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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 03/10/2015 20:50

I agree, no apologies. When you're in the eye of the storm so to speak, it's really hard to see beyond it, but there is a beyond.

I just turned 40 a few days ago, and 2 incidents have been running through my mind and making me grateful that I reached this age: one when I was in a very similar situation to you with your ex when I was 18, and when I was abducted at 22 (crazy, CSI-worthy incident). I didn't plan to live through the first, and didn't think I had a chance in hell of living through the second. But here I am, sitting here, with a family and a home and a good career. It's been a tough road sometimes, but it is possible. Please believe me. I want you to know that none of this is beyond you.

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/10/2015 21:25

I don't know what to say, I feel horrible

OP posts:
Fallandfly · 03/10/2015 21:35

The fact that you feel is good. Really, I know it doesn't feel like it but it is, you are overwhelmed and that's alright. It happens to all of us. One day, hour if necessary, at a time. You have been through so much and one day you will see that. That day may not be now but you have done so well to get here. It is so scary, I understand but you are doing it. Do you have counselling now? An outlet you can just splurge on? You can do that here. I found writing down all the crap and my feelings a great release Flowers

BearFoxBear · 03/10/2015 21:38

Of course, this is (and please excuse my language) fucking horrendous. No-one should have to deal with what you are. But you are, and you will, and you will get out the other side. You'll need people to hold your hand, but that's OK, we all need that when things are hard purple.

Fallandfly · 03/10/2015 21:39

Bearfox, it is so good to hear that you survived and thrived. Purple, there is a future, it's imposdible to see it right now but it's true. A lot of people on here have experienced horrific thing and have come out the other side. Having said that how you are feeling now is ok, completely, we've felt how you are feeling.

BearFoxBear · 03/10/2015 21:57

Yes, and you are feeling, that's a good thing.

BearFoxBear · 03/10/2015 22:00

Sorry Fallandfly, I posted too soon, I meant to say thank you. I'm lucky that I'm still here and that my experiences stopped other women going through the same things.

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/10/2015 22:04

I want to be with her, I still miss him, I must be so sick in the head. I want to be with him or with her. I don't want to feel scared anymore

OP posts:
Fallandfly · 03/10/2015 22:11

He has made you feel that what has happened is all you deserve and it's ok somehow, it's not, it's the opposite of that. The police, and people here are looking out for you, showing you it's not true and there are other ways. The grief for your daughter must feel all consuming, it's not something I have experienced, but I have a daughter and I know if she was gone she would want the best for me. She would want me to fight and remember her and I would live my life for she, showing her how it should be. You've been broken in so many ways but none of it is your fault. Keep going, I'm in awe of your bravery

Original poster
purplepavements · 03/10/2015 22:15

I just want someone to look after me

OP posts:
Fallandfly · 03/10/2015 22:23

I understand that, totally I feel the same way. Really, I'm Ill right now and what I wouldn't give to have someone take care of me. But those who care for us do not hurt us. They do not abuse us, rape us. That's not care, that's evil. It may be what you know but it isn't normsl and you deserve better than that. Good people do exist, really they do. They may be someone you meet, an old friend or strangers on the Internet but they will want the best for you. They will you on and slowly, very slowly, things will get better, they will start to make sense. You are doing so well.

BearFoxBear · 03/10/2015 22:24

One thing that men like this are good at is isolating you, make you feel that you are alone, need them, should rely on them, and so how you are feeling is understandable, and that's without the added pain of having lost your beautiful daughter. You won't always feel this way though. You don't know who and what is out there for you beyond this yet. That was the one thing that kept me going for a while, believing that there was something good in my future. Positive thinking might be tough right now, but there will get a day when it is possible, and that's when things can start to change.

I really wish I could really show you how my life has turned around purple, because everything I'm saying right now feels so utterly inadequate, but I'm so happy and so lucky, and for a long, long time this didn't seem possible, but it is. Please hang in there.

motherinferior · 03/10/2015 22:30

Love, you can do this. You are doing it. It is awful but you ARE doing it.

MySordidCakeSecret · 04/10/2015 16:24

how are you feeling today purple?

Original poster
purplepavements · 04/10/2015 21:58

I'm not sure, I'm not well, I don't know what is happening with time and it's scary

OP posts:
MySordidCakeSecret · 05/10/2015 12:18

Hang in there purple, are you still in hospital? As long as you don't go back to him then you've got through the worst, it's just a matter of healing. You'll get your bearings back x

BearFoxBear · 06/10/2015 08:56

Morning purple, how are you? I hope that you have someone looking after you.

BearFoxBear · 07/10/2015 14:43

Thinking about you today purple Flowers

MySordidCakeSecret · 08/10/2015 15:44

how are things? x

Original poster
purplepavements · 16/10/2015 22:24

Is anyone around

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 16/10/2015 22:26

I'm here. How are you?

DeriArms · 16/10/2015 22:29

Also here Purple if you need to vent with us. What are you doing right now?

Original poster
purplepavements · 16/10/2015 23:02

I'm so low today and it's just all so dark. Very spaced out

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 16/10/2015 23:08

I really just want someone to look after me. I just want a friend, or my mum, or just a hug

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 16/10/2015 23:16

You have us, I know it's not the same, but we are here for you Flowers