HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

No, it's erat. That's my brain done for today. Too fucked with twuntiness.

Friend coming over tonight. She's short of cash this month. I'm not. Might decide to treat her instead and blow away the cobwebs

Can I share a piece of good news, small as it is?... I have a voluntary position now a couple of days a week in an area that I am interested in (educational/research/historical) ... As I have said before I live alone and in this area for less than a year so the silence can be quite deafening at times so this is a major upswing for me. Funnily enough it is something I always wanted to do when younger. So YAY for me ! :-)

izzie You are a whirl wind! I think it is right for you to get things sorted now. My mum tells me that the children will not like the changes but I have to put myself first at this stage. They are adults and nearly adult, embarking on their own lives. I think at our stage in life we do need to think of ourselves as well as them of course. If my mum, who is the biggest advocate of marriage and trying to work things out, tells me I have to think of myself, I know it's true. If it's true for me, then I'm sure it's true for all of us posting here.

hobbit Your post about me made me cry. I guess we begin to believe that we are unlovable if our own husbands can't manage to love us. I think I did anyway. On a rational level, I know that it's not true but everything gets so fucked up (excuse language) that it's so hard to see the wood for the trees.
I began to wonder if it was me who was the cause of all this...am I the things he's called me? I can't believe I am but it's lovely to have validation sometimes. Thank you.

Interesting thoughts on how this effects our DC with regards how they might treat future partners and regard marriage. I guess time will tell. Over the years I thought they would be damaged more by a divorce than anything else. Who knows. We think we are doing the right thing at the time but I guess time will tell. KOKO all.

Ps DC nearly home. Can't wait to see them. Even though we chat and text often I love to be able to physically touch them. Hope that doesn't sound weird but you all know what I mean no doubt. Xx

Wise -

Well done Wise that's the ticket - using your time wisely (ha ha) and doing things just for you. And it will lead onto other things! I think that's brilliant. A huge leap towards the Mecca of Meh.

On the other hand I just discovered this for the over 50s!!!

www.gransnet.com/life-and-style/technology/get-older-people-online

Wise

wise excellent news and piña colada

Wise well done

Izzie I always liked bellum bellum bellum belli bello bello Bella Bella Bella bellorum bellis bellis - but without the "e" . And it means war

Anyone know where I can get a Father's Day card... But one that says " you're the best daddy in the world (till you abandoned us and moved out)" or "worlds greatest dad, who is a part-time father and doesn't want to to the day to day looking after me"
I'm sure there must be cards like that somewhere?

Well, MIL thinks H is mad by all accounts. Asked if he'd finally lost his mind. Making the biggest mistake of his life. Hey ho...

DC home They are so pleased to be here. Just a couple of kids still really, despite looking all grown up.

I'm going to try to enjoy myself despite the elephant in the room. Show him what he's losing. Probably our last weekend together as a family. So sad but he's the biggest loser in all this.

Haha my DDs don't do Father's Day any more. They've decreed it Mother's Day part 2

Well done, wise , onwards and upwards my love. Xx

One, 1 my darling, I'm sorry I made you cry, give your dc's a hug for me....

Ps. Had to larf at you apologising to ME for swearing! Ha ha ha haha....
I am the queen of sweary swear-land,

wise great news

Izzie hope you are ok today, been reading your latest, serious fuckwittery going on there.

Nothing to report this end really, Youngest is happy with proposed arrangements for fathers day so we will do as he suggested.

1no re the children. Having made far too many poor choices in the men I have attached myself to and married I have ended up with an asexual adult daughter and my youngest contemplating about becoming a lesbian.

I hope this wasn't down to me but who knows?

For one ghastly minute I thought this thread had fallen off the first page!

Yeah Father's Day - cassawoof like your sentiment.....

1nogoing sending you strength to get through this weekend....

Thanks everyone for the various and things!

So much for the heatwave Pah!

Fathers Day is going to be a challenge this year.

We may need Moonpig or something for a toned down card, or maybe one of those "You're almost like a father to me" ones you're supposed to get for a favourite uncle :)

God knows what dd is supposed to give him, I don't even know if she'll see him that day.

I think I should get breakfast in bed as I'm now effectively mother and father.

TBH as he left the day before mothers day he deserves squat, I'll let DD decide though.

re; Fathers day. I'm struggling with whats appropriate to choose for a card. My youngest is terrible at writing cards/thank you letters and the ilk. She hates shopping and I know I am going to have to be the one to buy it

H was step-dad and not a brilliant one, I remember how bloody horrible he was to all of us at the end before I left. He had started gas-lighting my youngest. This was the straw that broke me.

A lot of his conversation with her was conducted with his back turned while playing his "all important" computer game. Both she and I got fed up with looking at the back of his head. The amount of times I walked past him wanting to punch it..

Anyway, he was a tosser and that's why we left, but hey ho, youngest has forgotten all of that now she is happy and settled here and is ok about spending that day with him. Guess I have to go and find something for her to give to him on the day so he can feel better about himself eh!

I don't want dd to give H something to take home and use or anything he'll share with his tart, so I'm thinking maybe an iTunes card which he'll put on his own account and therefore spend on himself.

I usually use Moon Pig and Funky Pigeon for less fussy mothers day cards for my Mother, so I'll probably order one from there. FIL will get a sloppy card from DD and a big box of chocolates.

Well he will be luckier than my ex braving

He is only going to get a card.

Forgot my own father...

Cards are a tricky one aren't they?

My STBEH celebrated his birthday a few months ago and was very cross I hadmt got him a card. Middle DD told him I hadn't because "what would it say dad? Happy birthday, sorry I don't love you anymore"?!! I had to walk away so he didn't see me laugh.

I've been trying to get mine to think of what they want to get him for Father's Day but they really aren't interested.

Not proud of myself today. Had a massive row with him and ended up telling him to fuck off. So of course he can say how cross and unreasonable I am. He was telling me how he doesn't see the children more often because he's busy filling his life with other things. And then he had the audacity to say he didn't choose to get divorced. Well no, but he treated me like crap for years. Did he honestly think I would stay forever?

Toast Mine was civil when collecting and returning dd, except he insists on opening his post on the doorstep and putting the envelopes and any junk mail straight into my bin, he grumbled at me because I'd put dog poo straight into the bin and not in a bag, I just shrugged and said it's fine the bin gets washed ( a man jet washes it the day it gets emptied) and managed a minimal reaction.

What difference it makes to him fuck knows.

As it happens I usually bag it but I had to do it in a hurry this morning because the gardener was coming - don't want to tell him the gardener has been because I'd rather pass the tidy front garden off as my own work .

Twat.

according I'm just going through the motions and giving him as little ammunition as possible, at least until the finances are sorted, he'll turn nasty again once we get down to talking £££ anyway.

Twat indeed!

he has spent the day here again whilst I have been at work or food shopping etc. I find that so difficult.