Adults dating teens

[loupylou2u]

What are your thoughts?

My daughter has just turned 16, she's dating a 35 year old man.

To be honest, knowing that the police cant do anything if she runs away, I'll say whatever it takes to calm things for now simply to ensure she doesn't run off and I don't end up not knowing where she is.

Is that the wrong thing to do? I don't know. I take your point that it may well be, but I literally did not know what else to do.

This isn't the end of it by a long way. I can't say too much more at the moment but will definitely update when I can.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond, it's much appreciated.

Hey, it's easy for me to comment from behind a screen.

The thought of her running off must be terrifying and the police have been useless.

Sorry if I was being harsh.

This is all wrong. Every bit of it.

I'm so sorry op. You must be worried sick.

I'd keep on at the police iiwy - make a nuisance of yourself. I can't believe they told you to talk to both of them!

Make this scumbag's life hell. somehow!

Op I am so very sorry that things have turned out this way, I remember your previous thread.

I would be naming and shaming this pervert very loudly indeed.

Rather than you talking with him and your dd as the police so unhelpfully suggested can you get your parents to talk warn him off to them?

So wrong on many levels BUT I know what i was like at 16 and the more my parents objected to something the more likely I was to do it, even if I knew it was wrong.
I know this is a far out suggestion but why not say ok I'm not happy about the situation but your 16 and apparently an adult so make your own decision but I'm watching this situation?
Sorry if I upset folk with this suggestion but you might just be pushing her into his arms even more at the moment as she will see you as the bad one keeping her away from her 'love'
Make sure she is on the pill, you know her every movement and that your there for her whenever she needs you.
He's a creep.

CHRIST this is the sort of thing I would get my baseball bat out over.

hell and no spring to mind. I'm 25. the thought of Me being with someone at 16 disgusts me. not because of the age gap but because at that age they are still not emotionally mature for someone at my age and they are also still a child, so for a guy in his 30's.....??? worrying.
I'm really one for allowing teens do discover the world for themselves with just guidance from parents. allow them to find their own way make their own mistakes and feel like they have the power to make their own decisions about their life. Having said that if I was you, even I would have my DD under lock and key with regular checks on their phones to ensure there were no indecent images etc being sent. (I wouldn't take any chances). You need to protect your daughter. Nothing good can come out of this at her age. if it was the same age gap but she was in her 20s then fine as she would be mature enough to comprehend an adult relationship.

Mistress please don't apologise.

The police are still involved - I can't give too much away, I'm sorry.

I've told his dd's mum. I'd want to know if my child's father was doing this, and he's introduced them, so I thought she needed to know. She doesn't seem too fussed, but then she's not going to tell me if she is I guess.

My mum has spoken to dd. My dad died 9 years ago but he would have gone mad if he were here.

I've spoken to my cousin who dd is close with and she'll have a word with her when she can.

I just have no idea where I've gone so wrong or how I fucked up so badly with her. I'm literally riddled with guilt and keep going over and over everything in my head.

I'd be going spare.

He should have said no when your DD asked him out FFS.

I think that the big problem with this isn't the age gap in the abstract, it's your daughter's age full stop. If she was 30 and dating a man who was 60, it might not be your ideal selection for her but you know that she's an adult making a reasoned choice.

I realise that many 16 year olds are having sex but not all of them. A relationship like this deprives her of the opportunity to grow into her sexuality with a partner who is also at the same stage in life. A 16 or 17 year old boy maybe happy to wait for months before having sex; a 35 year old man is unlikely to.

Plus it is a bit creepy that he would be interested in her - it's very likely it is just sexually driven (With a bit of immature ego boost slap on the back down the pub "my gf's 16"); it's very unlikely that they have the sort of intellectual connection that sustains a relationship long term.

I doubt you've fuc.ked up with her at all. Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Teenagers are wilful at the best of times; teenagers who think they're in love are irrational and wilful. It's a tough thing for anyone to deal with.

But hold strong to your conviction that you should keep her away from this man because you are 100% right.

That's exactly my point.

She's 16. She may well have had a crush on him. Being the "adult" he should have stopped this before it started. It would have been the right, the normal thing to do.

His excuse was that he didn't want to upset her on her birthday by saying no. In fact, the day she asked him was the day before her birthday.

How awful. I would make a lot of trouble for him with his job , or in any way I could. Where's her dad in this ?

You have not fucked up with her.

He is the one to blame here.

Please don't blame yourself, me lovely. Just keep doing everything you can to keep him away from her.

Oh God. I started 'seeing' a 32 yr old when I was 17 for about 18 months. I thought I was so mature! If it helps at all, tell her that- to this very day- I look back on it as possibly the worst decision I ever made in my LIFE. Thinking about it now makes my skin crawl with revulsion because, now I'm that age myself, I can see just how wrong it was. I feel physically sick whenever I think about it. We met on an internet chat room and I know for a fact that he was 'grooming' (early days of the internet, so it wasn't called that at the time although the behaviour would be a huge red flag these days!) even younger girls and regularly talked to a 14 year old girl on the phone. I don't know if they ever hooked up, but their conversations were definitely 'flirty'. It had a negative impact on me for a good few years and it took me a loooong time to trust men and have a healthy relationship again. Best thing I ever did was call it a day. Urgh. Skin is crawling even just writing this, but if it helps someone else avoid the same mistake...

Oh crumbs.
Sorry if I sounded flippant in my post; I didn't know about your pp's.

You are doing the right thing by involving the police. This man is a predetor. The texts to you prove this absolutely IMO.

She'll think you're the devil incarnate for a time, but this is absolutely the thing to do. Put your foot down. Scream and yell and stand up for her.

This vile man has to be stopped.

WTF?! As the mother of a 16 year old daughter, if she ever told me she was dating a 35 year old, his bollocks would have been in his mouth by now...removed with a sharp knife. Are you serious? I would also be in touch with the police...she may be "legal" but she's not an adult and at 35 he should bloody well know better.

I know this sounds wrong but I would involve everyone in my direct family to drive him away. I'm talking every dad, grandad, cousin, uncle, male friend, to meet with him en masse and tell him why he should stay away.

Ask yourself this: do you want your 16 year old daughter having sex with a 35 year old man? That's where this will lead.

A 35 year old man who pursues a 16 year old girl is a creep. It is one thing to acknowledge that a teenager can be charming, fun, and attractive, but it is quite another thing to date a teenager.

Oh, sorry, just read through the entire thread. Good luck OP, I know you are doing your best in a difficult situation.

I know this sounds wrong but I would involve everyone in my direct family to drive him away. I'm talking every dad, grandad, cousin, uncle, male friend, to meet with him en masse and tell him why he should stay away.

I'm afraid I would do the same - or be tempted to. I would also call his workplace and tell them he is trying to forge a sexual relationship with a young teenager. I would call any clubs or organizations he is involved in and do the same. If he had any neighbours with children I would do the same to them. If your dd can't listen to reason then I would make the relationship so difficult for him that he will move on (probably to some other prey :( )

Also please don't ask yourself where you went wrong Loopy. This is rearing teenagers. I have dealt with crap from my teens that i would never ever for a moment have predicted from them and the way we reared them. Rearing teens is not for the faint-hearted and honestly if you have an easy, rational, focused one is it mostly luck imo.

You should flip immediately. She needs to be really clear how you see it. He is vile.

Unless he is in a position of authority then calling his job, clubs or whatever won't help surely? What he's doing is most def morally wrong but it's not wrong in the eyes of the law.

This is so frustrating. Months ago posters told you his behaviour was predatory and that he was grooming you and her. You were advised then to stop the contact, no matter how convenient and helpful it was to you. You were advised then to contact the police and the organisation he was in a position of trust with.

The police had a word with him and he backed right off. That tells me right there that he knows he's in the wrong.

I'm not sure in your position I would have had that 'please make the right choice' discussion. I would in all likelihood made his advances on my daughter as public knowledge as possible, especially at the club they attend together.

Often ime guys who go for girls of that age are seeking them out precisely because they are young and lack the experience and confidence of girls their own age, thus its easy to manipulate them into thinking a relationship is one that basically just serves their sexual needs. I went out with a 27 yr old when I was 14, I wouldn't say he was a peado per say but he was dodgy and a user, and girls his own age could probably see that a mile off, but I was just flattered by the attention. Grim.