Adults dating teens

[loupylou2u]

What are your thoughts?

My daughter has just turned 16, she's dating a 35 year old man.

[MistressMerryWeather]

I remember that Laurie.

Loupy you have to step in here, this is very wrong.

[noblegiraffe]

How has she got time to be dating a 35 year old when she is sitting her GCSEs?

I'm a 37 year old teacher and the thought of dating one of my Y11s is just grim. They have paper rounds and homework and a completely different set of cultural references. Any relationship would be hideously unequal.

If, as a teacher, I heard that a Y11 student was dating a 35 year old I'd report it as a child protection issue.

[loupylou2u]

I am not condoning this at all. I am absolutely disgusted.

I have nothing against age gap relationships but find the idea of a 16 year old girl - who turned 16 just under 2 weeks ago - seeing a man who is 35, practically 36, and the same age as her father, morally corrupt.

I found out Tuesday just gone. I didn't want to immediately flip and potentially push her to him but I made it clear I was extremely concerned for her and appalled with him.

He met her when she was 15 and a half. They met doing an activity they both enjoy and she became friends with him and a group of people there. I met him and he seemed ok. He was well liked and seemed well respected by people younger and older than him.

It progressed to him giving her lifts home and helping her with GCSE coursework. The help with coursework was only ever done at my home with me present.

He took my number and started messaging me. He was a little flirty but not overly so. He led me to believe he was interested in me and thinking back, I think that was to divert from the fact that it was my 15 year old he was interested in.

The guilt and shame that I feel is immense. I failed my daughter. I will never, ever forgive myself for this.

On Thursday evening I called the police. My dd walked in, realised who I was talking to and went beserk, tried to get past me and out the front door. I had to try and stop her, she was pushing, shoving and elbowing me. The police sent two officers straight away. The gist of it all was that as she's 16 there's nothing they can do.

[loupylou2u]

Yes, I have posted about this before

[Justusemyname]

When I was 19 I lived with, and was engaged to, a 35 year old. It worked for a while.

I really would not be happy if my DD did the same. I'd be very surprised given her personality.

[MistressMerryWeather]

You have not failed her, by calling the police and facing this head on you have done the right thing.

Did you explain to the police where the met and the fact that she was 15 when this all started?

[CarbeDiem]

Please stop it OP.
I was 15 and got with someone 25 and he ruined my life, he took advantage of my dysfunctional family life, controlled me constantly, he beat me and it took me a long time to mature enough, see through him and get free from him.
Do everything within your power to get her away from him. Please.

[loupylou2u]

I have told them everything I possibly can. I'm very glad I started the thread that I did back in March. It's still here and I think it will be useful.

[tallwivglasses]

I'm trying to remember your last thread OP. I'm sure this twat is in some kind of superior position at the club? The committee/council/funders will not take kindly to this behaviour. I'd out the fucker.

[MistressMerryWeather]

Yes to reporting him to the activity.

You need to keep explaining to your daughter that he is taking advantage of her, even if she feels something for him it's still not right.

She won't want to hear it and will fight you tooth and nail but you need to keep reinforcing that what he has done is very wrong.

Isn't he married?

[Figster]

Absolutely no way would I be happy with this!!

You seem to know him can you speak to him about his wrong this is?

[Justusemyname]

And when you posted about it you were told what was probably going on.

Your daughter needs to grow up. I'm afraid I'd do anything I could to keep her away from this man and I'd be telling her about the sleazy texts you got from him.

[Justusemyname]

Actually, if he's in a position of trust, it is an issue.

[loupylou2u]

She has been very very angry. I've tried to make it clear to her that I don't blame her for this and that everything I'm doing now I'm doing only for her.

She has said she hates me, she wants to die, she doesn't see me as her mother anymore and what kind of mother am I if I stop her from being happy.

I know it's anger but it still hurts.

Apparently she asked him out the day before her birthday. He was surprised but didn't want to upset her by saying no. He took her on a "date" on bank holiday Monday afternoon when she told me she was at her friends house.

When she told me this I messaged him to find out if this was true. He said it was and sent me lots and lots of messages about how he cares for her, will treat her well etc. every message is saved.

[Vivacia]

Is the man who was helping her with her homework and giving her lifts?

[Bahh]

I ran away with a 23 year old when I was 15. Stayed for 5 years. Absolutely destroyed me. With the benefit of hindsight I now realise there is a reason women his own age didn't (and still don't) want him, and why he was so interested in what I now realise was a very vulnerable child. Easy to manipulate and control. Every 16 year old has a degree of angst, he is making her feel 'understood' and treating her like the grown up she feels herself to be but is not quite yet. It may not be intentional on his part, he may believe he has genuine feelings but it is fucking creepy and someone needs to have a serious chat with him becaus she is not in the mindset to have a calm chat about it with you. Emotions are strong at that age and it all feels devestatingly important and tummy flippy. She can't be expected to look ahead to the long term effects, she's too young to realise how much it could damage. He should.

[loupylou2u]

No I haven't but I will. There's nothing particularly sleazy but lots of subtle innuendos

[Fairylea]

I would say given her age when all this started and the age gap that he was abusing his position of power and was in fact grooming her. He also seems very manipulative to be texting you and leading you to believe he was interested in you to get to her. He sounds scary actually. :(

What an awful situation.

[Cancookdontcook]

He was grooming her all along. I remember posters saying exactly that. He should have been stopped in his tracks when she was underage.

[MistressMerryWeather]

She will probably be angry for a while and it's going to be tough, but she will look back on his when she is old enough to understand and be thankful her mum protected her from such a scumbag.

[MistressMerryWeather]

she will look back on this

[Singleandproud]

Loupylou you need to inform whoever is incharge of this activity. When I was in Cadets everyone who was over 18 had to do Duty of Care training regardless of whether they were just an older Cadet or a member of staff. Any romantic relationships between anyone over 18 and under were frowned upon (some leeway for the older cadets being with each other) and those who were staff members 20 years + were not allowed to have a relationship with anyone who wasn't over 18 in the same way a teacher at school/ sixth form would not be allowed to have one with a student.

There really isn't much you can do but perhaps if they can no longer see each other at the activity then this will go someone of getting the relationship to fizzle out. Your DD won't like you for a while but she will come around.