Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you end a fledgling relationship over this?

248 replies

FolkGirl · 25/05/2015 10:56

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months. A couple of weeks ago i was unsure if I should end it over my own insecurities for his sake. I tried to, he became upset and persuaded me that I need to take a chance on another person at some point and that he was only interested in me. I'm going to preface this with the tired description of him as a really sweet guy, loads of friends close to his family, very respectable yada yada that I know means nothing.

So a couple of conversations/throwaway comments over the last week have made me question things. Again.

My boundaries are a bit shit, so I'm trying to work on those and it's finding the balance between, "you deserve better than that" and "fgs, FG, he's only human!".

So...

A comment that when he and his wife were still together, he and a couple of his friends/colleagues really fancied a very attractive woman at work and they used to flirt with/talk about her (I can imagine what was said). Basically, being a bit lechy. He said they were all in relationships so there was no intent there. And when they realised just how much younger she was, it felt a bit wrong. "Just harmless banter" though. Just feels very disrespectful to the young woman and his wife, although sthe woman flirted too. We all flirt at work a little, but it just felt a bit seedy. Timescales wise this would have been about 3 years ago. But he will still meet a lot of new young very attractive women. It goes with the job. Not sure I want to be with someone who is looking and flirting that openly.

In same conversation, he said it was hard letting go of wanting to be with a young (e.g. 25 yo) woman. He's early 40s. He said that (before meeting me, of course...) he had to remind himself that that attractive young woman he'd just seen wouldn't be interested so he had to look at older women seriously instead. I kind of feel like I've been 'settled for' because he's realised he can't do any better and get the sort of woman he wants anymore (which is one of my big hang ups because I was told that was all I'd ever be good for).

There are a couple of other little things that just don't sit quite right with me. But I don't know if that's just me and I have impossibly unrealistic expectations, or what!

So if this were you, what would you do?

Am I being unrealistic?

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 26/05/2015 20:13

wow what a cock! Still at least your intuition was right.

Gilrack · 26/05/2015 20:28

Oh, good grief, what a berk Angry

Yup! Decision made! Give those instincts of yours a Star and spend the next few days treating You as well as you deserve ... which is incredibly well, with loving care & maximum appreciation.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 26/05/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/05/2015 21:57

What a dirty old perv.

HelenaDove · 26/05/2015 22:04

In thirty years time this guy is going to be a real life version of Albert Steptoe eyeing young women up through his wire rimmed glasses while leaning over his zimmer frame trying not to fall over.

Yep Decision made OP Thanks Fucking twunt

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/05/2015 22:34

I'm honestly starting to wonder if this is my ex h. This is the sort of shit he would spout. His head would be on a swivel in the summer oggling women.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 27/05/2015 07:36

Are you ok, FG?

GrumpleMe · 27/05/2015 07:49

Yes, as everyone has said... It's not you, it's him. Angry

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 09:58

Hi

I am. I've been talking to a friend this morning who thinks he is probably being a little rude but that I'm looking for something that doesn't exist if I expect a man not to be like this. :(

I didn't say anything. No. I felt too embarrassed :(

If it weren't for this he'd be perfect for me.

I'm on an odd position of not feeling like I can realistically expect/deserve any better, but not being prepared to put up with it either.

My friend is worried I'll end up alone and lonely. At the moment that doesn't sound too bad.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 27/05/2015 10:09

Your friend has low expectations and your mother was vile.

Dump him and perhaps take some time out from dating to work on your issues.

Gilrack · 27/05/2015 10:19

Exactly! Which is worse: riding gloriously on your own horse towards your own horizons, or trailing limply after someone who keeps letting you know he can't see how fab you are?

It's not either/or, anyway. There are plenty more dickheads on the shitheap Wink and several lovely blokes who actually want a woman like you!

He's told you who he is, and shown you. He is a self-aggrandising misogynist. You deserve much better.

Gilrack · 27/05/2015 10:20

:)

would you end a fledgling relationship over this?
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/05/2015 10:24

No man is better than the wrong man.

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 10:25

Oh my mother was undoubtedly vile.

She said some terrible things over the years. But I'm nc with her now.

My friend believes that men are hardwired this way and it doesn't detract from how they feel about their partner.

But I'm not sure I want to be with a man of that's what they're like.

She also thinks the stuff in the op is because he feels comfortable and wants to be honest with me. She thinks I should find the compliment in it and not feel threatened.

OP posts:
Gilrack · 27/05/2015 10:28

Compliment Hmm

"I'd rather have a 23-year-old. Any 23-year-old. But I can't get one, so you'll do."

Cheers. I'd rather have a lightly sautéed frog with garlic butter.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/05/2015 10:37

Your friend is nuts. My dh does not behave like that. Not ever and nor do most men I know and I have had relationships with.

I once lived with a man who has behaved rather like your fella. He was emotionally immature, controlling and with misogynistic tendencies. He was also throughly nice to most people most of the time because the opportunities to be a disrespectful arse are limited in most social situations - he was either on best behaviour because he knew the behaviour would be socially unacceptable in that context or with his mates who behaved in a similar way (note not all his mates were like this and he would modify his behaviour). It came out a lot with me because he had barely any respect for me or women in general.

The whole time we were together I was aware I was second best to the women he perved over (women who would never look twice at him of course). I felt unhappy or uneasy a lot of the time and it wasn't until I left him and looked back I realised how inappropriate much of his behaviour was and at the time I mostly felt frustration, rage or worn down but couldn't pin point what it was that made me feel this way.

I had had successful, happy relationships before so it wasn't that I didn't know what those could be like but more that I lost my perspective when caught up in the middle of it.

My dh is not the sort of man I would usually have gone for (on paper at least). He is a good man and we have a mutual respect.

Find a good man. You deserve one.

laurierf · 27/05/2015 10:37

My friend believes that men are hardwired this way and it doesn't detract from how they feel about their partner

Hardwired to blatantly check other women out in your presence, lingering on them and actively leaning across you to check them out??! Hmm

No.

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 10:41

Yeah, that's pretty much it. She thinks I should see him still choosing me as a bit of a boost to my confidence. As in, I like hot 25 year olds, and I still like you.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/05/2015 10:43

What's her relationship like? She sounds a bit "cool wife" to me.

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 10:46

I don't want to run her down. She just has different levels of tolerance to me and she likes very 'blokey' men so I guess it goes with the territory a bit. And she's far more confident in herself generally than I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 10:52

She's single.

OP posts:
Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 10:56

I don't want to criticise her. She's fab! I'm just trying to make sense of the differing viewpoints.

I know that ultimately it's up to me. It's just about knowing whether my feelings are unrealistic and, therefore I'm never going to be happy amd I need to adjust them. Or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 10:58

I suppose there's more at stake here than just my relationship, or not, with this man.

OP posts:
laurierf · 27/05/2015 10:59

Folk - there are enough of us here telling you our partners do not do this to us to show you it is realistic. I don't know about the other posters, but I'm not a supermodel.

Twinklestein · 27/05/2015 11:03

Your friend may be fab but she's not got a clue about men.

Swipe left for the next trending thread