HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

^was for Izzy

toast you are entitled to receive bank statements too. By law. Practically speaking, as most couples don't need a set each, they sign a disclaimer when opening the account to say actually one set will do. All you need do is contact the bank saying you now want your own set of statements. Don't hint at any marital dispute, though, as they can be funny about that, it sort of puts them on alert. Alternatively, get onto online banking or mobile banking, then you can see the statements online.

I don't know the password for online banking. I'm not wholly worried because I have a years worth showing the usual monthly expenditure, so it would be tricky for him to prove the usual outgoings have changed. I do know going by the last statement I saw that he is spending a lot on clothes/food/cash withdrawals.

Anyway ladies, let's have your comments about this. He knew I used to do MN and follow iwas. So during the text exchange he said this:

Mums net must be such a help. All those reasonable women with no axes to grind

How do I go about getting my name off the account? I'm thinking the best thing I can do is write two months worth of tutor fees and then get my name off as soon as the cheque goes through.

toast see my post 21.16 re your account

So I just go in and ask them? Won't that look suspect at this stage?

I phoned and asked him. He said it was nothing for me to worry about and he just needed to move some money around. I said I was worried because if things aren't being paid I need to know. He was very non committal and the usual talking to me as though I was too stupid to understand.

Ladies, I can tell you that none of them will get away with anything via the court process. Please just gather all the evidence you have and nominal orders are worth their weight in gold. I know not applicable to everybody though. In terms of "chattels". Indeed, those chattels will likely become yours. I know somebody posted upthread about getting rid of ex's rubbish. Give him 7 days to remove, if he doesn't, you can.

Izzie, that is so funny, perish the thought they are stalking you on Mumsnet rolls eyes

Toast, if a joint account you both have to agree. Speak to your bank and explain circumstances and see what their procedure is.

Evening all. Does anyone else just get fed up of holding it all together? A tricky day today for me - big day for H although he's away tonight and DS2 asking questions as to why. Family celebration tomorrow which I understand that H wants but in the circumstances, very tricky to wade through.

Izzie big decisions going on

I would never ever have done to him what he is doing to me and kids and yet I feel I have more justification for leaving him than he could ever think of for leaving me. I'm so pissed off frankly. I don't want him back but now feel I have to pretend that I might in order to ensure financials in place before I can tell him exactly what I think of him. hobbit I think you probably feel the same. Why he feels so entitled - God only knows. I've received a couple of texts today that I'm trying my hardest not to reply to. I want to tell him exactly what I think of him but...... Got to think of future for me and DCs. Tosser tosser tosser.

I hate that he can reduce me to tears when he's not even here.

I know that people go through much worse in their lives than this but even so, it's hard to stomach.

Well I've had my suspicions for a while. Could be OW, it's right up her street. She's shit scared he will come back to me. Well he's tried to get away from her enough times. Personally, she's welcome to the turd. She made him what he now is, so she can live with the consequences. Oh and I must say thanks for financially supporting the cocklodger for seven months, it's taken a lot of strain away from the bank account. And you do know he's cheated before, don't you? I kept that off thread before as I didn't want to look a total sap for taking him back again. But yes, go ask him. Oh no,meh won't tell you, will he? Coz he's a bloody cheat with nowhere to live if not at yours!

Twunt Quote Alert

"I need kisses and cuddles, I need to be greeted nicely when I come through the door, I need to be treated like a real man"...yes, you poor thing, let me tell you what I needed, I needed a husband who supported and comforted me through a breast cancer and uterine cancer scare, not one that was off fucking every available orifice, I needed a husband who supported me when our son was referred due to behavioural difficulties and didn't walk out, I needed a husband who LIFTED A FUCKING FINGER once in a while and didn't spend his entire life THINKING ABOUT HIMSELF

On that note public service announcement...STI checks ladies, HIV and all. Has to be done, horrible but essential.

Finally sat down to 2nd glass of wine go me. Son not sleeping tonight at all. He is currently having a long conversation with himself where he plays two roles. It's clearly his way of dealing with issues. It breaks me.

OW has totally overstepped the mark..that is understating the fact. I will deal with this. The end.

Tomorrow I am going to a horse show in a local village. I said I would say "yes to everything". That mantra has got me into considerable trouble over the past 20 months but has served me well thus far. I don't like horses. Roped in by a friend whose son is showing his little Shetland thingy. Lots of friends and indeed my neighbours going, so should be a fun day. What is clothes wearing etiquette for these things? I was thinking skinny jeans, floaty Monsoon and floppy hat, however, sensible self says Hunters and leggings and a waxed jacket. I am now thinking I should have gone to see my lovely man but two weeks in a row is enough for now...otherwise it becomes a relationship and I don't bloody want one of those things!!

toast go withdraw from cash dispenser and /or just get a balance from the machine.

Worst twunt quote

I do. On his wedding day haha.

Fucking hell, paid the price for that, didn't I?

Izzie No axes to grind Really - is he serious??? I'd rather live every single day of the rest of my life alone than know I was sleeping with someone else's husband and robbing children - be they teenagers or younger children of their father. How these women can live with themselves is a mystery. I feel they flatter themselves too much......they are living with a cheat. Can't they get a man who's free??

1 oh he is serious. Pathetic and naive.

1nogoingback..yes I really do get fed up with keeping it all together. It's so bloody draining and difficult. My day starts at 6.30 am and I am lucky if I have done everything by midnight at a push. I am permanently exhausted. To be fair, it's not much different to when twunt was here as he did absolutely jack shit in terms of anything really. I am sure he is quite happy lounging on the dead husband's sofa and being waited on hand and foot by desperate OW. Each to their own and all that with responsibilities!

That was what I forgot to mention earlier, I discovered that somebody I considered a friend and who has seen me through a large part of this nightmare has actually gone on to have an affair with a married man...she is no longer my friend and I have been very very frank with why. How could you, knowing what I have been through? She defended herself with the old cliches...

His wife is "nuts" and "he had to get away".
They haven't had sex in YEARS (oh fuck off, my husband was still shagging me up until the moment he left).
It's a "loveless marriage"
She's spent "years" screwing him over for money being a SAHM to their children thus giving up career
The marriage died YEARS ago...she's just a hanger on..she's been taken for an absolute mug

Can you actually believe it?? The cheaters handbook is alive and kicking I tell you...these are the stock, standard lies and nonsense that they all say.

At the end of the day they lost control over their genitals. That's it. I just don't get the fact that they all spout the same old shit....it's weird and eerie!!

"Worst twunt quote

I do. On his wedding day haha. " HAHAHAH see the izzie spirit lives!

someone asked about actuaries - I have been told that it costs about 1000 for this and that this cost has to be split. It is a very worthwhile outlay as there are all kind of implications in pensions e..g that women tend to live longer than men ;-)

1nogoingback...oh they don't give a shit, why should they? It's not their problem. My husband's OW said to me "should our relationship mature in the future, I will always do right by you and your children", what she omitted to mention is that she'd been living with my husband for a month at that point and indeed she feels perfectly entitled as her husband died. Hence, she has no issues with this whatsoever, she feels that as she has suffered a tragedy, she can do what the hell she wants and I and my kids are just "in the way" mental fucking lunatic. This is all bollocks of course as husband and her were shagging before her husband's death not allowed to mention that in public

No, I couldn't either...and wouldn't...and I have had a fair few approaches from those who should know better. I can't tell you how many marriages I have saved since...

An ode to my bank account haha

Frozen, I don't think so!

mrsc I think that's the ultimate irony. They think that because they've had some attention from once from someone of the opposite sex, that means they have to take this 'one chance'. What they fail to realise is that most people who are not hermits do meet people that they connect with,if not all the time, then certainly once in a while. The difference is that married people or people who are committed to their partners and families recognise what is happening and try to distance themselves. I believe that there isn't just 'one' person for anyone. There are lots of people who we are compatible with but once we commit as consenting adults and create a family then we do our utmost to protect what we have created unless there are very good reasons not to. Very good reasons are not boredom, someone else fancied me, my wife is sometimes too tired for sex etc etc. The OW are sad and deluded bitches who will lose all their friends as no one will trust them. Our husbands are sloppy and unfaithful 'seconds'.

I'm feeling very chipper tonight, despite the fact that my wardrobe shelves didn't get put up due to communications with Planet Dickhead.

I know how I work, some big decisions I find difficult to make, and it seems I've acted on a whim, whereas the truth is it will always need just a little bit of a push to make me act. Hence the divorce thing tonight. I can't say I'm looking forward to negotiations, but I will only negotiate via email, I made that clear beforehand. However, I'm looking forward to getting shot of him and the nutcase at last.

The weird thing was his earlier emails were all very friendly and conciliatory, and wanting to know how I was. Wtf! It's of academic interest only though, I enjoy my life now, and he's not coming back.

Anyway, I bet he has no intention of providing the info I've asked for. Because when it comes down to it, I'm sure he always thought there was a route back for him. There would have been in the early days, but his actions over the last seven months have been enough to convince me. And of course I've had more time to process the rest of it. And now, for the second time, I'm asking for it all to be formalised. And he's gone off at the deep end. And for all the grief he's caused me and my sons I hope he feels bloody sick at the reality as is coming. I've made it very clear to him there will be no contact after divorce,and that she will be very happy with that. And I know that will hurt him. And he knows a relationship of any sort was never on the cards whilst he was with her. So he's totally blown his family life, his wife who, although nowhere near perfect, has more than served her time over the last few years and proved her love for him, and a shed load of money and a decent lifestyle. All gone. For a manipulative cow who has used her mental instability, her victim playing, her false accusations and even cancer ffs to destroy the one good thing in his life. I hope he cheats on her and leaves her. But I never want to have anything to do with him ever again. He will have a breakdown when he realises what he's done. That could have been me, I endured more than enough. But I'm bloody strong, I've had to be. And now my strength is used in a positive way, to benefit me and my sons, and not just to survive the fuckwittery, the lies, deceit, half truths and revelations coming thick and fast.

Thank you so much to everyone on here who has supported me so far, and who has given a much loved friend in RL a break from supporting me. I haven't needed to call on her support since being on here, instead I can support her. Thank you xx

The OW in my case is paranoid. When he's been round here he has been very keen to tell me that the alert on his phone is just an alarm. Yeah right.

Hello all - as your-not-nominated-don't-know-shit-about-the-law bod (to be fair, I don't know any more than anyone else on this thread as far as I know)...can I take this opportunity to be Moooother:

It's always "all the circumstances of the case" so what 'er next door gets is wildly different from 'er up the road. There can be no substitute for professional legal advice...who will always tell you, get six different judges: get six different outcomes. And some solicitors will promise the world...and deliver the arctic circle.

So Iget your medical condition is a major consideration...v. his earning capacity.

Just like, perhaps, having a child with disabilities or very special needs, by way of example means the theoretically impossible can be achieved.

Just like a claim for a nominal order is more likely to succeed when there are young children involved (and insufficient assets to spare right now).

But there aren't any cold hard facts. Also, the law society is well aware that what court you chose means your outcome is vastly different (London is considered more generous...women judges meaner to women...divorced judges meaner still). It's all just stereotype...but all the same, it's a bit of a 'pot luck game' - which is frightening, as this is our real lifes, with real consequences.

But the onus is on you to mediate - and I'm still very much in the camp, there are some who have the ability to mediate (on both sides) and some whose marriages were so lopsided, that it is an impossible task. If you were bullied/abused in your marriage, I don't think mediation is ever going to help.

I say this as someone who watched STBXH scream, rage, shout and slam his fist against his leg in the witness box. If he couldn't behave himself there - the question is where could he?

I am glad I was excused mediation, it shortened the trauma. Wish I got divorced by MrsC's judge though .

I agree, WWK, once most of them have seen a solicitor they will soon get the idea that fair and equitable, to quote a Lycra twunt, means fair and equitable to both parties. The hopeless cases will have to learn the hard way, unfortunately pissing away a lot of cash in legal fees in the process.

I'm going to bed now. If that fucker freezes the bank accounts I will get my sons to take legal action to have unfrozen their very considerable deposits in the group of accounts. And I will inform his employers of this fact. Relations with his employers and his sons will plummet. I have thought about threatening this tonight, but quite frankly the little twat needs to go calm down. And anyway, I will not engage in his nonsense. Off to bed now before I start stewing. Who knows, maybe I will wake up and find he's died of a heart attack in the middle of the night. I still live in hope