taking a man 'to the cleaners' why???

[Ouchbloodyouch]

Surely they must have done something to 'deserve' it?
I'm in a fairly new relationship. Divorce going through (his). If the ex is the one who instigated the split why would you then try and take everything away from them that they owned prior to meeting former wife.
I'd like to think if I was ending a marriage then obviously I would want enough to give the children stability but this is beyond the pale. I appreciate I am only getting one version of events. He has either seriously done something bad or are there people who are out for every penny they can get?
No other red flags whatsoever btw.

I've never met a divorced man who doesn't think his ex shafted him. Or a second wife who doesn't believe it.

Ouch - Why do you feel scared? You already said you have appreciated some comments.

Yes ouch, ill have one??

I'm not that scared honest . I do know for a fact that whoever goddess thinks I am I am definitely not! (Something she said in a post)

There are people at both ends of the spectrum. There are dads who pay nothing or hardly anything and think they are being ripped off. And there are women who take everything they're entitled to and genuinely do "take them to the cleaners".

The thing is, if you look at it from a "put the children first" perspective, there is no maximum limit on what the woman should take from the man, he should live in the cheapest possible accommodation and lifestyle and give all the rest of his money and assets to the woman and children, otherwise anything he's keeping for himself is selfish and not in the best interest of the child.

I agree that some women do seem to want to hurt the man via his finances. If women only got what they 'needed' then many would get a very small proportion of their husband's money - look at Heather Mills, sure she didn't need millions, the rest of us don't seem to....

In actual fact, if they are going through the court, the financial settlement is totally separate to any 'reason' for the split - so he could have shagged her pet donkey and it wouldn't mean he paid more. The reason for divorce is only there as a way to terminate the contract, and there are various ways to do that in law - adultery being one, unreasonable behaviour, split for two years etc. Sometimes one person agrees to have adultery put down for them even if they haven't done it so they can be sure the petition will be granted (though, frankly, judges are not really in the business of trying to keep unhappy couples together).

Financial settlements, maintenance, consent orders, alimony, spousal maintenance, clean break settlements etc are all separate to the actual divorce.

I agree that you cannot see this objectively from where you stand. I met a guy who was separated and going through divorce - not specially acrimonious, not really dragged out or anything - and I refused to have any financial link until the full divorce was through. Not that he was trying to make me have or pressurise me or anything like that, but there was no way I would even move in with him until the full divorce was sorted.

I know all the details of his divorce settlement because I have seen the documents. It's important to me to know about this as I needed to know what his financial future was , for example, if there was any chance she could come back and claim more (no) or claim his pension (no), because once we'd bought a house together I needed to know what our future might look like. But I am very financially minded so I wouldn't go into any relationship without lots of understanding about the money side.

Really stitch ? I've met a few where its all been ok. I even met one woman who ended up passing back some of her CSA money as she said it was too much even though it was originally acrimonious hence the CSA.

My dp doesn't think his ex 'shafted' him - they came to an agreed settlement where she got nearly all the house equity, he pays more than the CSA amount he would pay and last year he voluntarily increased it. He'll probably increase it again later this year.

I wouldn't get involved unless I knew why the marriage broke up, and I knew if he had good morals first and foremost. Finances don't bother me as I am an independent woman.

You are sounding unhinged. I asked a reasonable question. You were very rude from the outset

I'm far from being unhinged and it was obvious from the outset that it was highly unlikely you got the phrase 'taking a man to the cleaners' from the exw and more probable that this is how your paramour describes whatever the court has ordered by way of the 'financials'.

Again if you are who I think you are, he's only got himself to blame if his bank account is looking empty a tad depleted.

Have you twigged who you're drinking with, ladies? As far as I recall, you've all responded on the thread of the amazing woman who, I suspect, is the ex in question and Ouch has far more to fear from you than me

goddess you are being awful. Leave op alone ffs!

Arf at paramour, do you write smut in your spare time Goddess?

Ouch - you do seem very secretive, why the mystery? And why would you be a tiny bit scared anyway.
Strange post when people don't say their opinion.

Have you read the wild assumptions posted by Goddess, viridus?

I think goddess is onto something but I don't follow Relationships closely enough to know who she might be thinking of. It certainly fits with the bizarre cryptic (+ other adjectives) tone of the OP's posts.

I'm independent, that is why finances do bother me - I had an ex, not married and no kids, who tried to get money from me when we split up. I had put £20k down as the deposit for our house, plus paid all moving costs, and he left after ten months and tried to claim £20k from me.

I bought him out of the house for £2k in the end - he hadn't even paid 50% of the mortgage while we'd lived together nor paid much of our general living costs, nothing into our savings, nothing toward holidays or house repairs etc.

So, I'm really careful. To be fair, I was really careful then too, hence getting it sorted for £2k. We had a cohabitation agreement which prevailed and I had records of where all the money came from and who paid for what, who funded the joint account etc. The main issue came down to the three valuations I got for the house vs his understanding of house prices from the front page of The Sun!

If kids go to stay with their dad (or non-resident parent) regularly, he/she also needs to keep a roof over their heads to some extent, and pay for a house big enough for them to stay, and pay to heat that extra bedroom.

I know of women who have been awful moneygrabbers during a split (one was unfaithful too, and lied about domestic violence then retracted it) and others who have been really fair, one even despite having been cheated on.

Have only just realised that STBX isn't stupid bastard ex... Every days a school day.

Goddess, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. If Ouch was the other woman presumably she wouldn't need to ask the question?

This question:

He has either seriously done something bad or are there people who are out for every penny they can get?

I've never been ow. Hes been separated for a long time. I'm only being cryptic because if I say too much there is a chance...albeit a slight one that someone could recognise the situation. Or as goddess has done decide incorrectly that I am someone they know

Good band Paramour!

Taking someone to the cleaners is a well known phrase no? Some of you may not like it but it popped into my head. Apologies.

you also hear of wives divorcing their husbands with a goal of "getting their hands on HIS money".

Just because people say these daft things it doesn't mean it is a fair representation of any reality.

It does seem unlikely that from the limited details , in fact the incredibly limited details, that a passing poster knows exactly who the op is,

Unless there are secret signs of which I am unaware.

Either way, I don't think the relationship board is the place to be playing Miss Marple.

Ouch you could very well be dating my exH. He tells everyone what a bitch I and and how I am after his money.
What he fails to tell anyone is about the emotional abuse he put me through, the fact he said he was 'glad' I lost our baby and that he has never had DS overnight through his choice and now, when he wants him back, DSs choice. He also fails to tell anyone that for the first ten years we were together I was the major earner and on my went part time on his suggestion when his job changed as we both felt out DS was missing out. He earns four times more than me and when he was a low earner training for his new role I even paid maintenance for his DS with his ex wife.
His friends seem nice but are really it and have made my and my sons life hell since the split, revelling I their 15 minutes of small town fame and welcoming his new gf whilst saying how common she is behind her back.
When I met him he told me his ex wife wanted to ruin him, was a bitch etc etc. I now question if any of that was true!
Two wives, two affairs, two abandoned kids and two wives left with debt. Yet he is clever enough to get sympathy of people!
There are two sides to his story OP