taking a man 'to the cleaners' why???

[Ouchbloodyouch]

Surely they must have done something to 'deserve' it?
I'm in a fairly new relationship. Divorce going through (his). If the ex is the one who instigated the split why would you then try and take everything away from them that they owned prior to meeting former wife.
I'd like to think if I was ending a marriage then obviously I would want enough to give the children stability but this is beyond the pale. I appreciate I am only getting one version of events. He has either seriously done something bad or are there people who are out for every penny they can get?
No other red flags whatsoever btw.

goddess why so snidey and presumptuous?

goddess are you the ex? luckily I am self sufficient!

The thing is that circumstances are so different that it's often hard to tell from a distance.
If Dh and I he split up when the children were small I would have expected way more than half. Because one of us had to give up a career because our DS2 and it was me. At that point I was earning more than him. His career advanced while my ability to return to the same career disappeared.

So he would be able to continue earning while I would not because of a decision which we jointly made in the best interests of our child.

Anyone looking from the outside could easily have assumed I would have been 'taking him to the cleaners' but, in our case, 50-50 would not be 'fair'.

So unless you know all of their histories, what they agreed and when, how decisions were made etc, your idea of what is fair could be way off.

Blimey goodness, that's gratuitously rude.

My sister is taking her lovely STBX husband to the cleaners.

She's doing it because she's lazy and entitled and because she can. Whilst she's fleecing BIL she's also screwing the taxpayer. I know both sides of the story and have lost respect for her.

Yes, there are people who want to take as much as they can when a split is acrimonious (thinking of a friend who had to fight hard to keep expensive equipment that he had owned for years before the marriage and needed for his job...)

My xh tells everyone I took him to the cleaners. I took less than half, I was just so desperate to get away.

I don't really see that it's any of your business either way. Let them sort it out.

I've seen it amongst friends, and glimpses from my ex, which is an overwhelming panic of sorts, a need to survive in the new arrangement. Where things like fairness and civility go out the window and instead it's about all you can get for yourself and your child/children.

When the emotion is gone, it's often simply a case of claiming what you're entitled to and not necessarily caring about who else is affected. The same goes for people who sue companies for compensation, or people who claim benefits when they don't need them. There's a lack of seeing the bigger picture, and it can all be very small and short termism.

Not much can be done though, you can't use logic, or emotion, or the law.

Presumably she has the children. Does he share the care? That is relevant too.

"Blimey goodness" is a very good swear.....

If he doesn't agree with how the assets are being divided up, presumably he has a solicitor and is negotiating a fair settlement for both parties.

If that doesn't work, the courts will decide for him.

pco I have met his friends. They are lovely.

Fundamentally, if the exW has the kids the majority of time, it's going to be her worrying on a day to day basis about shoes, clothes, food and a roof over their heads.

It's very difficult to know beforehand how much is going to be necessary to do this and places the mother under great stress that she must be able to "provide" for the children - she only gets one bite at the assets-split apple, so I think in that situation it's understandable that she would want to get whatever she's entitled to.

I see the phrase used often on the Relationships board on here.

OP: I think my DH is having an affair
Mumsnet: kick him out, change the locks and take him to the cleaners, the bastard deserves it.

I've never yet met a man who thinks he is paying his ex wife and children too little. Or even the right amount...........

I think that if you are content within yourself that he is a good man (and lovely friends are a helpful indicator) you should try to detach as much as possible. Support him and listen to him but know that this is for him to sort out and eventually, one way or the other, it will be. Good luck.

Or a woman who thinks she's being paid enough ;)

It's not as simple as 50/50 though. Take three couples, they all have assets of 250K to split 50/50.

Person A lives in London, kids stay in local primary school which they are thriving at, and they must re-house themselves on 125K. Their partner swans off to Thailand (their choice), where rents/properties are considerably cheaper. They are having the time of their life with no responsibility? Fair?

Person B lives in the North. They can rehouse themselves (mortgage free) for 125K. Their partner remains and brings up the children 50/50, doing their fair share of parenting, structures their work around the children's needs equally. Pays half of school trips/clothing etc. They both earn the same amount near enough. Fair?

Person C lives in middle England discovers their partner squandered £1m on prostitutes, gambling and reckless living, and they have 250K in the marital pot when this is discovered. Fair?

Person D married 30 years. Person E married 1 year. Person F has six children....

That's why fairness is so very subjective and 50/50 is only fair in the most unusual circumstances.

TryHarder I don't see why anyone would be advocating the wife to leave with the kids, go to a homeless shelter and take a couple of quid here and there when the kids have worn through their shoes...

Why would they?

"Leave the bastard and leave him with all the money. He might need it for his new wife and kids". Hahaha

Golden skin and utterly delcious? That's me, honey. How about you?

Is the motivation for your question as pure as the driven snow or the driven slush?

If the ex is the one who instigated the split why would you then try and take everything away from them that they owned prior to meeting former wife.

What did he own prior to meeting his stbx, how many years were they married, and how many dc are there?

I agree with Bertrand Russell here - what man is going to say " ooooh I really don't pay them enough ".
No, this 'she is taking me to the cleaner's' is a long running script of ex husbands is it not?
I am sure my ex thinks 'I took him to the cleaners' even though he got a flat out of it, and has not paid maintenance for years.
and OP, I would be very very wary of getting into a relationship with someone in the middle of a divorce and talking about his ex like that. It could be you next time.

On the one hand I think it's fair enough to go for everything you're entitled to - the courts are meant to decide what's fair if you go down that route

On the other hand I think it's a shame there often isn't enough residual care and respect remaining for separating couples to reach their own settlement, say with support from mediation

I also think separating couples should prioritise their children's well-being and welfare rather than being drawn into the agenda of fighting for assets often put to them by lawyers, who will have their own vested interests in the situation

Did you already say if he has kids? I might have missed it.

If I split with my DH and got 50/50 that would be blatantly unfair to me. I gave up my career (joint decision) to look after our children and support his career. We have three kids and my earning potential is severely compromised now whereas his isn't. I've missed years of pension contributions etc etc. 50/50 where one person has pretty much full-time care of the children is not a fair split.
What split is your partners ex after?

When split from exh I got nothing except the state legal minimum for DS.

That was fine by me, it suited my situation at the time. I just wanted gone as soon as was humanely possible!