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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 06/06/2015 19:39

That's a good idea sadwidow.

sadwidow28 · 06/06/2015 20:22

purple don't forget you have my phone numbers on your fridge!

Use them if you need to sweetheart.

bunchoffives · 06/06/2015 21:10

Purple 2 phonecalls:

  • National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 - ask for a refuge place.

Ring sadwidow - get some support. Help has been offered. Now accept.

Two things that could start to change how you feel and offer some hope of feeling happier. Praying that you will do them Flowers

Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 22:58

I just can't cope anymore

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 06/06/2015 23:18

Darling purple you have coped so briliantly. A week ago you were packing to go back to him; now you've reported him and had him arrested. Just think how far you can have come by next Saturday!

Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 23:22

I can't do anything. I'm crap without him

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 06/06/2015 23:51

Says who? That sounds very unlikely. What you describe on this thread is that you are a far better person when he is not controlling you.

But let me guess: he says you're worthless without him. Can you try not to listen to him?

Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 23:54

I'm just sad so sad I don't want to listen to the bad things I'm trying

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 06/06/2015 23:59

Of course you're sad, you're still mourning What Should Have Been.

Now I feel awful but I absolutely have to go. I'm very hopeful others will be along shortly but in the meantime do please make use of the phone numbers you have been given because there's nothing so pernicious to the soul as being alone in silence.

Flowers [hugs]

OvertiredandConfused · 07/06/2015 00:07

Just wanted to add my voice to say you ARE doing well and CAN do better without him.

Do pick up the phone and talk to someone.

When my DD was getting help for anxiety, something that she was told really reasonated with me and it might help you. Do bear in mind that the language is designed more for pre-teens but the idea is true for any age:

"Worries hate it when you share them. When you keep them to yourself, they are strong and powerful and can make you think all sorts of things that aren't true. The more people you tell and share the worries with, the more the worries lose control. You are more able to make plans and take back control."

Hope that helps

BeaufortBelle · 07/06/2015 08:09

I hope you had a good night's,sleep purple. There comes a point where you have to help yourself.

I am really sorry you missed your doctor's appointment but you will need to make another one.

What does concern me is that it doesn't seem that the police have put in place contact with any support agencies for you. They must be playing a role in all of this.

Can you tell us what you think this man brings to your life in any positive way. I can see that you think you need love and comfort and security right now with a sprinkle of safety and you want to turn to someone for it. But he isn't going to provide any of that is he? Has he ever? Is the momentary relief worth a beating?

You can't do this all on your own which is why so many people have suggesting turning to professionals /agencies who can help you. Who will help you most do you think - the agencies or a man with a criminal record who is an abuser?

Please don't think he is the answer to you problems. There are lots of people who can help you recover but this relationship will never be part of that.

Only you can pick yourself up and start reaching out and deep down I think you want to do that because you are still hear listening to suggestions and allowing yourself to be dissuaded. Tiny steps to start walking towards recovery. There are lots of virtual hands reaching out to help you. There are lots of professional hands to grab to start that help.

GoatsDoRoam · 07/06/2015 09:22

I'm not surprised that you skipped your doctor's appointment: you are depressed, and depression makes us close in on ourselves and self-sabotage.

It's not dramatic; most of us self-sabotage, sometimes quite badly.

The good news is that this self-sabotage isn't really you, it's just the depression talking. You can still take steps to help yourself, even if you believe you don't deserve it. And eventually some of those actions will take hold, and you'll stop feeling like you're worthless or a fraud anymore, but actually a human being who deserves care and kindness (which you are).

Please consider calling your GP again, even if you think there's no point.

BeaufortBelle · 07/06/2015 09:33

I have read on another thread on here in the last 24 hours something like this.

Worries multiply when left alone and gang up and bully the victim. Worries shared and talked about and pulled out into the open start to hide away and disappear because they don't like the attention that dealing with them brings. Eventually, if aired enough, they start to disappear.

Not verbatim and I wish I could find the quote but that's the nub of it I think.

ASAS · 07/06/2015 18:50

Just popping in to say hi purple xxx

Original poster
purplepavements · 07/06/2015 19:37

The police did refer me to agencies but I've been missing appointments all week it's all just blurred into one. I know I need to sort it and I want to do it. I don't want to be with him and I don't want him to hurt me ever again so I know those are the things I need to remember

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 07/06/2015 19:38

And thank you so very much for all your support you are all very lovely

OP posts:
ASAS · 07/06/2015 19:51

When you do get in touch with agencies that can help they'll understand your missed appointments.

You sound much much better today Smile

Original poster
purplepavements · 07/06/2015 19:57

Thank you Asas you have been very supportive to me

OP posts:
Fairy13 · 07/06/2015 20:18

I've pmd you, purple.

You are doing so well.
You can do this, I promise.

so many of us on here have done it. You can do it. You are such an amazing, strong woman.

GoatsDoRoam · 07/06/2015 21:45

Oh, it's wonderful to hear you say that you want to reach out to the help services, and that you don't want him to be with him again!

Smile

Real life help is a really good thing. Your problems will be less heavy when you have people like therapists etc to help you carry them.

Original poster
purplepavements · 07/06/2015 22:04

Miss my baby tonight a lot

OP posts:
cardiandcrocs · 07/06/2015 22:15

She's still with you sweetheart. She always will be x

Jux · 07/06/2015 22:24

Yes, purple, and it is a terrible thing to lose a child - it shouldn't happen to anyone, it's intrinsically wrong and it changes your world. I suspect you haven't really been able to grieve properly, have you?

I know you feel like shit, I know you do, and very justifiably and understandably. Can you - in the morning - push yourself just that bit more to contact one of agencies who can help you in rl? I think once you start getting some proper help, you will find it much easier to navigate your way through this really difficult time, and to keep yourself away from him, to say no to him without doubting yourself.

bunchoffives · 07/06/2015 23:12

Thinking of you purple and wishing you strength Flowers

Do one good thing (at least) for yourself tomorrow. Arrange one bit of help for yourself.

BearFoxBear · 07/06/2015 23:28

I'm so glad to hear you say that you want help purple. Be kind to yourself and take that step.