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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Adults dating teens

177 replies

loupylou2u · 30/05/2015 20:29

What are your thoughts?

My daughter has just turned 16, she's dating a 35 year old man.

OP posts:

YesThisIsMe · 31/05/2015 08:26

On the upside at least the police have (after a shaky start) taken this seriously. That's reassuring to know, and I assume that this episode will now come up on an enhanced DBS check, which will impede his ability to do it again somewhat.

Very best of luck OP. I hope eventually your DD will understand.

DoristheCamel · 31/05/2015 08:39

So the club or hobby place where he met your daughter, do they know he is going out with your daughter? Do they still see him as respectable?

I would be doing all I could to separate them. Wtf does a 35yo want with a 16yo?

Bullshitbingo · 31/05/2015 08:54

I went out with a 21 yr old briefly when I was 15. Only took 2 or 3 dates to work out he was a bit of a saddo who dated young girls because he couldn't get a girlfriend his own age. Creeps me out thinking about it now, but as a teenage girl it happened a lot with me and my friends shows you how many weird men there are out there

I'm in my thirties now, and the thought of going out with a 16 yr old child is just bizarre??! I second the idea of approaching his friends, colleagues, neighbours etc and politely letting them know he groomed your child and is now trying to have a relationship with her. Any normal person will be fucking horrified, and anyone who isn't shocked is obviously an idiot or a paedo apologist.

for you, I really hope it works out for your dd.

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2015 10:02

I also went out with a guywho was 21 when i was 15 it didnt last long he was a creep i was foolishly flattered but in reality he probably couldnt get a girlfried his age and he was always all over me was like wrestling an octopus urgh .

Happyringo · 31/05/2015 11:33

To the posters telling the OP she should've stopped this, or to get the whole family to help stop it - just how does she stop it? On a practical level? She's involved the police, has told everyone relevant, what else can she do?

A similar situation happened in the family of someone very close to me. The girl involved was 14, and out of the blue she ran away to live with the person who had groomed her from a position of authority. This person had ingratiated themselves with the girl's mother, the DDs had become friends etc. Social Services were called and decided there was no risk to the girl and she was allowed to stay living with the groomer as she simply refused to go back home. The groomer was female, which I have no doubt influenced SS decision. She resigned her position of authority after the parents complained. SS advice was don't go round there all guns blazing, play it softly softly, and eventually she will come home.

Lots of people say to the parents oh god if that was my DD I'd have stopped it or id have not let her go etc, but what else can people do? If the parents act outside of the law it will be them who pays the price.

Vivacia · 31/05/2015 12:10

To the posters telling the OP she should've stopped this, or to get the whole family to help stop it - just how does she stop it?

People advised her to stop the private GCSE tuition arrangement. People advised her to stop him giving her lifts, even though it meant the inconvenience of her having to drive her daughter to training. People advised her to inform the organisation of him befriending her daughter and breaking all sorts of child protection routines.

butterflyballs · 31/05/2015 12:28

When I was 16 I met a man of 27 at a wedding. I fell for him that day and for a couple of months we saw each other a few times but he ended it because it didn't sit right with him because I was so young. Two years later I got back in touch with him and we dated for two years. I was still very young though and we had different things we wanted from life.

I'm 46 now. Three years ago we got back in touch and are now engaged, living together and extremely happy. I knew at 16 that he was the one for me, it just took 27 years to get to a point where it was the right time for both of us.

I have a 16 year old daughter now and I will be very stressed if she starts dating someone that much older as she knows our story so it would be very hypocritical of me. My partner is a good man though, he did the right thing by ending things even though he really liked me, it was for my benefit. And it gave me time to grow up, live life and mature.

Original poster

loupylou2u · 31/05/2015 12:40

Vivacia, I'd like to stress that I didn't allow him to give her lifts for my convenience. I always took her there myself, and I was happy to pick her up at whatever time she needed picking up.

Since my first thread I stopped the lifts. I started going in to the arcade every time I picked her up, sometimes turning up there an hour before she was finished and sitting there until she was done. But me taking her there, and hanging around, and taking her home was still not enough. They still found ways to be alone together.

I know I was told by many people on the other thread. I know that this is my fault and mine alone. Nothing you or anyone else can say will make me feel worse than I do now.

Knowing I failed my daughter is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

OP posts:

TheAwfulDaughter · 31/05/2015 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

loupylou2u · 31/05/2015 12:45

No, it's not Warhammer

OP posts:

Happyringo · 31/05/2015 12:53

OP this is not all your fault.

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2015 12:57

How is it your fault ?

Vivacia · 31/05/2015 12:58

It's not your fault. This man chose to groom you and your daughter.

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2015 13:01

This man is in a relationship with a girl young enough to be his child this man targetted ypur child he was a nice guy he helped out etc etc how is any of this your fault

Cliffdiver · 31/05/2015 13:52

When I was 17 I started a relationship with a man who was 25 years older than me, he was 42. We were together for 5 years. I did not tell my parents, my mum found out when I sent a message to her instead of my BF.

Both her and my dad went mad, but, by this point I was 18 and an adult, and they slowly accepted the relationship, although they were never (understandably) happy about it.

I think the issue with your DD op is that it sounds like your DD's BF has groomed her.

My age gap relationship was, on the whole, great while it lasted. We split mutually, on good terms because we both new we wanted different things from life, he had lived his life and did not want to stop me living mine. I also wanted the marriage/kids thing which he never wanted.

Do I regret my large age gap relationship? No
Do I think it was sleazy? No

That said, would I be happy if either of my DDs had a relationship with a man 25 years their senior?
Hell, no!

tallwivglasses · 31/05/2015 14:06

Please, please OP it's not your fault. Everyone saying what they would do is not helpful.

ClareAbshire · 31/05/2015 15:44

As someone who was groomed from the age of 12 by my teacher and who had a sexual relationship with him from the time I was 16 (he was 31) until I was 22, I can assure you OP that your daughter has been groomed. However as an adult now ten years plus out of the relationship with my abuser, I can assure you that I do t blame my parents. Groomers are sneaky and find a way in. I had a stable and good home life and was in no way a mixed up or troublesome kid. It was no ones fault except for my abusers.

mummytime · 31/05/2015 17:09

OP I for one didn't know the steps you had taken since your last post. I would try to keep them apart as much as possible this summer, would she be interested in The Challenge? Or could she go and stay with relatives? Or are any teenage friends going to a festival or Newquay or somewhere.
An inappropriate relationship with someone her own age would eighty preferable.

Do let the activity know what is going on.

sadwidow28 · 31/05/2015 18:06

Is that the wrong thing to do? I don't know

OP, I actually think you are doing the right thing keeping your DD close to you. A friend of mine was in exactly your position several years ago, but she went through the banning and barring response. Her DD ran away at 15.75 yrs old and 'kept hidden' until she was 16 years old when she and the 'groomer' ran away to Gretna Green to get married.

Her life thereafter was horrific (kept in a bedroom, abused, slave to the groomer and his Dad). SS couldn't do anything. The police couldn't do anything. I think it took almost a year before the DD contacted her DM and me via email from the library. It was a softly, softly approach - until DD asked DM to rescue her.

I won't link to the newspaper stories as I believe the family need their privacy now.

Can you limit which evenings she is allowed to go out? It may be easier to do this in September when she starts her 6th Form studies. A 35 year old will get sick of limiting his nights out to Friday and Saturday when his GF is available. When my 16 yr old DSD was being groomed by a 25 year old, her Dad followed them (discretely) to a pub, saw that BF bought her cider and then called the police. Harsh? Not in my book! One night in the cells was enough to get 25yr old to 'dump her'. I just needed waterproof shoulders and distraction strategies for 2 weeks.

I would certainly speak to the activity manager (I recall your previous thread) as there are safe-guarding issues which have been breached.
Also, remembering his flirty texts to you, this man is a 'chancer' IMO. You were right to distrust him then - but he has transferred his wandering eye/attention onto a more malleable subject.

sadwidow28 · 31/05/2015 18:16

Op, I should have said (in case you haven't read any of my previous posts on MN), I had an age-gap marriage of 18 years. But I was 21yrs old when I met my 39yr old DH who had left his marriage because of his wife cheating.

My parents hated it - even then - and banished me from their home. So who else could I rely on?

It worked for us because my DH allowed me to grow my wings and then encouraged me to fly. I lost him to cancer quite suddenly after 25 years together and have been widowed for 14.5 yrs now. He was my 'only one'.

Original poster

loupylou2u · 10/06/2015 12:46

I thought I'd come back and update those of you who were kind enough to offer advice.

He has had access to his daughter stopped by social services. The police have spoken to him and warned him off. All of that and he still refuses to stop seeing dd.

I have given her old phone - which she stopped using around March as the screen was broken - to the police. They are trying to determine if anything at all happened between them before dd turned 16.

A detective came round last night to speak with her. She allowed him to go through her phone - photos and messages between him and her - and there wasn't really anything of concern on it. Although there were some messages where he would say "let's talk on the phone" which the detective found odd and feels that he was trying to stop leaving a "trail" as he put it.

She denies they have had a sexual relationship, although admitted that they have "kissed passionately" once, which was last weekend.

It did come out though that dd had slept with her previous boyfriend. As she was under 16 at the time, she was not able to consent so he wants to know if I want the previous boyfriend charged with "rape". I have spoken with dd and she says that he didn't physically force her but did apply a bit of emotional pressure, you're my girlfriend, everyone does it kind of pressure. So I have that to think about on top of everything else.

He did make it clear to dd that it is "abnormal" for a 35 year old man to have such an interest in a 16 year old and that he will be speaking to him about this. Dd though is smitten, and I don't think she will listen to reason, no matter what.

She has her last GCSE exam on Friday so I think I'll leave things as they are until she's through that, and then try speaking to her again about the whole thing.

OP posts:

SoundsLegit · 10/06/2015 16:41

Sorry you're going through this OP, it must be awful.

Fwiw, I very much doubt that nothing other than a "passionate kiss" has happened between them. Especially if your DD is sexually active and "smitten" and he's obviously involved enough to risk losing his relationship with his daughter. I would try to ensure that your daughter is on some form of birth control if possible.

Apart from that I don't have anything helpful to add. I hope your daughter starts to see sense very soon.

wingsflyby · 11/06/2015 12:46

I would be worried about that - I wouldnt want my daughter dating someone that age at only 16. She's still a child.

ChillySundays · 11/06/2015 21:11

loupylou2u As a mother of a DD I can sympathize. My DD is 20 and I think I would be a bit (or perhaps a lot) erm if she brought a bloke of 35 home.

I expect she feels very flattered and grown up that someone his age is showing her interest. It not likely to end well.

There is a good few years between DH and me but I was older when we got together

Hope it all sorts itself out

elderflowergin · 11/06/2015 21:32

I think that this is a case of child sexual exploitation, it's not always men in gangs, it can be inappropriate relationships where children are groomed for sex and it has to be handled very carefully as the young person believes they are in a relationship. does your local council or the police have a CSE team as they would be able to give you some specialised advice?

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