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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
tribpot · 31/05/2015 18:55

Even though it seems like your kindness has backfired, you've done a great thing in helping someone escape from an abusive relationship, spotty.

MyRightFoot · 31/05/2015 18:55

op, she clearly doesnt want to speak to you. its very sad that a good friendship may now end. when my best friend went off with my op, it was a
double whammy. but you know, i then looked back over the friendship, and there were red flags that i had ignored. maybe your friendship can be saved if she recognises she is way out of line. you have been a great friend and she needs to recognise that.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 18:56

She couldn't have been naked expecting DH! her kids were awake and waving to me from the kitchen window!
At least I fucking hope she wouldn't be or she is more messed up than I thought...

OP posts:
bjrce · 31/05/2015 18:57

Hi Op,

Is there a possibility that she might get nasty with you?
I ask this based on her treatment of you yesterday and her being forward enough to continue to text your H as if you didn't matter. This would make me very annoyed.
If you are going to speak with her, you know her better than anyone here.
It does appear she is angry that you have coped onto her, knowing that she won't be able to maintain the "Relationship" with your DH.

I really would want to break ties with this person, she has shown absolutely no respect for you.
I would nearly go down the route of not confronting her and breaking all ties.
You don't need this aggro.

OhDearMuriel · 31/05/2015 18:57

How could you ever trust her again?
A good MN saying is: "where there is no trust, there is dust."
IMO do not feel guilty about dropping her (if that is what you want to do), she brought it all on herself - and that goes for her having been in an abusive relationship or not.

wannaBe · 31/05/2015 19:07

op, are you absolutely sure this woman has actually been in an abusive relationship? She sounds incredibly manipulative.

Either way, if i were your dh I would block and remove her number and would have nothing more to do with her.

even if she has been a victim in the past this doesn't excuse her behavior now.

hedgehogsdontbite · 31/05/2015 19:09

Don't do anything drastic if you're not sure. Keep you distance for a while and give yourself time to process what has happened and go from there.

You and your DH do sound like lovely caring people. I suspect your friend is so messed up that she has totally misread the situation and has not only made a fool of herself but has pushed you away when she probably needs you most. It's kind of sad really.

bringbacksideburns · 31/05/2015 19:15

You don't have to engage at all. By keeping your distance she will soon get the message. If she directly contacts you about something make excuses. It's up to your DH to now set the line firmly in the sand. He's the stay at home parent and he is the one she is constantly texting. When she contacts him again he can give her a date and time when he collects the mower. If she tries to invite him in etc or spark up further convo then he polite but firm and leaves. Any further contact from her to him and he says ' please stop with the constant texting. We were happy to help and support you but we now need breathing space. I wish you all the best for the future.'

Justusemyname · 31/05/2015 19:27

I'm sorry you've had all this crap to deal with, OP. I hope you get your mower back okay. Maybe have someone check it over before you use it.

OhDearMuriel · 31/05/2015 19:28

Hedgehog - I think OP has processed what has happened. It is not rocket science. It makes me wonder at which point you would give up a friend or should I say enemy like this - would it be once she managed to successfully get her feet under the kitchen sink?
This women has pushed the boundary way way too far, and lost any right to further help, friendship and support. There is no excuses for her behavour.
The OP needs to look after herself and hers now.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 20:14

Iv just been round after putting my little one down to sleep to fetch the mower. It was where I left it so its back home now and she will have to do without. House seemed empty which I'm kind of glad about tbh.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/05/2015 20:15

Did she appear to have mown her own grass, Spotty? Bet not.

Maybe she'll have got the message now, hope so.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 20:21

No, I don't think she had. Mower hadn't moved.

OP posts:
Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 20:22

Anyone know how to block numbers on a Samsung galaxy? Do we need an app?

OP posts:
MyRightFoot · 31/05/2015 20:22

I spent a year in a womens refuge and met all kinds of women. about 95 per cent of them had no interest in men, certainly in the first six months to 12 months of leaving. the five per cent who were interested were alcoholics or histrionic type women.

ScorpioMermaid · 31/05/2015 20:33

Spotty, more mines flat Atm but I do believe you go long hold on her number and a menu pops up, it's on there. Depends on the model though. I've had a s3 now s5 both a bit different. Hth if not, Google will know xx

HappySunflower · 31/05/2015 20:34

This link might help
m.wikihow.com/Block-a-Number-on-Android

ScorpioMermaid · 31/05/2015 20:35

Well that was slightly gobbledegook.. Stupid iPad ??

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 20:44

Thanks Scorpio and Happy

OP posts:
StonedGalah · 31/05/2015 21:12

Just read whole thread. Wow.

Sorry your good intentions were taken wrong OP.

tribpot · 31/05/2015 21:20

Could someone else take over being her 'safe word' keeper? I understand why you might want to block her (I'm guessing from DH's phone) but it would be dreadful if she thought she couldn't text someone in an emergency.

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2015 21:21

She's a real idiot. she could do with all the friends she can get right now.

YonicScrewdriver · 31/05/2015 21:41

Agree with trib pot, well done on helping her get away OP.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 31/05/2015 21:51

And fwiw I don't suspect your husband in the slightest - you have both been kind and unfortunately it backfired - shame as she needs friends like you

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 31/05/2015 22:35

Yes can you let her know to give someone else her safe code? Just in case?