I don't know if this helps Purple but my little boy would be 18 on Monday. 18! I never got to see him grow up but in my mind I see a young man, a bit darker than DS 1, perhaps a bit shorter and more sensitive. I sort of let him grow up with me. His hospital band and little hat are in my bedside cabinet and on Sunday I will go to the cemetery. I used to take a Teddy, now I take a cd of something my grown up children like. I often sit up there and chat to him - it's totally normal to do that.
You can talk about your little girl as much as you like on here - she will always be with you and always be real to you.
Eventually it stops hurting quite so much and then you have a day where you go to bed and think "oh I didn't cry today; or I didn't think about him all day long" and those days turn into weeks and eventually the happy days come back and there are more of them. I will never ever forget my little boy, I only had him for a few hours, and I can still smell him and I still love him and that will never ever go away.
Piece by piece and step by step I picked myself up again. I have actual blanks during that first year when I can't remember what my older son was doing. I had some psychiatric help and was very near the edge especially as I was pregnant again very quickly and wouldn't take anything to numb it or help.
You will build a better future. I can look back now and my life has been very happy. My child who came afterwards gives me so much joy and it was worth getting through to dark times to have that. You deserve to have that joy too and it will inch its way back into your life but you have to give a chance to do that.
The joy will come back darling but at the moment you need some help to let it in. The key to getting that help is getting some medical help and getting it today.
You need to go to the doctor - please attend your appointment.
If you can't do that you need to telephone and ask for home visit or let me do that for you by giving me the information I need.
If you can't do that then you must dial 999 and tell them you feel suicidal and they will send out an ambulance with a psychiatric team.
Please reach out and get some help. I can come to see you this afternoon or this weekend (am back at work next week) but I can only give you a mother's hug; I can't give you the professional help that you need and that will get you through this.
I hope you were able to read all that and that it didn't upset you. I am sorry it was long.