taking a man 'to the cleaners' why???

[Ouchbloodyouch]

Surely they must have done something to 'deserve' it?
I'm in a fairly new relationship. Divorce going through (his). If the ex is the one who instigated the split why would you then try and take everything away from them that they owned prior to meeting former wife.
I'd like to think if I was ending a marriage then obviously I would want enough to give the children stability but this is beyond the pale. I appreciate I am only getting one version of events. He has either seriously done something bad or are there people who are out for every penny they can get?
No other red flags whatsoever btw.

My first marriage (no DC) ended in divorce.

During the marriage I earned about 30-45k p.a., he earned about 11k. We both worked fulltime, I did the majority of housework i.e. He in no way supported me to earn that salary. I paid all bills, mortgage etc. His entire salary (albeit a small one) he spent as pocket money on hobbies, CDs etc. He still mananged to run up a massive amount of debt. At one stage I took out a loan for him, low interest, to consolidate his debts. The agreement was he'd pay the £150 per month repayment. He never did, obviously I sucked it up. When he cheated and the marriage ended I put pressure on him to take out a loan in his name to repay the remainder of the loan in my name. Seems fair?

Yet I then discovered him on an internet forum (by sheer chance) bitching about me and how I'd "taken him to the cleaners" and how he was in debt because I was an "expensive bitch". He has a new wife and good friends too. OP, it's likely you have NO IDEA what went on and why she is entitled to what she is.

@fortunately

Its a shame I can't answer all the questions. I'm not being obtuse. Thanks to those who posted fairly without making assumptions and snide remarks. Time will tell...

It's really hard to comment on the info you've given. There certainly are circumstances when it would be fair for one partner to have considerably more than half - as others have said, often when they have been a SAHP and have sacrificed their career when the non SAHP's earning potential is unchanged. In other cases the ex might be vindictively trying to get more than their fair share. It's impossible to tell which this is.

I know plenty of men who give much more than the minimum to ensure a good quality of life for their child. That's the point of "how much" anyway isn't it? Making sure the child/children are well provided for as a priority.

the was for fortunately's earlier post but also applies to her post above.

Take heed of ^MrsCR*'s post, Ouch, and ask him show to you a copy of the divorce petition.

I would not be worrying as much about that. I would be looking at you instead and asking why you would want to be in a relationship who this man who is still in the process of divorcing.

Do you really think he is emotionally fully able to embark on yet another relationship?. I do not for one minute think that he is; you're probably the rebound person.

I think that many people would be happy to leave their ex very substantially worse off (take them to the cleaners) as recompense for a very bad deed.

My MIL (my husband's mother) advised me to take my dh (her son!) to the cleaners after he cheated on me when my kids were baby and toddler.

attila I'm having a lot of fun is why. If it ceases to be fun I shall quit.

You never know what your DP and his ex have done to each other. You might know the bones of it but you haven't lived it and there may be extreme bitterness and hatred.

I know men who pay more than the CSA calculation

"attila I'm having a lot of fun is why. If it ceases to be fun I shall quit".

So that is alright then because you're having fun?. He is not yet divorced so I am wondering why he has chosen now to embark on yet another relationship. I would be wondering whether he simply want a woman to care for him and not be alone?. He does not strike me as good relationship material.

I am also wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

I think you should keep well out of his divorce proceedings.

If you were in a relationship with my exh he would be giving you a sob story but his version of the truth is very different from mine.

I wonder lots:).

I know of only one woman who was vindictive when it came to the financial settlement but all the other people I know of who have separated never spoke (at least openly) about taking the other to the cleaners.

You only know what he has told you about the divorce, can he really be trusted?.

DHs ex 'took him to the cleaners' or rather he just let her have everything without a fight. She got the (his) house with 6 yrs left on the mortgage, which he paid for 2 more years. The car. The dog. The friends and the pitying looks. She also 'got' DSD and a decent amount of maintenance (more than CSA).

DH got two bin liners with all his clothes in and a photo album.

When he left the Army 6 years later she also wanted half his gratuity and his pension. Thankfully by then he'd met me and I pointed out that 1 - she wasn't entitled to half and 2 - what she'd had when they split was over double (in monetary terms) what she would have been entitled to.

DH pointing this out was enough for her to tell everyone that he'd left her destitute, screwed her over, didn't give her any money, neglected his child and so on.

If I had met him at that point I may well have believed her, thankfully by then I knew exactly what she was like and whilst DH wouldn't stick up for himself I was extremely vocal about the bollocks she was spouting. Eventually she stopped, but not before she lost all the friends she'd 'gained' during the divorce.

So yes, there are women out there that do it 'just because they can'. There isnt always a reason.

I know one man who is in every other way really sensible but who insisted, in fact still insists to this day, that £35 per week to his partner was incredibly generous.
He wanted a child. She gave up a decent job in banking to have a child with him.
He left before the child was three.
He was earning £120,000 plus bonuses. He saw his son on Sunday's. His ex did everything else whilst trying to hold down a job. He endlessly moaned and asked 'why does she want to destroy me?'

I had many conversations with him. It was a blind spot the size of the universe.

I'm pretty sure that I've probably been portrayed as "money grabbing" by my exH & I so often see this stereotype bandied about referring to ex wife's (alongside them often being made out to be unhinged).

I got what I deserved but also needed to care for our 2 kids. My exH is a high earner & can more than afford to pay what the mediation process decided was fair. But boy, does he play the financially struggling divorced man act very well - when in fact, I think he's mightily pissed off that his affair has cost him dearly - in terms of lifestyle, future options & just the fact that life is now complicated. He earns over £500 a day - I earn in a year what he earns in less than a month.

For what it's worth, it's really rather difficult to take someone to the cleaners unless you want to spend a small fortune on a solicitor & court costs.

Some of the posts here are way off the mark but I can't really contradict any as too identifying sadly

< sound of very large penny dropping >

Could it be 'too identifying' because his stbx posts here?

If so, and if you're who I think you are, he deserves to be taken to the cleaners, and to the launderette, and get soaked in the car wash for good measure [anger]

How do you have a lot of fun with someone going through a divorce. It's a very sad time to be going through something like that, and especially for the children.

Surely he has a lot of work looking for a new place to live etc too.
If you do want to know more about why the marriage broke up you would have to talk to his ex-wife.

Very highly unlikely that I would be in anyway connected with you goddess ive changed quite a lot of details and left a lot out as you know. But I have asked for this thread to be deleted. You are scaring me a bit!

I'm not an ex nor will I ever be one, Ouch, and I've certainly never been married to your new paramour.

You have nothing to fear except karma, nevertheless I'll be glad to see this thread go because if you are who I think you are it's an insult to a particularly good woman.

You are sounding unhinged. I asked a reasonable question. You were very rude from the outset.

anyone?

I think the expression "taking someone to the cleaners" is bandied about quite a bit but probably less often actually happens.

I hope my XH wouldn't ever use that phrase about me - we shared the cost of the divorce equally (didn't use a solicitor) and once I had had some free 30 min sessions with different solicitors I realised there was little financial sense in me persuing part of his pension. I did work part time and then basically stopped when the DC were younger, which was a joint decision but there it really was easier to walk away than spend money I dudnt have in persuing him for anything else. Plus I care more about my DCs relationship with their dad and didn't want any animosity between him and me to spoil that.

He frequently tells me that he doesn't have enough money despite earning much more than I do. He pays around the csa amount for child maintenance and graciously told me when I moved in with my DP that he wouldn't reduce it :)

He probably feels hard done by. But I woukd maintain that isn't the case.

Always two sides to every story.

I think you deserve a Ouch.

Very creepy stuff.