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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adults dating teens

177 replies

loupylou2u · 30/05/2015 20:29

What are your thoughts?

My daughter has just turned 16, she's dating a 35 year old man.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 17/06/2015 07:20

Vivacia, I haven't seen the Gp but I think I may have to make an appointment.

I think you should keep it in mind. This kind of prolonged stress could be very damaging and you need to keep yourself as healthy as possible. Are you eating properly? Are you bottling things up?

Original poster
loupylou2u · 17/06/2015 07:34

I'm trying to make sure I eat and keep drinking, yes. I know it's important.

I take 80mg of propranolol daily for migraine but I'm still getting palpitations, IBS has flared up and my head is low level thumping away most days.

OP posts:
Original poster
loupylou2u · 17/06/2015 07:35

Oh and as for bottling things up, no, I don't think I am. I have people to talk to and am bending their ears about this daily. I refuse to keep the situation a secret.

OP posts:
Wishful80smontage · 17/06/2015 07:45

Op I'm so sorry you and dd are going through this nightmare. He is truly sickening.
You really are doing everything you can- but if you haven't already I do agree with others that you need to speak to his work.
Hopefully the pressure from police, ss and (I hope) his work will be enough in the end for him to leave your dd alone.
Keep going op you will get her home safely soon but you need to push a bit longerFlowers

CarbeDiem · 17/06/2015 08:12

I'm so sorry Lou, I really am.
I wouldn't listen to my parents but then I had a very dysfunctional family/upbringing so hardly surprising.
My relationship started when I was 15, he was 25. As soon as I turned 16 I left home and moved in with him - I lost count of the amount of times my mum got the police to bring me home but that's all they could do - more of a spanner in the works and a pita rather than a solution. They could return me as I had been reported but couldn't force me to stay at home.

I don't know what to suggest - do you think your daughter would listen to his ex-wife? Would that be worth a shot? Even if she doesn't immediately take note it will plant some seeds in her head.
Keep making it clear that you are not doing this to hurt her, you love her, door is always open etc... but go all out to make his life uncomfortable so yes - report him everywhere that you can, stir things up and personally I wouldn't be afraid to use the word paedophile around Town too after all that's what he is.

Keep your head up Lou - this isn't your fault.

LucySnow12 · 17/06/2015 09:49

My only other suggestion is to be in counselling together with your daughter. Have you tried that? For some reason, some trusts this man more than you. You need to strengthen your relationship. Have you gotten professional advice on how to best handle this situation? She said you were sending her mixed signals by telling the police but then not forbidding her to see this man. Maybe she wants you to. It 's always said how kids need firm boundaries. If you haven't already, I think professional advice is a must. Any moral person would back off of a child if asked by the parent.

Original poster
loupylou2u · 17/06/2015 11:33

Thanks Lucy, I think you're right. Dd is under CAMHS and saw her therapist yesterday. The therapist has arranged a session with dd and I for Monday morning.

I was at the Dr's this morning. I've developed shingles, due to the stress of the situation I think.

OP posts:
220hawthorn · 17/06/2015 11:50

I met my first boyfriend at 16 nearly 17. He was 27. 13 years later we are now married with 4 children. However I would hate it if my daughter did the same and he did get called a few choice things by people who knew us. Peado being one .

220hawthorn · 17/06/2015 11:52

Can I just add I havent read the whole thread so apologies if there is more going on in the background of this story.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 17/06/2015 12:00

If a 35 year old mate I knew rocked up to the pub introducing his new 16 year old girlfriend I would be taking him to one side and asking him what the fuck he think he is playing at. Does this man have a social circle or peer group to speak of? I just can't imagine your average 30 something man looking at his friend embarking on a relationship like this without feeling very very uneasy about it.

LucySnow12 · 17/06/2015 12:01

Lou - I'm really glad to hear that. I think that will be a big help in your communication with each other. With my own kids, I find speaking about my own childhood experiences - something which mirrors their own present situation - a very successful way to help them work through their own feelings. Maybe there is something from your past that you can share with her - to help her see you understand her feelings or something that helps to explain your actions.

Vivacia · 17/06/2015 12:38

Can I just add I havent read the whole thread so apologies if there is more going on in the background of this story.

Why do people do this?! Why contribute without taking the time to read the thread first??

Cancookdontcook · 17/06/2015 12:48

Do you have a partner Lou? And where is your dd's father? Can he have a word/warn him off?

In some circles, this man would be lynched.

(I am angry for you.)

ClearEyesFullHearts · 17/06/2015 12:51

Why do people do this?! Why contribute without taking the time to read the thread first??

Because the OP that posters will see is a fairly straightforward question. The person responding answers the question then sometimes realises the thread has moved on or developed into a conversation rather than merely a thread with 100 different responses to the original post.

Plus, some threads are tediously long and take huge chunks of time to read through.

hereandtherex · 17/06/2015 13:00

That difference is weird bordering on illegal.

I first met H at 19, he 25. I was v. keen, he was v. hesitant over the age difference. He was a sharing a house with one of my Mums pub friends.

Went to college, had a couple of BFs - none were as good as H was. Re-met at 22, 27, where the difference just did not seem to matter anymore.

I think anyone under 18 going out with someone over 25 is a bit weird.

20+ dating 30+ less so, as people develop in the few yeras lot after school.

SomethingOnce · 17/06/2015 13:00

Indeed. There was a degree of drip feed (or variant thereof) with this OP. I'm usually pretty good about RTFT.

Anyway, let's stay on topic.

Vivacia · 17/06/2015 13:02

Do you have a partner Lou? And where is your dd's father? Can he have a word/warn him off?

The OP has done that herself. Repeatedly.

The person responding answers the question then sometimes realises the thread has moved on or developed into a conversation rather than merely a thread with 100 different responses to the original post.

So she presumes that she's saying something so insightful that nobody else has already thought of it, and she's too important to read what anyone else has said?

Vivacia · 17/06/2015 13:04

Indeed. There was a degree of drip feed (or variant thereof) with this OP.

I agree, I really wish that everyone could read the original thread where people fell over themselves warning OP that it was heading this way months ago. I'm not saying, "we told you so"; I feel so sorry for OP's situation with little less to do than wait.

Vivacia · 17/06/2015 13:05

I think the stories of age gap relationships are very unhelpful. This isn't a case of an age gap relationship, this is a case of grooming an under age girl and her mum by a man in a position of authority and influence.

Purplehonesty · 17/06/2015 13:18

I'm so sorry OP what an awful thing to happen. I did the same when I was 16 but quickly realised we had nothing in common.
My mum was livid and although I resented her interfering I am so glad she did now.
What on earth does a 35yo see in a 16yo.

ClearEyesFullHearts · 17/06/2015 13:31

So she presumes that she's saying something so insightful that nobody else has already thought of it, and she's too important to read what anyone else has said?

I have no idea what she presumes. Perhaps she was merely trying to share a personal experience she felt was relevant.

OP,was it you or someone else who considered asking the ex to have a word with your daughter? Please don't.

Generally, new girlfriends really don't want to hear what the exes have to say.

123Jump · 17/06/2015 13:38

loupylou2u, I would try to get this as 'out there' as I could. Friends, relatives etc of you and this creep. Some more social pressure might curb him.
It is such a horrific situation, like you I just don't know what I would do. I've no doubt that your DD will return to you eventually, but at what cost?
Also, this activity that he was mentoring you DD in? I wonder if there is some sort of register? They might be interested in his behaviour?

ladymalfoy · 17/06/2015 14:38

At least you know she went to her session. And that the both of you have been given a joint session next week.
I just hope she will turn up for it and will be more receptive and understanding your concerns.
The councillor must be just as concerned as you to be able to schedule an appointment so soon.

ladymalfoy · 17/06/2015 14:39

Sorry. Therapist.

trackrBird · 17/06/2015 16:17

I'm so sorry to hear you have shingles. You must feel so rotten :(

Please take time for yourself, and focus on recovering your health. This could be a longer job than anyone would wish. So don't let this man destroy your health as well as predate on your daughter. You need to gather strength now, not lose it.

So no more begging, to your daughter or anyone else, and not too much 'I love you whatever you do' - she knows this by now. As the authorities won't help at this stage, she needs to take a step back and look at the situation she's in, with more reality, much less drama, and without mum for a moment.

So your response becomes more, 'well I love you, but we've talked about this enough, and now I've other things to do.'Though you don't feel this way at all. Affect to treat her as the adult she thinks she is. Even if you are privately phoning the authorities once more, or doing what else you think is necessary.

You've made your position clear. Stick to it firmly. As for the man, I imagine you have ceased to speak to him now. He is a predator, and it will feed his ego to argue with you.