leave it. I've got to sort it tomorrow. It's just one loss after another for the children.

Rozalia, that was inspiring and strengthening to hear how far you've come. I feel similar in that he couldn't have hurt me more, I have no idea what he could've done that wasn't illegal that could've hurt me more than have an affair whilst ttc our second child and then blame me and then take my daughter for 3 days who's never been away as some sort of sick lesson to me, blame me for the whole relationship, lie about absolutely everything and then stop all contact. When people are worried how I'll cope with 2 tinies and a degree I feel reassured that I will manage that if I've managed this.
We will all rise

Toast No, that's good you shouldn't be able to find it, you can only be added by a member.

I'd like to join I've managed to add Iget as a friend maybe she can invite me to the group. Haven't got a clue how it all works.

tabby if you PM me your fb name I'll see if I can add you. A description of your profile photo helps if there's lots of people with your name.

Braving -Ok, how would I do that?

Whyme - oh that sounds so awful. Has your dog behaved like that before? I understand why you rang him, I did the same when my car broke down. It's like a reflex action isn't it

whyMe that's awful.

Well done Roz for getting away from that man, you will rise, onwards and upwards...

Good wishes sent your way for tomorrow, if you can escape that hellish marriage you can do anything

No, that's good you shouldn't be able to find it, you can only be added by a member.

braving what? Completely lost.....

whyme sorry you have had a shite day x A pox on him!

Why

Toast Click on "message poster" on one of my posts.

missed the message up there braving - will PM you...

Oh no Whyme , I hope you're ok now, that's so worrying, dogs can be unpredictable sometimes, I know you can't take a risk with a child's safety.

Wise It's a secret fb group, I just wanted to check it was set up properly, apparently with a closed group none members can still search for the group and see who's a member, so not private enough.

Done it. Let me know if you find me Braving.

toast she's always been food possessive but I feed her when I do the school run to avoid any possible problems. She plays with the children really well in the garden but when she comes in she has issues. She's growled at me before but never as ferocious as this. Once she did it she knew she's done wrong.

The weasel used to say she needed to be controlled and he used to knee her and push her down. I used to put her in her pen before he got home to try to avoid that. I truly believe he damaged her.
And you're right...it is like a reflect action.

Sounds like it is probably what he did. The trouble is you just can't be too careful with kids can you? I'd love to have my dog sleep upstairs with me but I worry about her being unsupervised near my DDs at night.

How's the hand now? Very painful I expect?

Thanks girls for all the kind words.
It's just another crisis that I have to face alone.
You're right toast it is really painful. I've kept a brave face on all day with the children but bloody hell it hurts.

roz I'm not defeated, I rise, I rise, I rise. and you will. You have coped with all his shit now let him suffer.

Dreading going into work tomorrow. I wonder what happens now I have started a formal grievance?

Son number three looking at old photos this eve. We had some good times and I can see he was happy. Why do they do this? I really don't understand.

Sleep well everyone.

fuckit good luck tomorrow...hold your head high.

I realised earlier that H has my big canvas holdall, I'm going to miss that bag.

Just managed to catch up after being away for a couple of days.

WWK brilliant news re the job. Was that the one that you had the interview for? Hopefully you don't have to commute too far before you are able to move there permanently. Exciting times - scary but exciting. And it didn't take you that long after all

Toast defo get a doctor's report. i've discovered that twunts do all they can re ill health, about to lose their job etc etc. All you're doing is telling the truth, and any truth that could benefit you is a truth in deed!

Wise at being checked out by the woman at the check out

MrsC it amazes me how much you are having to put up with with all the illnesses/operations in your family. How is your DD? and did your brother's operation go ok?

When my sister was dying 9 years ago, SF didn't travel down south to the hospital with me. I went on the train and afterwards he picked me up from the local station. i could have really done with a hug Then When my DM was diagnosed with cancer, I found a lump on my boob. I went to the hospital on my own. Thankfully, like you, it was all seen and sorted in a day and thankfully nothing to worry about. When DM passed away, he didn't want me staying away for a few days sorting out the funeral (my job was to be at home with him and the girls)