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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 03/06/2015 10:02

Well done purple.

See, you are brave and are strong.

That took incredible strength.

Dig deep today, another day in paradise today but every time you think "I can't do this" make sure you answer yourself with "yes, I can and I am. That man has to take the consequences for his behaviour. I deserve to be safe"

LadyBlaBlah · 03/06/2015 10:06

Upthread you said that you have a friend but you've not seen her in a while.

How would you feel about dropping her a text today? Just a "hi, sorry I've not been in touch for a while. How are you? It would be great to catch up x"

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 10:46

He said such horrible things to me yesterday and did worse things than ever and I can't get it our my head

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 10:48

will the police refer you to Victim Support? How about GP - they must be able to help and support you?

Has he been arrested again?

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 10:54

They referred me yes I should get am appointment in the next week

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 11:11

They have arrested him

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 11:19

These are all huge steps in the right direction - you should be very proud of yourself.

LurcioAgain · 03/06/2015 11:26

Hi purple, I think the suggestion someone just made to get in touch with your friend is a good one - you need to be around people who will be nice to you (and you deserve people being nice to you). You have been so incredibly brave. I'm so sorry to hear how terrible yesterday was for you, and I realise you don't want (and shouldn't have) to talk about details. I'm so glad the police have arrested him. I wish there was more we could do to help in more practical ways - I just wish I could magically create a network of people in real life to help you. Even more Flowers

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 11:32

I don't want to do it anymore

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 11:35

Do you want to talk about it here?

Or do you want us to just talk about silly everyday things to get your mind off things?

We're here for whatever kind of moral support you need, Purple.

And soon you'll be seeing a GP who can refer you to a counsellor, who can help you talk through your grief, and through the horrible things that happened yesterday. We are all humans and we care about you and we want you to feel better.

GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 11:39

You have been doing great. You phoned your GP, you spoke to the police, a man who is nasty to you has been arrested, and soon you'll be getting RL help, through the GP and Victim Support. That is huge.

Yes, it's hard. It's so hard. The grief, the awfulness, all the things to do when you've no energy left. I understand that you don't want to do it anymore. But you are moving forward, doing incredibly strong things. It's normal to feel exhausted and overwhelmed. But you can also be very proud of yourself.

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 11:43

He said I. Shouldn't be breathing and he said he will always be in control he made me do horrible things I just want to forget everything

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 11:47

Well, you are breathing.

And he's not in control, he's in a jail cell.

And you are here and you are beautiful and strong.

GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 11:48

and I'm so sorry you went through that yesterday.

twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 11:58

I hope they lock him up and throw away the key.

Could you call the GP today - even ask for a phone appointment. Give you some support. What about work colleagues - are any of those friends you could call on for support?

Gilrack · 03/06/2015 12:00

Purple, you can ring Rape Crisis to talk through things with someone unshockable.

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 12:06

I don't have any friends left I am by myself I miss my mum too. He raped me and made me do so many degrading things I don't think I can speak outloud I want to be with my daughter

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 12:13

Could you get in touch with your Mum? Did he alienate you from everyone? Now is the time to contact folk.

Calling Rape Crisis is a brilliant idea, or the Samaritans, or your GP?

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/06/2015 12:15

My mum died and I wasn't allowed. To talk to anyone and I don't think I can use my voice

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 12:21

You have a voice, lovely, and you are using it here.

You used it to call the Police.

You are very much alive and breathing and strong.

And we're here if there's anything more you need to say.

You have gone through some incredibly cruel times. I am so very sorry.

Twinklestein · 03/06/2015 12:25

I think you should call NHS 111 now.

Or alternatively, google for the telephone number of your local mental health crisis team, and call them asap.

You need urgent care.

Key factors for accessing the above services are mental health problems or experiencing domestic violence or physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
You have both.

You need to call one or other today.

LurcioAgain · 03/06/2015 12:32

Oh purple... I guessed from your hints it must be something like that. I wish I could hug you. I do think you need real life living breathing human beings round you. Phone rape crisis, or the samaritans, or 101, or get in a taxi and go to A&E and explain you're feeling suicidal (I take it that's what you mean by wanting to be with your daughter).

If you can't do that, keep talking to us here.

And remember he is the monster, the sad apology for a human being, the inhuman skidmark on the face of humanity. He made you do terrible things - but this does not make you terrible, it shows that he is terrible. You are the same nice, brave, lovely person you always were, just a nice, brave, lovely person who needs support.

Starlightbright1 · 03/06/2015 12:43

You Will really not feel this way but you are doing so well. Continue on the process .If you don't want to ring GP it is 2 days to appointment..However if you feel you can't you need to phone someone to help you.

You have had so much heart ache...You DO deserve better and it will come in time but at the moment. focus on the day to day hour to hour what ever you need.

twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 13:09

oh I am so sorry you lost your Mum. I know for sure she would want you to be looking after yourself now and I also know she would want nothing but the best for you. If you were my daughter I would be very proud of how brave you are at the hands of this awful awful man. You are a victim of somebody else's actions. I wholehearted agree that what he did makes him the bad person, never you.

ASAS · 03/06/2015 13:13

You can do it. It just gone 1. Let's keep going til 2. One hour. Not even. Easy for a big strong woman like you Flowers

Talk to us about your mum, or your daughter. Or nothing. Ask us questions.

I am so, so proud of you for calling the police yesterday. The evidence you gave will keep all of us safe from him. And you very much SHOULD be breathing.