HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Right reading through the rest of the thread...

Iget - you know, if you're in the house alone, surely with the 'man of the house' not being around, it is perfectly reasonable for you to put in internal additional locking because you feel vulnerable. No?

You can't stop him entering the abode. You can force him to knock. Just so you know.

Izzie Of all the posters that were part of the early history of Hobbit's Bar, you're the one who has achieved so much, and whose attitude has changed so much. You've gone from angry and out of control to "I am a woman machine". I adore you for it. The fact is YOU DECIDE these days, not you react to his decisions. That's monumental. I've always encouraged people to redecorate, or rearrange the furniture, to help them shift mentality. Clearly we can't all own a 1, 333 bedroom mansion to prove the point - but you've really, really proved the rule. Proud of you.

As for "planet dickhead" and again. That's the best phrase yet!

Right, news in from WWK's world.

The pineapple petition to free the contemptuous duo...can be stood down in the war of the fruits. MrsC and I don't appear to be in any fruit cocktail after all. This news has all come in a harvest abundance today - from MrsC's court, and via some very lovely MNetters, one of whom in the last year may or may not have become a good friend of WWK and whom politely enquired about shit, another of whom (lovely woman) WWK may or may not have been a McK friend for (and who actually has a legal team who know WWK) and t'other who just knows shit. None of whom participate in this thread.

Anyway, all information currently is: Izzietinies and Tabbitinis* are passe. Drink of the bar is piña colada.

Morning all

Have sent this to PD, Planet Dickhead

"To avoid unnecessary legal fees, I will continue to use the to prevent you freezing the bank account. The legal fees will be the costs of your sons taking legal action to recover their savings from the accounts should you decide to deprive them of access, plus to have their legal fees reimbursed of course.

I would remind you that neither DS1 nor DS2 are obliged to leave their money in the joint account setup and that they are fully entitled to have it returned whenever they wish."

The account is a mortgage offset one. Their funds basically mean that we pay virtually no interest on the mortgage.

I thought about not sending the email, but quite frankly I will not be controlled or dictated to by someone who has clearly lost the plot and is controlling for his own agenda. The email will either make him think, alternatively he will go off on one. If it's the latter, then I go down the route of contacting his employers and his family, enclosing copies of the emails. his logic re the bank accounts is completely skewed. He knows that, he used to be a bank manager. And I worked in personal lending. There is no defence whatsoever.

Birthday card for HRT. They are shouting cos he's probably in the garden again....

And a song for him....

.......and a song for the rest of us. Dig that Twunt Shuffle. It's a bit like the Dave Strut but more.....ape like.....and not epic at all.

Madness

Morning izzie et al. Another more or less sleepless night and early morning. Hey ho.

wwk That's great news - you mean common sense and humour being seen for what it is, can still prevail over the the whims of the clearly deluded. Good news for us all me thinks. A real relief though for you both.

Waking up today, I wondered how long it will be before I can wake up in my own home - not a home partly owned by H - and know that there's nothing he can do or say to me that will have the power to ruin my day. In fact, to wake up and not to think of this 'situation' at all and to just start living a normal life again would be wonderful. I so hope that day comes before I'm 90!

On the plus side, I get to see all my DC later on. To see them pretty much all grown up,and although I say it myself , thoroughly decent human beings, makes the last 20 plus years worth while. I guess the same goes for us all. Well KOKO all today.xx

izzie I hope e mail does the trick!

izzie

What ho, wwk no petition needed?
But Jess had started a campaign and everyfink,
She will have to concentrate on human rights or some such project instead.....

Or be a lazy caah like me and go back to bed.....

1 have a lovely time with all your DCs. Never mind the occasion, just enjoy their company. You have been living under intolerable strain under the same roof as HRT, but that will soon come to an end, and you really will be able to breathe again and detach from all the mind games and fuckwittery. You have come so far, and in two weeks time, you can actually make some progress. I'm wishing the time away for you, my love, I really am. From my perspective, him not being here is a total bonus, and of course you don't have to engage in pointless stuff if you choose not to. That is what solicitors are for, to take the strain. I can see that my divorce will involve solicitors a lot more than envisaged now. So much for him being reasonable. But then, being on this thread, we all knew that it was kind of inevitable, really. Although I'm pleased to say that our lovely Hobbit managed to achieve what we all want, ie a minimal fuss financial settlement. And very well deserved too.

Awww lovely Jess and lovely Hobbit have surfaced. Good to see both of you xx

"Agadoo doo doo push pineapple shake the tree
Agadoo doo doo push pineapple grind coffee
To the left to the right jump up and down and to the knees
Come and dance every night sing with a hula melody"

Congrats!

Is this the heatwave today?

Tabbitinis are passe ??? No way I'm still on a high and will be celebrating for a long while to come. But don't mind if I have a few piña coladas alongside. No crash yet I know if may come WWK has warned me.

1 your idea of utopia waking up in your own bed and your own house not worrying about the situation well I'm kind of there and you will get there too. I know he's abusive and that won't stop and he somehow has an idea that now its all over he can hoover me back but the weight of the legal worries being lifted is huge and I even feel more settled in my rented home now I know what the future holds. Hope this will give some of you a bit of hope that it does get better in the end.

Go wise [pineapple gin]

The mn mobile app is messing around so I'm not able to properly catch up on the thread but I can see that twunt behaviour is still occurring all around!
Still nc here. Been 2 weeks now. Dd has spoken about him more this week :(
I have found that I cope well in the week but struggle at the weekends, everyone is with their partners and playing happy families :( must keep busy!
It really does take a special sort of person to abandon their toddler and not want to see their baby and someone equally as special to be with that person. Good luck to them both!

wise agadoooo...

Izzie Thank you When HRT talks as if there might be a reconciliation at some stage down the line, when he realises that he's impossible to live with and no one else wants to either, I realise that he just doesn't understand what the last six months have done to me. I could never go through this again - I could never risk it. I want to be in control of my own destiny from now on, whatever that proves to be.

Tabby You've quietly become a real inspiration to me and to other ladies on this thread I'm sure. You so deserve a happy future and it's so good to hear that there is a light at the end if this depressingly dark and long tunnel.

wise You are just wonderful.

Hi hobbit and jess I've headed back to bed too for a bit having walked my gorgeous boy. Dog - not DS2

2little You are doing amazingly well.

So 1'my lovely, he wants a trial separation, to go and "find himself " and then if he finds out he doesn't like it, he wants you to welcome him back into the fold with open arms ?

The man's a selfish, deluded, idiot, and you are a lovely, caring, lady. Notice
I'm pulling my punches here, as its early in the morning, but usually you know I wouldn't hesitate to say what a no, 6 he is.

You will find happiness and peace in your own home , we all will, it's just a shame we have to go through a shit storm to get to that nirvana.

I'm just going to walk my gorgeous boy,
< my son, not my dog, c u laters....>

Just a thought- all that has happened to me/us has made me think about my DD and DSs and whether the boys are capable of behaving like their father and whether my daughter is resilient enough for a life changing, heart breaking split from a partner - or whether the boys are for that matter. Do any of you ever think about this?

hobbit I know, it's so unbelievable. I've told him a hundred times that I won't forgive him for this but he still thinks otherwise. Yes - he has used the words 'find himself ' and he's got to know if this is 'all there is'. He wants to feel 'loved again and truly desired'. At times I've wondered if I'm selfish by denying him this final chance of 'happiness'. I've actually considered letting him do this and staying here keeping everything going and just hoping he'll come back.

Too much reflection going on in 1's world today I think. Must stop.

Enjoy your walk hobbit

toast just reading your posts re bank - my twunt has done similar - account always in credit but has let one joint a/c run at overdraft for last yr incurring ridiculous charges all the time claiming no money to do anything about it - he sees this as my account which it was for house keeping etc but he used to pay money in regularly to clear then just stopped.I spoke to bank about this as wanted to get account frozen and my name removed - they would only do this if both agreed - make sure you speak to them and let them know you are in middle of divorce - this may stop him being able to do anything else.

Runs into bar "I've just ordered my first Christmas Present" Runs out again.

Yes I have wondered that many times then let go of it because by the time they are teenagers it's probably too late to change anything. Also have a think about their characters. Although my DS regularly talks about how similar he is to his dad I can see that his character is more like mine and my DBro and my DBro treats his wife better than anyone I know.

Yep he wants to have you in reserve and to be able to tell everyone that you wanted to split not him poor diddums and his language really sounds like there is an OW shame you can't uncover it.