HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

braving we had a heated discussion about university and maintenance. He has agreed to carry on financing older 2 currently at uni BUT they will be able to get loan/grant to live on going forward of around 7k each - much more than at present. We are going to work out what they reasonably need on top of that and he will provide. I'm not going to receive maintenance for them. H's sol said he should pay maintenance directly to Ds2 once school finished. I pointed out that I still needed a home for him/them and that he probably wouldn't need it as his grant/loan would be calculated on my income and not his. H backed down and so has agreed to pay maintenance to me until he is 21 or finished uni. I will top up from maintenance as necessary.

I'm quite a newbie to all this though bobs the uni expert.

And I see she's posted.

I've just had a good cry about everything. How can someone, as Hobbit said this morning stand by and watch someone's distress time and time again? I don't want to say any more about it. I just know that I want a total break from the past. The magnitude of what he left me to deal with, in every sense of the word, I don't think I can ever get my head round it. Same as all of us, I suppose, all in different ways, but the result is one almighty Headfuck.

All this started when I was having a sort out of the garage. I've made good progress there. I'm making good progress with the decorating and the sorting out. I was feeling positive about things earlier. Then it just hit me.

Fuck sake, this shit hits on allsorts of levels.

oh izzie Yes, and when we least expect it. You're an amazing lady - don't let the bugger grind you down xx

Thank you 1 and iwas. You've both started me crying again. You are both amazing women, so kind and caring. I just can so relate to that post of Hobbit's. And I totally get how she feels

Posting this because I find the lyrics resonate so much.

No Regrets, Robbie Williams

Izzie Unfortunately they don't just "stand by" - they remove themselves totally so they don't have to take any responsibility for or need to face up to the unhappiness they have caused.

Bet you haven't eaten properly - get some food down you girl

H is sending dd chirpy emails, while still pretending to be busy working all week (I'd be my pension he's gone away for the week), twat.

He knows she's struggling (his mother drummed that into him the other day) and yet he's still disappeared for a week. He's got a lot of work to do to build bridges with dd, including being much more pleasant to me, but still puts himself first.

Just come onto this thread now as am really really struggling to keep going. I asked my "d"p to leave 3 months ago as he had been having an online affair, telling me it was because I didn't make him my priority.

When I found out he ended it with her ( I find it unbelievable he was willing to give everything up for somebody he had never even met) but despite assuring me it was all over he had started it all over again when I believed we were really trying to start again.

Despite the fact he now has his freedom he hasn't actually gone to her and is living with a friend although I have heard from a reliable source that he is still regularly in touch with her.
I am eaten up with bitterness and jealousy and just can't see a happy future at the moment.

Pressed Send too soon.
I have 2 small children and am struggling to get through the day although I have a fantastic support network.
Why didn't he tell me he was unhappy rather than clicking on a chat line and getting drawn into a relationship with somebody 20 years younger than me?
He has lost his house, his income ( we ran a business together) and my loyal and steadfast love. For what? What was the point? He still hasn't met up with her.
I have lost 2 stone and once the children are in bed I just cry and cry. I don't even want him back but I wake up every morning and wish he was lying next to me.

Cornish Welcome, we've all asked virtually the same questions, unfortunately there's no good answer. I can vouch that it does get easier but it takes time. There's lots of support here, you've come to the right place

Apologies Cornish but just to finish my rant, H just messaged me to ask if dd wanted a chat so I quickly suggested she'd face time him from her ipad, and he is definitely on holiday, she asked him where he was and he said he was at the pub because it's a nice evening, but we could both see he's at a holiday park, with the bitch and her offspring in a caravan I part own. So he's lied to her face twice in two days, because he's spineless and he's a liar. How can he recreate our family holidays with them?

So he chips further away at the reasonableness of my settlement offer.

oops didn't mean to suggest any illegal activity! Obviously I have used the wrong terms here as we didn't do it illegally so it must have been the way described - son as main driver and us oldies added on to bring down the policy.

braving rest assured he's ringing your DD because he's on holiday with someone else's children and they're probably tired this time of day and quite crabby and annoying and so he's taken himself off to ring his own child - one with whom he can genuinely connect with. It WILL NOT BE all rosy in the garden. Camping/caravaning with your own children isn't always easy - with someone else's - a different ball game altogether.

izzie 30 years is a lifetime. You were married for 30 years. You're much too hard on yourself. (Hug)

Kindness - the new enemy- I have to keep reminding my boss at work not to be kind - what are we like - one kind word and there we go again...

cornish My first post was all about HOW COULD HE? I still don't know. Trying to fathom the unfathomable is exhausting and debilitating. No words can make it better but time does improve things. Please believe that. Your children need you more than ever now. You've come to the right place.

wise here's hoping the fraud squad aren't already en route

Well, up rocks hobbit to the bar, orders up a pint of Pinot Grigio, and says to braving , you know how he can lie to his child my love?
Because he's a complete cunt!
No reasonableness needed, the man is a twat of the highest order, you, on the other hand are far too good to him, he needs a reminder of his responsibilities as a father.

1 He probably realises we've worked it out, hopefully that'll ruin his holiday more than if I tell him we know. If that makes any sense.

Just had a cry, haven't cried for ages, just upset he's lying to dd really, i don't actually care what he's doing.

hobbit spot on as always. We should hire you out. With the commission we'd all earn on your appearance fees all the Twunts could bugger off to Twuntsville and we'd never have to worry about maintenance/spousal again

Hobbit She's so precious and he's in danger of losing her, twat.

braving We can all tell that he's the loser - as they all are. Your dd has you - she lucked out there.x

Welcome, cornish my darling, not the most exclusive bar, but unfortunately well attended.
It seems even more difficult to understand someone throwing away their lives as they have known them, for a 'virtual' stranger. Someone in cyberspace, who he would have no real connection with when they actually meet. I am so sorry you are in this situation, the man is a deluded fuckwit.
We are here for you, hold your children close, accept all the RL help offered, I don't understand what he has done, so it must be shockingly unfathomable for you.
Sending you (((((hugs)))))

It will be his greatest loss, braving my love, the sad bastard doesn't even realise she is his most precious prize, and he won't regret it until it is too late.

I would let him know that you have both worked out where he is and who he is with, < but then I'm a contrary bitch>

Lying to his child, and for what? A jolly holiday in a caravan, with someone else's kids, what a pathetic specimen,