Being married to a 12 year old.....

[Pinkpeter]

Regular but name changed.

This is my second marriage. First was short and I'll advised, no kids. His second marriage too. He has three kids from previous marriage and a relationship before marriage. We have two kids together, 8 and 5.
I am generally quite unhappy. I am very conscious that I don't want another failed marriage but conscious that we have done marriage guidance twice but we still keep on having issues.

His good points: he works hard at work, does overtime, very involved with his other kids and fought for all the contact he has, which is standard now, every other weekend and half the hols. Lots of issues there, but they would be deal able with if we got on better. Lots of the issues there were probably caused by our very argumentative marriage and how he treats me in front of the kids.
He takes the kids out, parks etc, he pays all the bills, apart from food and clothes, shoes, birthdays etc, I pay all those. He moans I don't pay enough but I earn less than a quarter than him.
He used to be funny, kind, loving and pull his weight and be clean.
Bad points: he often shouts at the kids in a very aggressive manner. He can't cope when they are running around just being kids, he has a hobby that dominates a lot of his time and keeps him glued to the PC. He is often unkind, shouty, and makes jokes at my expense . If I do this back, he can't deal with it but thinks as long as he finds something it is ok to hurt my feelings or take the piss out of me.
He has put on a lot of weight and often smells, so much the living room stinks. If I say nicely, please can you have a bath, he makes such a fuss and is offended. He belches constantly, big loud belching, I mean, several every minute. I have asked him to stop but he just ignores me. His default reply to anything I say or ask is in a nasty tone or sarcastic. He speaks to me like dirt a lot of the time, even first thing in the morning when I can't have done anything to upset him. If I do upset him, he can sulk for days and won't speak. Then when he is ready, he can't discuss anything and I am expected to just get on and forget about it and never discuss anything. A big bad point...he never accepts he has done anything wrong. He always has a reason, an excuse, but he never accepts responsibility for anything. The house often has a bad atmosphere when he is around. He shouts at the kids, is unnecessarily mean to them, will not implement any discipline techniques, just shouting. They are not bad kids at all, quite well behaved but naughty sometimes, like all kids.
This morning I couldn't understand why the milk had been decanted into a glass in the fridge. I am never allowed to sleep past 8am or he will come into my bedroom, (we sleep apart as he snores and twitches terribly, plus sometimes he smells) . I ask him why and he said I didn't need to know. Very hypocritical as I have to answer any question he asks me. I then find out he took the bottle to the bedroom so he could wee in at night! And when I ask why, he says so he doesn't wake up our son !!!
I am utterly disgusted with this. He goes to the loo often in the night and I have said he should go to the doctors but he refuses. I just can't believe how disgusting this is and how he thinks it is acceptable behaviour. I already have to deal with his 12 year old sense of humour, typical tits, arse, fanny jokes.
I don't know what to do or what I want to happen. As he never takes responsibility , he never admits anything is his fault. I don't want to break up our family , I want him to just grow up and act like a man. I don't want to be married to a 12 year old, as I tell him frequently. I want adult conversation, he seems incapable of it at home, but can at work. He just gets home, and turns into a 12 year old. He has a responsible job, think accountant etc.

any suggestions cos I don't want to break up our family.

[ChopinLiszt]

Hrtft but my jaw dropped reading your OP!!!! Just unbelievable, vulgar and disgusting.

I would honestly LTB - all respect has eroded. Either that or write down an exhaustive list of all the things you mention here and tell him that it needs to be sorted. If it's not, you'll leave him.

[AnyFucker]

so, you are following the example your mother gave you

even now, she is implying that women have to stay and wait for improvements that will never come

will you be telling your own daughters or DIL's the same thing too ?

[DistanceCall]

You're fucking your children up. YOU are fucking your children up by allowing them to continue to be exposed to this... this piece of shit on a daily basis.

You can do whatever you like with your life. But doing this to your children because you "don't want another failed marriage"? COME ON.

[DistanceCall]

Oh, and all the women hurt or killed by her husband thought at some point "I KNOW that he wouldn't ever hurt me".

[Becauseicannes]

Forgive me for asking but when last were you intimate with him? If you are cringing at the thought of it that really tells you all you need to know.

[nicenewdusters]

Why should you "ride it out" just because your mother did ? Do you know what she had to ride out with your dad ? Even if it was 10 times worse or barely anything, by your standards, that doesn't matter. It was her life, her decision, this is your life.

In my opinion "riding out" is getting through something like a redundancy, an illness etc. You are talking about your husband's behaviour that he has total control over. How can you ride that out if he sees no need to change, and won't listen to you because you're a nag, don't know your own mind, etc etc. How long are you prepared to tolerate this "tough time" ?

If you didn't have to tell your mum and dad that you were leaving him would it make it easier for you ? Are you scared that they will judge you and think you have failed ? My guess is that they know virtually nothing of how he treats you and the kids. If you told them and they said you should still stay then that would be disgraceful on their part. If they said why on earth are you still there, then they will understand. I sometimes think people who've sacrificed their happiness to stay married and looking acceptable, are resentful when they see others deciding to leave and rebuild their lives.

[Pinkpeter]

I don't want to think that I am allowing my children to be damaged by this. It's hard to see what it is doing to them. Maybe it's nothing as I try and minimise things and it isn't all the time. It is just sometimes.
Writing things down in a book is a good idea. I feel so defeated by it all. I sound bolshy when speaking to him. Any conversation is me talking, and then me having to prompt him for an answer, then me talking and if I wait for his reply there will often just be silence.
I daren't even mention now that he lies to me or doesn't tell me stuff that I then find out later that he hasn't told me. Often just silly stuff that I think why didn't you just tell me that? He will lie so he doesn't get caught out with stuff that he doesn't want to discuss or justify. I don't know, it all sounds worse and worse. But I did make marriage vows...
Am I overeacting about the wee in the milk bottle? Maybe he really didn't want to wake up our son as he does wake early if he hears someone up...

[SeasideSunshine]

How will it get better? He has absolutely zero reason to change - you've shown him that simply by staying and allowing him to treat you that way. And I say this from the viewpoint of someone who actually did separate from an ex who did many of the things you have mentioned. Very very similar. The expectation of praise and gushing for doing something any normal bloody person would do without even thinking was off the charts. And he had to make sure to point out each and every little thing he did (there weren't that many, so I suppose he felt he needed to "big them up" as much as possible). We won't go into the constant burping and farting that was just vile (and embarrassing). And the shouting at me and the dcs sent me over the edge. Then he moved into physical abuse of the dcs and that was the absolute line he stepped over, and that was it.

Even after separation, he couldn't be bothered to make changes - far too much like admitting he might be wrong. Instead, he's just limped from shit relationship to shit relationship and still blames me for it all. He barely sees the dcs ever. He's not even seen them since November - he can't be bothered. He doesn't like that any contact is supervised, and there's no way he's seeing them unsupervised with his history of verbal and physical abuse.

You are fighting a losing battle here IMO and it will only drag you and the dcs down. Consider making a change that is the best for you and the dcs. Separate. If at that point he realises what he is losing and shows a long term commitment to making changes - and this needs to be HIM making these changes, not you - then you can always think about working through it. Personally, with the level of abuse you've mentioned, I think you're better off (and safer) without him. But ultimately it's your decision, obviously, not mine.

[AnyFucker]

You are under reacting, love

[Mellifera]

I would never have gone back after he put his hands round my neck. You fled then. That was your gut instinct telling you what to do.

You went to your mum, who put up and shut up all her life.

Had you gone to Women's Aid or a friend, you would not have gone back.

He won't change because he doesn't want to talk about it. He never will.

I grew up in a household like yours. I have no relationship with my mother because she put up and shut up, I just cannot forget how she watched him being awful to all three dc. It has damaged us.

You want a miracle, but only you can change this situation. Please do it, before it gets worse - and I think it will get worse.

[RubbishMantra]

"He obviously doesn't take anything I say or think on board because he thinks he knows better. He often tells me what I think about something"

So really, there's no point having a discussion with him? You say yourself he doesn't hear you.

And if he makes your skin crawl - is there any coming back from that? (been there, and I'd say there isn't)

Marriage should enrich your life, not be something to be endured.

Please love, surely you must see you and DCs deserve more?

[newstart15]

How old are you both? I think you have lots of justifiable reasons to leave.

Are you waiting for your parents to tell you it's okay to leave him? They are not you and you have the right to be happy.Do you feel as if you will be judged for making a mistake?

[twistletonsmythe]

every response you have had on this thread is telling you to get rid - why do you think that is? Do you think when you are old you will regret not leaving him sooner? I know if you leave - you will never ever regret it.

[DrElizabethPlimpton]

OP. You have one very precious life to live. Please don't waste it in the vain hope this creature will change. He won't. He is a bad husband and father - any man who belittles and threatens his partner and the mother of his children is beneath contempt.
I have ended two marriages for very good reason. I wasn't ashamed, I was proud to walk away with my head held high.

[petalsandstars]

How long will it be before your DS reaches teenage years when he has to be reminded to shower/deodorant or hormone changes mean he's talking back etc to you? He will then pretty much exactly be like his dad. And you will have no support to help guide him through to be a nice young adult - because what is wrong with dad? You are still there letting him set the example.

The only way to change him is to leave - if he wants you back he might change. But imo he's not worth it. Abusive red flags everywhere.

[Pinkpeter]

I am crying....cos I don't know what to do...I just want him to love me and then I could start to love him back....but i know I can't make him.
He isn't always horrible, but he is always difficult to live with. I dont know how much he can help and how much is a negative cycle of nastiness that we have dragged ourselves into.
He has taken the kids out now and wanted me to come and have a nice time, I said I didn't want to....

[captainproton]

Pinkpeter, I don't know if you have a daughter, but if you do, would you want to see her ride out a marriage to a husband like yours? You have been taught to think staying for the sake of the kids is normal. Your children will look at your marriage as the role model where husbands can be lazy, abusive slobs and the thoughts and feelings of wives are irrelevant as they are second class slaves.

[AnyFucker]

[AlternativeTentacles]

Meanwhile, you are wasting your prime years with this piece of shit. Being with someone in a bad relationship means you aren't open to finding a nice man who can respect you.

This isn't going to end well, is it?

he is always difficult to live with

So - don't live with him then!

What are your housing options? Is the house owned, mortgaged, rented?

[Namechanger2015]

Please don't cry.

This must be be terrible for you, please try to reach out to someone in RL who could listen to you and support you.

Whilst he is out could you call Women's Aid for a quick chat? They are on: 0808 2000 247

No decisions, just let them know what has been going on and maybe talk things through with them a little.

If you are able to, perhaps take a read of 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. This might help you to understand your sorrow a little bit more.

Good luck, you can do this.

[snowydrops]

I've only read part of the thread and advice given to you but just wanted to say how sorry I feel for you. He sounds horrible to be honest but from what you're saying it also sounds as if he finds talking about things very hard and precedes showing thought through action.

Have you thought of writing him a letter and explaining (kindly) what you like and dislike? Focus on his (few) good points but stress that the other aspects make it impossible for you to stay and live this life. Tell him that you don't expect a response anymore but you wanted to at least allow him the chance to change / respond. If he loves you and his kids he may make an effort although it sounds pretty dire.

[Namechanger2015]

This might help you to see if your relationship is abusive - I am very sorry OP, I hope you are ok.

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

[captainproton]

You have to come to terms with the fact no matter how much you want him to change, he won't. If he truly loved and respected you he would've changed. He probably views all women like this, and he probably doesn't view you as an equal. But you have to let go of the wishing And mourn for the happy ending he won't give you or your family. Until then you'll be stuck reliving the same hope and despair. I have driven myself crazy until I hit rock bottom and felt like I couldn't go on, simply by wanting someone who we are told should love you to the moon and back to change their ways to make our lives bearable. I hope you get through ok, and if you do leave I'm sure many here will support you.

[snowydrops]

Prefers not precedes! I just think that the fact that you say he always wants you to come out with him / the kids and have fun shows that somewhere In there he does care and does perhaps like you more than he is given credit for. He obviously sounds horrid relive with for now but perhaps you can get him to make some changes which would make it a happier house. Like you said you used to love him and it does seem very sad just to give up without at least being able to get the message through to him of why you feel you need to.

[AllThatGlistens]

Oh pink

I understand how terribly difficult all this must be for you to read, and of course the last thing any parent on earth would want to acknowledge is that their children are being harmed in some way.

But, gently, and with respect, deep down I think you know that they are, or you wouldn't have posted.

Minimisation is normal, and extremely common. You have feelings for this man and it must feel so hard to try and look at all of this with any sense of detachment, but the posters here can, and all are saying the same thing, that this is an abusive situation for both you and your children.

I truly hope that you can begin to understand that, and however difficult it is, begin to make steps to protect yourself and your children from his influence over you all.

"It's only sometimes" is never an excuse or justification.