HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

oh dear have watched Netflix for so long - it thinks I have gone to sleep " are you still watching the Killing? " - Yes I am ! Hmmmmph harassed by a TV !

Good evening ladies (and random gent) I just saw the word "Superdry"...and laughed out loud...my husband and his Superdry t-shirts that really are not suited to a middle aged man, especially with his stomach protruding out of the bottom of them (oft commented on by school mums) as they don't cater for oversized teenagers (!). Indeed one mother recently asked me if DS's father was a in what is deemed a socially unacceptable term. I think it's the hair....what OW has done to his hair is dreadful. She should stick to cutting children's hair as she is "qualified" to do....

In terms of the very many comments about Form E's and income/expenditure...to be honest it becomes a moot point. The courts have seen it all before and certainly in my case, a nominal order is granted when things are not quite as they seem or indeed there are small children involved. Please do not ever think they give a shit about what happens to you, you are past tense, so it is really very important to get the legal shit right. I realise that isn't helpful, but it is fact. Those of you who still have joint finances or access to...keep a very strict note of financial behaviour...it is worth doing. I am glad I did it, and it will be very useful very shortly...

Upthread, one of you lovely ladies mentioned the effect of these situations on our children in the future and their own decisions in terms of relationships. I can't speak for 4 yo just yet, however, I will absolutely ensure that he never treats a woman (or man, who knows?) in the way his father has treated me and his sister. He will be taught how to treat others with respect and understanding and I do hope that I one day see him married (unlikely given my age and his difficulties), but I will make sure he has the basis of good husband material and will never ever ever behave like his father has. That is the one thing I can do for him.

In terms of my DD. She is ex-twunt's step-daughter and was from 2 years old. To say she has become a cynical and hard individual by virtue of this experience would be an understatement. She was well aware he was having affairs because she could hear him from her room (ours was in the loft and he spent the large part of the evening up there on his i-pad engaging with various OW's), he told her 3 months before he left that he was planning to leave and asked if she would still see him. She chose not to tell me because she thought it would cause trouble and it would, in her words "blow over". Clearly I had no idea anything was wrong at this time. He chose to put that burden on a 14 year old child who had recently been diagnosed with anorexia, he thought she would do his dirty work, it seems. The things she has confided in me since he left have destroyed me. She eventually suffered a breakdown and was referred to CAMHS. She missed 3 months of school and I ended up moving schools eventually. She has also had to deal with all of the shit he has put on us while doing her GCSE's. He wouldn't even know or even think about her in that regard. She has had so much to deal with, it is unreal, yet she is a bright, beautiful and amazingly intelligent girl. WWK will attest to that. He also emailed her to tell her she needed to have a DNA test as her father may not be her father. I cannot begin to understand what would go through the mind of a "father", step or otherwise, to send that to a child with the difficulties she has had.

I actually think that a lot of this is because of OW, who dismissed my daughter out of hand as a "stick to beat me with" and indeed "two children by two different fathers, like an episode of Jeremy Kyle". Because of course, she CAN'T have a baby with my husband, he's had the snip and she's pushing 50. So, she chooses to round on my children instead. Cunt.

I cannot even begin to describe the problems my little boy has. His father will never understand it or even try to...so I have given up with that. No, they NEVER think about the children, I imagine I give more thought to OW's son than she does. Poor kid, he'll be in the firing line in no time...she just doesn't know it yet...

iget why
I saw a friend tonight. A friend of hers is going through a horrendous divorce from a nasty and controlling shit who uses all those tactics. Guess what he does for a living? Yes, apparently he's some elite or whatever. Interestingly, what also came out was that some solicitor said that her firm won't take on divorce cases where they are asked to represent a police officer, male or female.

Mrs C
Oh no mine has slimmed down to a size medium in superdry. At the gym every day, 70 mile bike ride at weekends. Lovely to have the time!

And I think my DDs are pretty well equipped to deal with relationships. Of course the last umpteen years have fucked them up but finally I got my head out of my arse and put them first. And taught them (eventually!) that women don't havd to put up with things just because they are married. I'm determined to be a good role model for them.

Congratulations Wise it's nice to get some positive news. It's good that it's in an area that interests you too.

Izzie big decision made by you, hope you're okay

izzie that's interesting. Unfortunately my girls and I have suffered again at the hands of the weasel. He is twisted.

My solicitor told me to try to negotiate with him (!).

So one of the many things that have happened ...
problem with house guttering following the storm this week. Last time it happened I paid for it to be repaired. But I thought sod it I'll get him to pay as he still owns half the house.
Anyway on his Friday phone call to the girls I tried to speak to him. I was calm and reasonable. But I just got silence (!). I told him about the damage and silence. I repeated what I had said and silence. Then I got "hmmm" and then more silence. I then told him I knew he had left my eldest alone in the hotel room last weekend and he got really angry. He's playing twisted mind games. After trying to talk to him I got upset and smashed a large ornament that he had bought and screamed. The frustration of trying to talk to someone who obviously hates me is driving me mad.
He proceeded to tell my eldest something about mummy (that mummy heard) and he told her to put the phone down.
He then started texting me on my mobile. Telling me to get my eldest to ring him again because he wanted to know if everything was ok. I told him to leave us alone. Then he said he would come to the house and fix the things that needed doing. Bloody hell...he didn't fix anything when he was here so why offer now. We then went on to have such a bizarre text conversation I think he's lost the plot. I asked him why he was so angry with me and he said "I'm not angry I never get angry". This is from the man who was previously told by his employers that he had 'anger management issues'. He then started to accuse me of stuff when I said that it was his behaviour that had caused this I got "Complete rubbish...Had I been the monster you make me out to be I'd have stopped paying the mortgage probably smashed the door in to get my tools. I'm not that person and never will be". (!) He then said he would come to the house again. What part of "NO" does he not understand.
He then changed the subject and started saying I was stopping him from seeing the children on fathers day. I pointing out that he was the reason he wasn't seeing them because the original court date would have been before fathers day as would the first change he requested. Unfortunately he requested another change and the date is now after fathers day. He then replied.."That's a no then. Seen and noted". Fucking police speak (aaaaaarrrgghhh). He then said that he hadn't been to the separated parenting class. I've been and have a certificate to prove it! How come I have complied with everything and he does what he wants.

Plus my eldest is having all sorts of problems and is now disruptive at school. I'm trying to talk to her but she shuts me out completely. Where's my beautiful little girl gone. He has destroyed her childhood.

And I know it will get worse as we get closer to the next court date. How much can I take before he pushes me over the edge.

oh and he's given up smoking as well. He has completely reinvented himself.

MLC weasel...flash car - check, expensive clothes - check, lost loads of weight - check, nasty younger OW - check, Disney fucking land dad - check, stopped smoking after 30 odd years - check, demented twat - check, contempt for some to be ex-wife - check.

spelling mistake - should have been "soon to be ex-wife". Bloody spell check.

wise...great news - well done.

I see so many similarities in the weasels behaviour and your posts green and mrsC it's scary.

Whyme - that is so sad about your DD. They really don't give a shit do they?

Mine isn't a Disney dad anymore. The only person he spends money on is himself ??

You're right Toast they don't give a shit.

Has anybody had to get a medical report done to use in their divorce? I have an ongoing medical condition which has the possibility of becoming life changing for me (ie in a wheelchair). STBEH does not want it mentioned in the divorce and says I'm selfish to use it. The mediator said it will probably mean we hsve to go to court. My solicitor wants it done. Just not sure what to do for best.

Toast you can get a medical report done if you want to and it's pertinent to do so, e.g. you're going into a final hearing and you have unusual, long-term health risks as this may have an impact on your final settlement.

He can say what he likes. It doesn't make it true. You ask your solicitor to advise you on divorce, not your ex!

MrsC and Iwas it is heart breaking to hear what they have put your lovely DDs through at what is already a difficult age. My DS also suffered in a similar way and continues to suffer his dads lies and attempts to alienate him from me although its nowhere near as bad as it was last year. It caused him emotional problems and problems at school. I have managed to pull him back to a happier place although not entirely I'm still working on it. Keep going lovely ladies. Just carry on doing your best that's all you can do. Iwas keep the faith that the bond between a mum and child is very strong and very difficult to break. Try not to engage with him and if you really have to act like you don't care. Try to think of his words as pointless unimportant drivel.

Toast definitely get the medical report. Of course he doesn't want you to and of course it doesn't make you selfish.

mrsC what a poor excuse for a human - no decency at all and when it comes down to it that is what it's all about - being fair and decent - what happens to them really? The only consolation can be that this has to be one person who underneath it all is not a happy person - how can you be when you are a total shit to people who have loved and supported you? i couldn't bear it myself...

I just know if I get it done it will be like lighting a stick of dynamite. His theory is he could drop down dead of a heart attack tomorrow as he has high cholesterol so that should be taken into account. I don't think that's the same as the fact I was told 12 years ago that I had probably 10 years before I would no longer be able to walk. Obviously at the moment I'm fine, it's not how they foresaw, but the condition sometimes gets worse if I spend the day on my feet, which at the moment in my work I do.

He said if it happens he will "of course" look after me. And it would probably be best for him to have the DC at that stage

Toast it's up to him how he conducts himself in the divorce, the key thing is you look after yourself.

He says "of course, I'll..." then he should have no objection to you mentioning your health condition and it be taken into consideration then, should he? He's are failing to see his apparently contradiction here!

As for high cholesterol? There's steps he can take to reduce it.

Moreover, anyone of us might get run over my a bus tomorrow, it doesn't mean anything though when it's thrown into a negotiation. Meaningless drivel.

Get it done my love, light that stick of dynamite and shove it where the sun don't shine, protect yourself and your dc's future, toast xx

I said that to him about the bus scenario!!

What he can't seem to grasp is that if he insists on not paying me spousal maintenance for a few years, long enough for me to sort myself out and find a secure job. Then I will have to continue working every hour I can cleaning (so on my feet) and with huge stress levels. Both of which make my condition worse.

I don't want sympathy from him, he's certainly never offered me that I'm regard to this. Just an understanding that it could impact my life considerably. And if he takes the DC from me at that stage what on earth would I do money wise???

Hobbit

FormidableMrsC
Had to laugh at the SuperDry tshirts My ex was obsessed with SuperDry. Think it was some kind of midlife crisis buying teenage clothes and swanning around in a sports car. Expensive, demanding toddlers don't fit into that scenario.

Maybe it's a uniform they feel compelled to wear....?

Toast "might get run over by a bus tomorrow......" Ahhhh

Can I share a piece of good news, small as it is? wise think you need a slight adjustment in your mentality here -this is not a small piece of news this is the first step and a big one on your path to a new life - you need to celebrate!!! CONGRATS

bobs like the Mothers Day part 2 - i wonder where the father's day thing came from - prob from a man feeling left out & needing recognition for his "part"

braving you are making me laugh with twat at the end of all your posts

managed to get the front garden looking respectable too so X will notice when DC dropped off later - but found myself questioning again whether want to stay in FH or move - used to love gardening was my "gym" and therapy but having to maintain a large garden on your own is not so much fun these days - not sure if I want to devote as much time to it as i have or whether want to be out doing "new" things. Feel my life has been a bit out of sync- feel I have had my "retirement" phase with cooking gardening etc oh & looking after kids and now I am not sure what is coming

tabby timely post from you X living costs £8000 pm but income of £25K and somehow thinks kids can stay at school - & he works in finance - bloody hell