HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

I genuinely think a lot of men think that they could waltz back into their old lives with some cheap flowers and convincing words. Men generally want what they can't have, I think when these men realise they can't have back what they threw away then reality starts to hit them.
Im convinced that when exp's thoughts wander to us he thinks I'll be in contact needing him before he needs us. He under estimates my strength, I have no intention of contacting him. OW is very welcome to the man who can leave a pregnant woman - with a very planned and wanted baby!! How ironic it is that when we miscarried the month before conceiving this time he asked the midwife when we could try again, just why?!

1nogoing my son is older but for sure these things impact and show them the fallout from someone who does not act decently . It will make them realise that the one basic thing that we can all strive for is to be a decent and respectful human being - the old " do unto others"...

2little yes the weekends and holidays are difficult - I am on my own so try to get out and about ( great group walk planned tomorrow) and I expect it is very difficult with young children but they are your diversion and your future . Relish this time with them. When they are older you will wish you could have some more time at this age x

I think we all wanted to give our marriages a second chance, 1 my love, there's a lot at stake, so we have to try and repair whatever perceived "faults" there were. No one wants to be in this position, who would choose this hell? Who would put their children and extended family through it if it wasn't necessary ?

I did the pick me dance, I tried to use our long history together to try and pull him back in to the family, but he had no intention of even trying, it was just a pretence. I had six months of denial and deceit and it has damaged my emotional and physical well being.

So, don't do the same, don't put yourself through that, he isn't worth it, you are such a lovely person, so intelligent and warm, you deserve better.

izzie get your divorce process started - if he is thinking this re freezing bank accounts its quite likely he has other stunts planned

mrsc what advise can you give us -whats the nominal orders?

these twunts are all from the same mould - what has happened to make them behave as they are - is it something left over from their own childhood because none of them can face up to their responsibilities - they have all bailed out presumably because their strong wives were nagging them to do what they should have been doing anyway as a grown up but didnt like it so had to find someone else who thought they were wonderful rather than the true version we all know!
Id also like to know more about your lovely man and good for you for saying "yes" to everything. I realised there was a whole wide world out there waiting to be explored!

Ha ha braving you're a loon...

Hobbit In my defence a really good deal popped up in my inbox, it's something dd will love so I couldn't resist.

izzie *Worst twunt quote

I do. On his wedding day haha.* - at least you can still find some humour in all this.

mrsc im sure that must be what they all say - maybe as OW works she agrees to the lazy caah sponging wife - except I chose to give up my career and put my kids first - not use my career to target someone else's husband who had the lifestyle i didn't but wanted -

wise me on actuaries - thank you going down that route now - its all gone very quiet here - think X sol has done a disappearing act!

just something on financials if any of you end up in the court process - any expenditure under £100 is normally ignored unless it has been spent on OW and as a result you have been deprived.

toast you said something about just spending on essentials- if you have access to joint funds stock up on household stuff such as washing powder, cleaning stuff loo rolls pet food etc -

1 i like your post - it never "just happens" - its two people with fucked up morals and dissatisfaction in themselves that allow it to happen - decent people do this

The difference is that married people or people who are committed to their partners and families recognise what is happening and try to distance themselves ... but once we commit as consenting adults and create a family then we do our utmost to protect what we have created unless there are very good reasons not to

Actually after some pondering in the shower I'm going to disagree with my last post there are things you can still do to educate teenagers about relationships and abuse. Sometimes things come up in conversation or you see things on tv which lead to a discussion. And you can put good role models around them, spend time with relatives or friends where the husbands are respectful and supportive of their wives. Witnessing us not putting up with being treated badly and never excepting being second best will also set a great example.

wise - you are making me laugh with you agadoo!

green a nominal maintenance order is used in the situation where your ex is not working and claims to be unable to work but you know full well that as soon as the divorce is over he will be back earning a nice fat salary. You can then go back to court to activate the nominal order and start getting your maintenance paid.

1 i think about what impact all this will have on kids long term - whether it will put them off marriage -whether they will have trust issues - what sort of relationship advice is X likely to dish out when the time comes - is he going to walk DD down the aisle if she gets married?

Green I don't relish the process, but I'm more than happy to get the end result. It appears I'm dealing with a fuckwit, in which case it will be solicitors. He has been warned before, either do it in a decent and civil manner, or I will hand it over to those paid to take shit.

Hobbit we both tried. Our consciences are clear. So although it was an absolute nightmare, I'm happy I did everything I could to save my marriage for all of us. It's difficult to know how to advise someone in that situation. Part of me says don't waste your time, but part of me says give it your best shot, and at least you will never think you pissed it all away because you wouldn't try. That is their issue. I don't know.

Braving I'm surprised you haven't done it all by now! I'm in awe of your organisational skills

WWK cheers, and do I get a prize? PS nothing involving dangly bits thank you!

all enjoy the sunshine, and enjoy the lack of twunts x

Izzie I have started a Christmas spreadsheet this morning

tabby i see this as a great opportunity to educate teenagers about relationships - had my marriage survived they would have had a very squewed picture - at least I know now what matters and what doesnt - I have been thinking would I encourage DD to get involved with someone who was motivated by success and money - i thought this was a good attribute but am not so sure - all the twunts seem to have this is common -
"drifted" - just a thought do you fall into this category - my gut feeling is you probably dont.

braving ITS JUNE!!! the sun's out - how can you be thinking of christmas

on that note im off to tackle the garden - good day everyonexx

My gardener is here and the sun is out, just saying

A luxury I'm not sure I can afford long term.

I've wasted so much time today re his nonsense. For someone who claims always to be busy with work, he certainly wastes a lot of time doing pointless record keeping and downloading bloody apps. How often do any of you need to know your mortgage balance and the interest on it? Oh but he needs to know these things at least monthly! What a fucking saddo.

Anyway, he replied to my last email, took the point in a very grudging and impolite fashion. Correction, he's always polite. I know this cos he tells me so. Silly me. I then followed up asking him to give me some proposals, saying we don't need pension figures as I am still going on what I originally said, which was that I'm not forsaking any share of the pension pot to put towards a property. I also asked if he still wanted to negotiate directly with me, as first envisaged, or does he now want to do it all through solicitors.

I'm not sure DS2 is enamoured at my starting on the divorce route, not if it means a move. Well, he will have to get used to it. I've told him and he's seen for himself how different life is without him and how it is when he features again. As things stand, he could at any time move back in. Oh yes, don't think he wouldn't!!! At the end of the day it's MY marriage and MY divorce. If PD wants his sons to live where we do now, he will have to reach a mutually acceptable agreement with me. I don't want to move really, not after I've put so much effort into making it mine over the last 7 months, but I'm not going to put up with his nonsense any longer. If the price I pay for a happier life is to move, well so be it.

I won't be rushing a decision on moving, it's a big step and I want to get it right the first time. But in the same way as others on here have had to face that bridge, then so must I at some stage. One thing is certain....unlike my car purchase, he will absolutely NOT be taking any part in viewings etc. He will NEVER step inside a property owned solely by me. I will ask my brother and sister in law for help. They both have their heads screwed on, know my tastes, limitations etc.

I'm sure he's delayed doing anything because he's not sure what to do. He's so far had the security of knowing that all his property is intact, and he could fall back on it. And now, all of that will be removed, because I want to move on. And that's why he's so bloody furious. The choices were all his before. And now he knows that he has none. It's her, with her never being accepted by his sons, or nothing. Tough. You reap what you sow. As Hobbit said earlier today about her ex, he didn't try either. But I did, as Hobbit did. My conscience is clear. He destroyed it all. I am merely the victim. I would rather be the victim than the destroyer.

Jeeeeeez what is it with banks today !!! Got statement in that has reserve on it ( that he run up to £55,000 !!! ) and the bank gas fucked up. I went in 2 months ago to declare a marital dispute on account which ( should ) mean that he cannot withdraw any money from it ( remember mortgage acc, not personal acc ) and they mustn't have done it properly !!!!!! He has continued to make pay payments for rugby season tats wtf ?! And actually requested a new card as both of ours got cancelled .... And they only went and gave him a fucking new one !!!! Which he might have used in Canada ... I'm so beyond furious that I am taking some money ( I put aside for kids for 'just' and only taking £100 ) and going to blow it on me on whatever I want. I could cry! I'm going to be made bankrupt soon and he's running around buying f'ing rugby season tkts on our mortgage account ... I could stab him right now !
Tabby I really hope you're right but my MAR is so used to court and judges, he's like their favourite child !!!!

iget get an appointment to see the bank manager. And I mean a proper bank manager, not some spotty 20 year old in one of those tiny branches. If you get no joy, write to their head office. Or better still, get citizens advice to help. They seem to get involved in most things.

Don't make any payments to the bank. Under joint and several liability it's up to them who they chase for repayment. Clearly they will go after him as the wage earner.

I'm so sorry you're having all of this to deal with.

Barclays/Woolwich are reviewing all mortgage reserve accounts. They no longer offer this as a new product, and are reducing limits where they can.

iget when he appears in court, it's as an upholder of the law. Him v criminals. This is not the same as a divorce court. Just think of how many twunts on here we recognise as financial bullies. Well just think of how many the divorce courts see! We all in our jobs recognise certain things about certain professions. When I worked for a bank, we recognised teachers as being arrogant and ignorant . Well, what do you think they make of POs?? And remember what happened with why's weasel in court? Era not his finest moment, was it

Erm, not era

Era, doesn't that mean was in Latin? Can't be arsed to look it up. Amo amas Amat amamus amatis amant.