taking a man 'to the cleaners' why???

[Ouchbloodyouch]

Surely they must have done something to 'deserve' it?
I'm in a fairly new relationship. Divorce going through (his). If the ex is the one who instigated the split why would you then try and take everything away from them that they owned prior to meeting former wife.
I'd like to think if I was ending a marriage then obviously I would want enough to give the children stability but this is beyond the pale. I appreciate I am only getting one version of events. He has either seriously done something bad or are there people who are out for every penny they can get?
No other red flags whatsoever btw.

I'll just give the potted version of my my story.
Married 10 years, one child.
Turned out he'd shagged prostitutes the whole time, so although some may call me biased, I'm going to lay the blame for marriage breakdown at his door

He earned about £10K more than me, but both HRT payers, so very comfortable.

Both working. I took mat leave but no career break. I seriously compromised career options by moving to his city, and continue to do so because I choose to keep his child in the same city as both parents. I could move company and progress locally, tbf - but don't want to. So I have a killer commute, a fucked social life, and have less earnings than I could have.

We paid half the house deposit each, all bills and mortgage 50/50 ever since.

When we split, the highlights of my proposal which he accepted were:

• he could stay in house and not buy me out for a further ten years
• he kept everything in the house (try adding up furniture, white goods, electrical a - it's more than you think!)
• to balance that I took 60% of the assets
• he had a business share worth over £100K and property worth £250K. As it was all pre-me, I proposed of my own accord to exclude it. Legally, it would go into the pot
• I should get about £400 maintenance a month. I don't ask for it (we both earn, we both house our child, my choice)
• he does have to pay my mortgage interest of £300 a month. Purely because I only have a mortgage because I'm letting him borrow all my equity for 10 years to keep the fancy big house

My solicitor told me that my Consent Order might fail to get passed as my overall share was so low - about 25% I think.

Now the punchline... God knows what else he has said, but I know for a FACT that he told is new gf that he couldn't be without his kid, "even though I've had to pay to keep it that way"

Oh and she doesn't know he's still sleeping with prostitutes.

So yes, there are ALWAYS two sides.

Oh, Cabrinha, what a charmer - so sorry. You are well rid.

The court would have had to agree her reasons for no mediation. Mediation is the first step of the financial application and its extremely hard to circumvent.

I am indeed PiratePanda!
And that's leaving out the bit where he doctored a bank statement to try to steal £2K from me.
On that day, I seriously considered "taking him to the cleaners", waiting it was all done and dusted and saying "you just lost £200K more than you would have done, because you tried to steal £2K".

I wasn't even angry when I heard what he said to his new GF. I laughed.

Tbf, I think he does have a slight inkling that he got off lightly. But from what I understand, GF's ex won't pay towards her son, so it was pretty targeted posturing.

OP, your chap might be lovely I certainly don't hate all men! But there really are so often two sides.

As with a previous poster saying they've never heard a man saying they're not paying enough maintenance, I've never heard a man say "actually it's easy to joke about being taken to the cleaners, but my ex was totally fair - in fact, I'd say I came out better".

Add message | Report | Message poster BertrandRussell Sat 30-May-15 15:40:20
I've never yet met a man who thinks he is paying his ex wife and children too little. Or even the right amount...........

Add message | Report | Message poster Stitchintime1 Sat 30-May-15 18:13:06
I've never met a divorced man who doesn't think his ex shafted him. Or a second wife who doesn't believe it.

My husband has always paid his ex far more than the CSA and I have always been happy with that. He has never felt shafted and if he told me that his ex was taking him to the cleaners I would have walked.

If you are in a relationship with a married man who is not divorced, you are the other woman and it iS too early to be in that relationship. A man who was seeking a relationship with a level of commitment that meant that his finances were your business before he was even divorced would be prompting huge red flags. As would a man talking negatively about his ex wife, especially if she was the mother of his children.

I disagree Philoslothy that it is an absolute. Although I absolutely agree all are red flags to be heeded.

I met a man 6 months after my split. My XH was a cheating arsehole (see above!). We weren't divorced because of he was so damn slow with the paperwork! And because 6 months would be fairly quick to do it all anyway. I did talk negatively about him to my new boyfriend. Although he was only an occasional topic of conversation! My new boyfriend was absolutely not an OM.

The divorce took EIGHTEEN MONTHS because of XH pissing me about. Why should anyone I see be classed as an OM because of my XH's laziness or deliberate obstructiveness? (legally I know it's adultery, but I was already divorcing him for that )

As it happens, new BF and I only lasted 18 months, but it was a lovely 18 months, and we remain friends.

Sometimes, we are negative about the father of our children, because they are poor specimens of human beings. No red flag, just fact.

My dp's divorce took years. I met him after they had been separated three years and it was another two before the divorce was finalised - partly due to negotiating, partly because it took an age to sell the house and she wouldn't sign anything until the house was sold, but you can't make someone buy it. The ex was living with her third new cohabitee by then.

Are you really saying he should have waited five years to date again, and that I was 'the OW' just because they'd not sorted everything out? I wasn't even his next gf after they separated!

And as for whoever asked the OP re the ex "have you met her yet", why in the world would anyone want to meet their partner's ex? They are irrelevant to you. I only met his because of the DSS, so we have drop off etc.

Dp was always trying to get me to meet the in between girlfriend - why? She is nothing to do with me, I have no reason to meet her. Luckily I've managed to persuade him of this and avoid it for the six years we've been together.

Five years? Ugh!
I'm online dating now, and do see "separated" a lot. So far not wanted to meet any of those, but my "rules" on it would be:

1. Is your wife also aware you're separated?!
2. Are you living in separate homes?
3. Have you filed for divorce?
4. If not, have you got a bloody good reason why not?

I did not mean to capitalize IS. It is an absolute for me, I knew my husband whilst he was getting divorced and I very much saw him as a married man until he was divorced. I am also quite selfish, a divorce that is being dragged out tends to be an acrimonious one, I don't want to get involved , particularly where one partner describes the other as taking them to the cleaners

And as for whoever asked the OP re the ex "have you met her yet", why in the world would anyone want to meet their partner's ex? They are irrelevant to you. I only met his because of the DSS, so we have drop off etc.

Slightly different in my situation because we were friends long before even they were married. But once the relationship is serious they are relevant if they have children because you are joining an existing family.

My XH was/is a louse and I would have hated someone to see me as "married" to him in anything but the strictest legal sense when I'd moved out and was going through divorce proceedings.

I accept that we were still married, but what I liked about my during-divorce-boyfriend was that he completely understood that my marriage was meaningless terminology - not from the moment I said "I'm done", but the moment, probably weeks after our wedding, when my 'husband' continued to sleep with prostitutes.

The divorce to me was merely paperwork.

Yes as I said, ex relevant if there are children but only in as much as you have to deal with the children. I can't see any other reason to meet an ex.

So, we're agreed, on your rule (which he passed) I wasn't the OW, as someone had suggested earlier with any man who was not completely divorced.

The split was probably acrimonious, but time heals and by the time the divorce was sorted that had all calmed down. She bought a nice new BMW with her settlement and boasted about it, which made her happy and he doesn't care what car she or anyone else drives, so that was fine for him too.

It probably helped that she loathed the in between girlfriend and was glad I seemed more stable.

The reason why it is important to know his history, and/or meet his ex is that there is a high rate of domestic abuse. I think about one in four experience domestic abuse. Also Claires Law is getting used now.
If people look on the " Have you met a Psycopath" , thread here they will see how common that is.

Can I just point out a few things? He has never used the term 'taken to the cleaners' ever. My words my typing my mistake. He has never ever said anything deragotory (sp? )about the ex. I have already said this.
Thanks.

If he has never said anything derogatory, how do you know she is trying to get everything he owned prior to meeting her?

More of an x and y way . You lot are determined aren't you?? First I am an OW then he is describing his exw as a psycho. Got to love the projection.

In which case your op is misleading.

Also it sounds so complicated eg you say he could lose his home?

It doesn't sound like much 'fun' to me.

The reason I posted about the domestic abuse/psychopath subject is that many times women have not known about perpetrators and their history.
Ouch, you say you know only "one side", of the marriage. Perpetrators are very clever at persuading their next victim, and without knowing his history he could be a perpetrator.
I am only following from the limited information of your post, and the limited information following that.

You can say "my wife has refused mediation and wants to go to court. I can't afford it, I'm worried I'll lose my house" can't you?? Or is he banned from saying anything about his situation?

I have a friend who had two kids with her ex-husband. They bought their council house. As she left him (no cheating, just fell out of love), her mum died and left my friend half of her house.

The court's view was that friend could live in her mum's house and her ex would get the family home and they'd have a house each. (Despite the fact that her ex's mum is very wealthy and he'll stand to inherit far more in the future.)

So don't necessarily think a court would order him to give her the house, although he'd possibly have to sell it to split equity. Can see how legal fees might be a worry though.

viridus I've been through two horribly abusive relationships. I didn't know it then. I can't unsee those traits. Some can hide them pretty well others (with the benefit of hindsight ) show there hand fairly early on.
Thank you though. I've seen nothing to fear... yet. I commented earlier that when it ceases to be fun I will be off. I am specifically referring to red flags even though the comment may seem flippant its not.
I freaked out when he bought me a bunch of flowers (inside). I can't even receive a bunch of flowers without thinking red flag rather than 'how nice' !

Ouch - thank you for the reply. I may be sounding bossy now, but when a man gives flowers he wants a relationship. Men and women need time to get over their marriage, whether the breakup was bad or not.
I did a Pattern changing course after the breakup of an abusive relationship, it was one of the best things I did, also assertiveness courses. Bad relationships can really f**k your life up.

whats a pattern changing course? sounds interesting

Hi Adele - there is a national domestic unit or domestic abuse services in your area. And/or information here on mums netters.
Domestic abuse/violence affects many, and there are charities who can help. Lots of ladies don't realise that there are many forms of abuse, and that they are already involved in an abusive relationship.