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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 05/06/2015 12:03

Oh purple, she sounds just wonderful. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a hug right now. You have been so strong but it's OK to let other people help you. We all need support from time to time. Life can and will get better, reach out and others can help you get on the right path to make sure it does.

15 years ago I sat behind a door, barricaded in against an abusive partner who was desperately trying to break it down to get in and do terrible things to me. It took all my strength not to take the pills I held in my hand and make it all stop. I'm so glad that I didn't. I'm happy now, with a loving husband and family, and I feel lucky every single day. It wasn't easy to get from there to here, but I did and I know that someone as strong as you can do it too. Have faith in yourself purple.

LurcioAgain · 05/06/2015 13:42

Purple, how are you today?

Your little girl sounds like she was just wonderful. Do tell us about her if it helps you.

Original poster
purplepavements · 05/06/2015 13:55

I think I'm just wasting people's time on here I'm sorry. I'm not worth this. Thank u all

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 05/06/2015 13:58

You most certainly are not. Never think that.

BeaufortBelle · 05/06/2015 14:11

Yes you are purple. You are worth every second, minute, hour of our day. Now look, my dh is away all this weekend and I can come to you wherever you are. If you would like that please pm me you nearest tube station and we can take arrangements from there. I can sit and I can listen if nothing else and fir an hour or two you won't be alone.

Jux · 05/06/2015 17:27

purple, my dear you are most definitely NOT wasting people's time here. You are just unused to people caring about you and what your needs are.

You are worth it. Oh yes, you are.

GoatsDoRoam · 05/06/2015 17:40

You are worth it, Purple.

I'm sad that you don't believe it right now. You deserve kindness. We all do.

Original poster
purplepavements · 05/06/2015 22:29

It's too much I'm sorry

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 05/06/2015 22:54

Purple, you can do this. You're not used to people looking out for you, I understand, but we are here for you now. Talk on here, or call the numbers that sadwidow gave you. There are people out here who care.

ASAS · 05/06/2015 23:18

I know it's too much. Just hold on til midnight, an hour at a time. We'll keep posting here. Come back when you can. But keep reading, we'll be here xxx

Jux · 05/06/2015 23:55

just dropping in to say goodnight, have to go to bed now, but I shall be thinking of you. xx

Tandemitis · 06/06/2015 00:12

Purple people are writing on this thread of their own free will. You are not wasting anyone's time. Things will get better and you are strong enough to do this.

Lynnm63 · 06/06/2015 00:32

Nobody thinks you're wasting anyones time. As hard as it is to understand you've touched us all and we are concerned for you and care about you.
I hope you kept the appointment with your doctor.
Please keep in touch. I've popped on several times today just to check up on your posts.
Your daughter sounded an absolutely delightful little girl and all of that was down to you.

Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 02:53

I know we will end up back together and that really scares me but I feel like I don't have a choice at all

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 06/06/2015 06:19

Yes, it's scary, and I understand the feeling of hopelessness.

However, you posted here of your own free choice. You called the GP of your own free choice. You called the police of your own free choice.

You can keep taking steps like this, that will continue to strengthen your position.

You don't have to end up back with him at all. It is not written.

I'm sorry you feel so low.

twistletonsmythe · 06/06/2015 07:09

yes it is scary - but isn't there an injunction in place to keep him away?

Did you see your GP?

Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 10:16

Yes there is but I mean eventually I know what's going to happen and I don't feel I have control over that

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 10:16

I didn't see my gp I. Couldn't do anything yesterday

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 06/06/2015 10:35

Just deal with one day at a time. All you need to do for now is think 'I'm not having anything to do with him today'. Is is nice weather where you are? Can you get outside and go for a walk to clear your head a bit?

tipsytrifle · 06/06/2015 13:46

Are the police going to charge him with his latest assault? I thought he was already under bail conditions/injunction and this contact plus the attack would see him in custody and certainly being charged this time. Or am I mis-remembering the build up of events? I might be, as I got it wrong about your DD having passed away. I thought you had a dear friend who looked after her when things were bad for you. I am so sorry for your dreadful and debilitating loss.

Your declarations of utter powerlessness are very worrying. Your judgement and condemnation of yourself are extreme. I wish you had forced yourself to go to the GP but you might try again on Monday? You must accept that you need and DESERVE help. All of us posting here are willing you to accept help rather than this living death you have consigned yourself to. Whatever awfulness you think you have done or earned, in the words of that famous poem Desiderata -

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Her to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.^

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

BreadmakerFan · 06/06/2015 13:54

No one knows you on here yet they are giving you their time and care about you.

Your ex reckons he loves you but he's raped you, is controlling you and won't do as he is told as he thinks he can do what he wants.

Which set of people or person do you think you should be listening too?

Original poster
purplepavements · 06/06/2015 14:58

I don't know what todo. I'm not saying we will. Be back together now I'm saying that it feels inevitable in my life that I will end up with him. He is being kept in. I didn't go yesterday I don't think I can go. I've been missing appointments. I cantrember where I should have been when. No I haven't had my baby for a long tim. Toolong.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 06/06/2015 15:57

It feels inevitable because you're stuck big time in a loop of thoughts that never expand beyond themselves. You see no possibility of life beyond abuse. Life beyond loss. Life beyond this monster-man who treats you like shit and validates you feeling like shit to start with. Then it starts again.

If he goes to jail for 5yrs what will you do? Wait for him?
If you don't take some control of your life what do you think is going to happen in it by way of getting better? Is work-do-able in this mental state?

Forgive me, I'm feeling a bit like a mother who wants to take her daughter in hand and bloody well help her when all she wants to do is wrap a duvet round! Ha! I can't do any of that, can I? Which, oddly enough, is what powerlessness feels like from my side of the screen.

ASAS · 06/06/2015 16:03

That's ok, one day at a time. It's impossible to see it now, but you're free xxx

sadwidow28 · 06/06/2015 18:48

Purple if you can't get out to the GP, would your GP come out to a home visit?

When I was where you were, I couldn't move. My solicitor came to my home to sort out some documents after DH had died and couldn't believe the state I was in. SHE got on the phone to my GP and asked for an emergency home visit. The receptionist asked if I was able to go to the surgery immediately.... my solicitor said, "No".

The GP came within 3 hours.

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