At the moment you are doing a lot of things you haven't done on your own for a long time. You don't have to think about how he wants you act, what he wants, what will keep him quiet enough that he doesn't kick off. Now you have the space to breathe, to do what you want to do, except you're so used to doing what he wants that it's hard to know what you want. And it is exhausting having to make decisions when you're so used to someone else deciding.
And on top of those things, the things everyone has to learn to do for themselves when an abusive relationship ends, your grief over your daughter's death - suppressed for so long because he didn't like it - has come and clobbered you.
This is how we know how strong you really are. We know how hard the death of a child is.
We know how hard it is to find yourself after you've escaped an abuser.
You are contending with both, alone. That's why you need Women's Aid, police dv officer, any and all agencies who could help you. Call the Samaritans. Call your gp, ask for more help. There's only so much we can do from here, purple. Some things we do know, though. You will not be better with him then without him; he will hurt you again, and worse, if you go back to him.