HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

And I'm trying not to give mine ammunition but he delights in goading me I think. Going on about he will have no free time tomorrow because DD said he can go to her dance show.

It's at 6.

He has the whole rest of the day ffs

Toast Sounds like H, he wasn't going to see dd today because he's on nights (I'm assuming overtime as he originally told her they could spend the whole day together), since when does doing nights mean he can't do anything else that day. Twat.

It just annoys me. I'm being perfectly reasonable letting him see them when he wants and he was the one who said he wanted 50/50 to start with! And truthfully he can't be arsed.

And he played a blinder this evening. For years I asked/begged him to find a lower paid job with less hours so we could be a family and he could actually see his children. That I could work too and could juggle the childcare. It was an outright no everytime. So today when he is saying how he will only pay basic maintenance and I can manage on benefits, he said how I always said money wasn't important and now I could find out when I had none.

Apparently he has filled out his form e and I'm not going to like it. I have no idea how much money he needs, he told me. So I'm in for a surprise.

Toast He seems to have misunderstood the system, H is the same thinks he can say how things are going to be and that's it, another one in for a shock.

I'm fairly sure a mediator should know what a reasonable spending amount is?

The DCs needs come first, then your needs because they're living with you, then him - bottom of the pile.

Not in his mind obviously.

Nice new outfit he had on today though.....

do tell....toast.....

btw does anyone use iPad of this and does it crash all when you are getting to the end of this long thread???

No I just meant yet another new outfit. I think he has bought half of superdry now. I really don't think I have seen him in the same outfit since he left. Most of his clothes are still here so I guess he has decided to replace them.

New shoes too today. And a new sports bag.

I use my phone, it seems to work ok although likes to alter my spellings to what it thinks I should say

H seems to be wearing the same clothes every time we see him, most of his clothes are still here, I'm surprised he hasn't bought more, I suppose if he's living there incognito he's keeping possessions to a minimum, dunno.

An egg cup killed my phone earlier, an unexpected expense I don't need, I'm picking up a new one from Argos in the morning, can't live without a phone.

Ah dressing like the teenager he thinks he is toast
so many stupid twats out there looking like dicks - oh dear, my language...

hahahaha

He had camouflage shorts on last week. Camouflage. Shorts.

Still he has finally got rid of the beard.

I couldn't live without my phone either Braving.

Did yours like shopping for clothes? Mine loved it. He could spend days shopping. I guess that's what he's doing with his free time now.

Ha Ha. If they try to say they need a vast amount to live on just for themselves it backfires on them spectacularly. Let me give you an example. Twunt says on form E that he needs £5000 per month for his living expenses whilst wife puts an honest and sensible amount for herself and DC. Aha say clever legal people he needs £60K a year for his own living expenses that must mean that he expects to earn at least £100K a year. We need to do our calculations based on his earning capacity of £100K a year and that should give the wife a nice big share of the property and maintenance.

I really hope that is how it happens.

When I showed my solicitor my form e she said it was too cheap! I was trying to be reasonable on it and see where I could make savings. Obviously not what he's done!!

H likes very expensive designer clothes and can spend hours looking at them and trying them one, that's another hobby he can wave bye bye to.

He said recently he doesn't know what I've been spending his money on (the less than 1/3 of his salary he contributed to the household), I said must be the expensive car, watch, wardrobe full of designer clothes and the expensive hobbies - oh no that was you !!

H likes very expensive designer clothes and can spend hours looking at them and trying them one, that's another hobby he can wave bye bye to.

He said recently he doesn't know what I've been spending his money on (the less than 1/3 of his salary he contributed to the household), I said must be the expensive car, watch, wardrobe full of designer clothes and the expensive hobbies - oh no that was you !!

oops

Thats the argument that your side will put forward at which point he will either have to backtrack swiftly on his income needs or admit that he expects to earn enough to cover it.

Yes mine likes expensive clothes and hobbies. I guess that's why the direct debits are bouncing.....

I tried to (reasonably) say to him today that if I rely on benefits then in 5 years time when Middle DD is 18 I will be really in the shit in terms of being able to pay the bills. Whereas his income will have gone up and he will probably be living with someone else. He just shrugged.

This is the problem with them - so wrapped up in themself and living in the here and now and are REALLY NOT THINKING about the realities of the future...it's going to come as a bit of a shock !

Bottom line is he hates me. Utterly hates me. I've ruined his life as far as he's concerned. He wasn't particularly nice to me before this so I don't know why I expected anything different now.