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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:

ASAS · 03/06/2015 18:37

Keep going. Struggling is ok, just keep struggling. You're doing really well.

BeaufortBelle · 03/06/2015 18:39

I don 't know where in London you are lovely but I could come to you or near you, neutral ground friday afternoon or on Saturday for an hour. You could have a hug from a middle aged woman if that's what you need. ))) (((.

Pm me if you want to x

BloodyUserName · 03/06/2015 18:42

I don't have much to add to the fantastic advice and support on here but I just wanted to say that you are so much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. I know you don't feel it at all but you really are.

But you really need to know that what this man has done to you is completely and wholly not your fault. He is choosing to treat you this way and nothing you do will change that. You need to get the help and support to remove this utter utter bastard from your life.

Your feelings for him are normal for someone in your position so don't beat yourself up about missing him and wanting comfort - just know that he will never, ever give you what you need. He will only take more and more of you!!

Please stay strong ??

Jux · 03/06/2015 19:24

Eat a banana, purple. If you can, mash it up - makes it easier to swallow and to digest. Or an avocado. There you go, that's what a mum would say ((())).

Your body needs fuel, that's the easiest I can think of while still being sufficiently nutritious.

BeaufortBelle · 03/06/2015 19:28

Right lovely, one step forward. I am here for you and can be where you are for you. All you have to do now is pm with a time and a place. There must be a coffee shop nearby to you. I can get to most places in London within an hour and am very good at hugs. x

tipsytrifle · 03/06/2015 19:36

Isn't this monster still on bail for what he did last time? It's insane that he did it again. Darling purple please take help from the team assigned to you, ask for more help if your mind is taking you deeper into darkness. Minds are supposed to be full of Light to make good decisions. You need help with this. Love and Light to you.

tipsytrifle · 03/06/2015 19:37

BeaufortBelle you are awesome!

BeaufortBelle · 03/06/2015 19:48

No, tipsy, I'm a mum and my dc are 17 and 20 and once upon a time one of my babies died. I don't understand any of the other stuff and don't hold myself out to. But I can sense need and I can hug. I can spare an afternoon or morning to do that and will if purple wants it.

Offer's there purple. I don't have a magic wand but I have a listening ear and can buy you coffee and cake and hug you. I might not say all the right words - you can ring sadwidow for that, but I can I hug you and let you see an old so and so who survived the loss of a child.

Original poster

purplepavements · 03/06/2015 22:26

Thank you for your messages I am still reading and trying to process it all. I might go to hospital as I'm scared at the moment of my self

OP posts:

Original poster

purplepavements · 03/06/2015 22:33

And he is definitely being kept in until his court date this time he won't be released on bail again which is good I guess but I am feeling bad for him which I know is stupid

OP posts:

ASAS · 03/06/2015 22:44

What makes you scared of yourself?

LadyBlaBlah · 03/06/2015 22:44

If you are scared of your self - do exactly that.

Good news he is not being released. It will take a while for that to sink in that he is no longer around but soon it will be such a huge relief.

I know you feel bad for him - he trained you to believe it was all your fault. But the truth is he is the abuser. You never hurt him. No one has a right to harm you physically and sexually - the reason he is in jail is because he broke the law. That is his problem entirely - he chose to abuse you and break the law.

You must keep telling yourself that.

BearFoxBear · 03/06/2015 22:45

I'm so glad that he's in custody purple, you can relax and know that you are safe from him. Take all that energy and use it to look after yourself now. If you feel that you need to be looked after, and who wouldn't in this situation, then talk to your mental health team. They are there to help you.

I've been in your place, in the deepest, darkest domestic abuse, and I wish I'd had the courage that you've had. You are unbelievably strong. I hope that you can come to see that.

We're all behind you here and thinking of you. You are not alone.

ASAS · 03/06/2015 22:45

What time is your GP appointment on Friday?

Remember, when you're going through hell, keep going

GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 22:48

If you feel like going to hospital and think they can help you there, then it may be the right thing for you to do.

Please don't hurt yourself, if that's what you are afraid if. You are a precious human being. That is certainly how all if us on this thread feel about you.

Original poster

purplepavements · 03/06/2015 22:52

I don't know what time it is I forgot but they usually text as well a reminder. I need help fr the hospital I am going to go there in the morning.tonight is a bit too scary

OP posts:

ASAS · 03/06/2015 23:03

Good decision! Well done

GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 23:07

How about making tonight a little less scary, with a hot drink and a blanket and a fun video to watch until you drop off? YouTube is full of them. (Lately I've been binging on old sketches by Fry&Laurie, and Mitchell&Webb).

The great thing about hospitals is that they're open 24 hours. So whenever you feel you need them, they are there. it's entirely down to you whether what you need right now is emergency help, or a moment to yourself to feel safe and normal.

Original poster

purplepavements · 03/06/2015 23:09

Yes I also need to put some money on the electric so I need to do it maybe tonight

OP posts:

Original poster

purplepavements · 03/06/2015 23:10

I don't think I need emergency help today I have had help with self harm and I think I remember safety and stuff

OP posts:

Jux · 03/06/2015 23:17

Thank God he's being held. You've been conditioned - trained - to feel it's your fault but it really really isn't.

It's NOT your fault.

Make yourself tell yourself everytime you start feeling bad about him for whatever reason.

It's NOT your fault.

We are thinking of you, purple.

GoatsDoRoam · 03/06/2015 23:17

That's good.

I'm going to bed now, so I'm going to wish you a good night, Purple. I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

You are doing great.

twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 23:17

Have you managed to eat anything yet? I think seeking help in the morning is a very good plan indeed. I must admit for a 22 year old you sound very grown up and sensible. For someone so young you have dealt with so very much. That does make you strong and incredibly brave.

ASAS · 04/06/2015 07:01

Morning purple

GoatsDoRoam · 04/06/2015 07:55

Morning purple. I hope you had some sleep, and some food. How are you today?

Flip

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