Being married to a 12 year old.....

[Pinkpeter]

Regular but name changed.

This is my second marriage. First was short and I'll advised, no kids. His second marriage too. He has three kids from previous marriage and a relationship before marriage. We have two kids together, 8 and 5.
I am generally quite unhappy. I am very conscious that I don't want another failed marriage but conscious that we have done marriage guidance twice but we still keep on having issues.

His good points: he works hard at work, does overtime, very involved with his other kids and fought for all the contact he has, which is standard now, every other weekend and half the hols. Lots of issues there, but they would be deal able with if we got on better. Lots of the issues there were probably caused by our very argumentative marriage and how he treats me in front of the kids.
He takes the kids out, parks etc, he pays all the bills, apart from food and clothes, shoes, birthdays etc, I pay all those. He moans I don't pay enough but I earn less than a quarter than him.
He used to be funny, kind, loving and pull his weight and be clean.
Bad points: he often shouts at the kids in a very aggressive manner. He can't cope when they are running around just being kids, he has a hobby that dominates a lot of his time and keeps him glued to the PC. He is often unkind, shouty, and makes jokes at my expense . If I do this back, he can't deal with it but thinks as long as he finds something it is ok to hurt my feelings or take the piss out of me.
He has put on a lot of weight and often smells, so much the living room stinks. If I say nicely, please can you have a bath, he makes such a fuss and is offended. He belches constantly, big loud belching, I mean, several every minute. I have asked him to stop but he just ignores me. His default reply to anything I say or ask is in a nasty tone or sarcastic. He speaks to me like dirt a lot of the time, even first thing in the morning when I can't have done anything to upset him. If I do upset him, he can sulk for days and won't speak. Then when he is ready, he can't discuss anything and I am expected to just get on and forget about it and never discuss anything. A big bad point...he never accepts he has done anything wrong. He always has a reason, an excuse, but he never accepts responsibility for anything. The house often has a bad atmosphere when he is around. He shouts at the kids, is unnecessarily mean to them, will not implement any discipline techniques, just shouting. They are not bad kids at all, quite well behaved but naughty sometimes, like all kids.
This morning I couldn't understand why the milk had been decanted into a glass in the fridge. I am never allowed to sleep past 8am or he will come into my bedroom, (we sleep apart as he snores and twitches terribly, plus sometimes he smells) . I ask him why and he said I didn't need to know. Very hypocritical as I have to answer any question he asks me. I then find out he took the bottle to the bedroom so he could wee in at night! And when I ask why, he says so he doesn't wake up our son !!!
I am utterly disgusted with this. He goes to the loo often in the night and I have said he should go to the doctors but he refuses. I just can't believe how disgusting this is and how he thinks it is acceptable behaviour. I already have to deal with his 12 year old sense of humour, typical tits, arse, fanny jokes.
I don't know what to do or what I want to happen. As he never takes responsibility , he never admits anything is his fault. I don't want to break up our family , I want him to just grow up and act like a man. I don't want to be married to a 12 year old, as I tell him frequently. I want adult conversation, he seems incapable of it at home, but can at work. He just gets home, and turns into a 12 year old. He has a responsible job, think accountant etc.

any suggestions cos I don't want to break up our family.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

You're still looking for the magic words to turn him into a decent adult and partner. They don't exist. You need to accept that he is who he is and deal with it.

[something2say]

Hi Pinkpeter,

Been keeping an eye out for you. xx I agree with what the others are saying, that the why's are irrelevant. The poster back a page had it completely correct - he thinks things are your responsibility and if you won't do them, then you are at fault.

I have found that I have grieved relationships while in them. I say and say things to a man and he doesn't listen and then one day, poof, that's it, its over. I think your husband is sailing close to that line now.

But for us, when we do think 'that's it', its at that point (for me) that I stop asking why. And the weight lifted!!!

In this process, I learned that the man's problems are exactly that - his problem.

There are sinister undertones to all of this. You stroke me as a normal, decent woman who is caught in a trap. The posters talking about the effect on your kids are right - they are learning how to set the trap, how to be mean, how to make Mummy bad, how to please knobheads out of fear.

I also think that your decision to marry so quickly is probably at the root of your thinking. Its a sad fact that so many women are sold the lie that a man will come along and save us one day and that all we have to do is get married and we'll be alright. It isn't the case, as you are seeing. You still have all of the problems, only with the added weight of a twat round your neck. It won't be a bad thing to leave him - it will be a practical thing.

But the difference in day to day living will be immense. And the peace of mind in your head will be worth it too.

XX thinking of you XX

[saythatagain]

You're not dealing with a like minded human being Pink
From what you've written, he seems intent on goading you, picking on you, digging at you.
This latest incident regarding the dishwasher? Truly? Reading it, it's utterly pathetic. It's not even about the instructions, just another opportunity to do you down and make you feel as if you're in the wrong.
He's destroying you. I think a lot of us can see this, but you've yet to arrive at this most definite conclusion.
He's gradually eroding your sense of what is right/wrong, acceptable/unacceptable. To us reading your responses, it's crystal clear.
I suspect you know this, but like I said earlier, you've yet to acknowledge it and move in the right direction to rid yourself and your children of this pathetic excuse of a husband/father.
I've just realised that I'm gritting my teeth because I'm so angry for you.

[Jux]

He does this because it amuses him to do so and gives him another excuse to be mean to you and accuse you of whatever.

The way you deal with it is make plans to leave or to kick him out. Ring Women's Aid, tell them all about him and ask for help to make an exit plan.

Your children are growing up imbibing his behaviour. For them it is normal. As adults, they will meet someone like this and it will feel familiar to them and they will think of that person as safe, and wind up just where you are now.

Stop it now. End this misery. Find a shit hot lawyer (WA can probably point you in the right direction).

[BrynjalPickleDog]

I read the OP and page one and realised there are ten pages so skipped to 10 thinking, 'Please let this poor woman have LTB' by page ten...but...no.
Please leave this awful man OP. You say he works hard. He probably does because he cares what others, such as his workmates think of him. He does not give a tinkers cuss what you think of him though does he? Or the DCs! Like PP's I am at this post. This is no way to live your life.