HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

iwas my parents have had their ups and downs but I can't recall my dad ever making mum cry - other than tears of laughter. HRT has been a miserable role model for my sons in so many ways. They are however both gentle beings. I don't see him in them. Eldest son could be my brother - makes me double take sometimes and youngest a mix between my dad and H's dad. Both fine men. Phew.

Welcome cornish. So sorry you're here though.

I asked myself the same questions. How could he do that to us? Why? It was agonising.

I came to the conclusion that it's because he's a selfish, entitled bastard. I'm much, much better off without him, but coming to that realisation was long and painful.

This bar is a good place to come, there is much wisdom, experience and humour here. You can rant, vent, sob and swear here. Eventually you can laugh too, and begin to recover. What's more, no-one on here comes out with that "Not the OW's fault, she's made no vows to you" crap. A considerable plus.

Thanks Rozalea and Hobbit. You are right, it's not a club I ever thought I would be a member of!
I was a loyal and faithful partner all these years. I couldn't have looked him in the eyes if I had been doing the same thing as he did. Chatting and phoning for hours and hours over a couple of months whilst I was in bed or out shopping or whatever. He had planned to leave me the week I found out. He then said it had been a terrible mistake, he had been in a fantasy land. I gave him another chance but he restarted it again a few weeks later. It was like having the knife twisted in my gut all over again.
How the hell could he have told her he loved her on the strength of her voice and a few photos?
How the hell could she allow herself to devastate 2 young children by allowing this to happen?

He still sees the children a couple of times a week and my stomach still flips when I see him. What exactly does he have to do to make me hate him? No, I shouldn't use that word. I just want to wake up and feel indifferent. I suppose it's early days yet.
And I am obsessed with thinking about this ow. What does he talk to her about, does he still tell her he loves her even though he still hasn't met her? I can't bear the thought that he uses the same familiar tone he used to use with me.

Cornish Unfortunately his behaviour in the coming weeks and months will kill any feelings you have left for him.

The ow isn't worth the head space, assuming she knows his situation she's a self centred worthless bitch.

It is a fantasy, just that my love, not a relationship. You can say anything and be anything online, it's just an ego boost for him to speak to a young girl on a chat line. It sounds like typical MLC behaviour, but that doesn't make it ant less distressing and painful for you to deal with.

It's like you're competing with a ghost, someone you no nothing about. He has exchanged real life, with all its challenges and complexities for a mythical ideal. I think he needs a wake up call, to remind him what he's going to lose, his 'real' family.

I used to do the same thing cornish, obsess over him and her, what they said and did, how and why. Just about drove myself insane. I'd walk for miles in the forest, so caught up in thinking about them, I might as well have been in a cave.

I'd tell myself I could think about them until so many trees ahead, then I'd stop. I'd do it over and over, trying to control my thoughts.

But time did the main work, now I think they deserve each other. Not that they're together. STBXH is filled with regret and sorrow. Too bad.

Oh Cornish, there are no answers. As or how they can lie with ease, I have no idea. I think the lack of loyalty hurts the most. The OW sees all my texts/emails. Why do I care?

Have spent money I don't have this eve. Online shopping for face stuff. Maybe it will make me feel better about myself?

Work have refused me holiday this half term as I still have not caught up on all the work that has piled up when off sick. Not sure that is legal but I suspect that teaching is an exception. It seems to be an exception all the time. Makes little difference in some ways, I have to get the work marked whatever else is happening in life. Just cross as would a) get more done at home and b) would be at home with son and dog.

That's shit, fuckit my love, just piling in with their supportive actions aren't they? Keep fighting my sweetheart, for you .

bobs thank you. Sometimes I forget the reasons why they do things. Yes it's less about dropping me in it re the work involved etc, and more about him being a coward and running away from facing up to what he's left behind. I must remember, it's his anadequacies. When I get overwhelmed with the scale of things to be done, I forget that.

1 I know what you mean about 30 years. I just feel that I had a long lead up to him leaving, and that maybe I've served my time. I feel that I should have done the "your leaving devastates me* and be onto "relieves me". Totally unrealistic. I think a lot of my problem is also who he is with. He couldn't have picked a more vile specimen. The thought of her still being in my life by default, I just can't bear it. That's one of the reasons I want him out of my life permanently. He knows as well as I do that there will never be any acceptance of her from anyone living here, and that, in my case, it severely curtails any chance of a civil "relationship". I judge people by the company they keep. That says it all. Sorry I'm rambling there.

1 and iwas you made me cry because you cared. I felt such utter rejection at times, and the ghosts of the past were in attendance when you replied. They were tears of happiness, in a way. Thank you xx

I've been sorting through bits tonight, all those cables and computer bits that mean sod all to me. I've also cleared more space in cupboard to pile up his stuff. I will bag it when I know he's coming over. There is no reason for a visit unless he wants that stupid permit, so I don't want stuff lying around in bin bags, as I'm trying to clear my bedroom for decorating. It's turned into a junk room. In a way I'm quite pleased at that, as it sort of demolished the room. It will be totally new when done, floorboards varnished dark instead of light. It's one of the few rooms where I'm painting the ceiling. It didn't need doing in that room, but I wanted absolutely everything obliterated. I may change the light too. Another skill to be added! Anyway, the point is, I'm doing a Braving and getting more stuck in to the clearance.

Cornish what a total mindfuck for you with this internet thing. It's just barmy. Hobbit has said it all.

Fuckit what Hobbit said

Tonight is the first time for ages, months, since I've kept working really late. I feel I went right back to the beginning. Yes, it's the clearing out that has done it. The only consolation with the clearing out is that I know he doesn't like me loading his stuff onto him. He feels pushed out. That's what happens when you bugger off to live with a vile OW. I've not been too proactive in this area before, mainly because he's being ok financially. But it's nearly 7 months now and I need to move on, and I would be having a sort out anyway, it was on the agenda. But who cares what he thinks, he should have bigger issues on his mind, such as the fact that his only contact with his sons is via text.

Izzie been worrying about you, pleased you sound in a better place than earlier.

I know you've found it hard that he didn't stay and try and work through things but took the easy way out rather than face up to everything.

There is no right or wrong timescale to all of this. You feel how you feel and that is the only right way for any of us. I can understand from what you have said about OW in your situation how her involvement makes it so much harder for you than say it is for me in that situation.

I am sorry you feel utter rejection. I would think it's horrendous to feel like that. I can't compare my own situation as they are different but I know I have spent a lot of time wondering what was so wrong with me that Sid cheated as much as he did.

Pleased you have had a productive evening, look after yourself xx

Are you okay? xx

Thanks I've just sent a PM x will post more in a min

Sorry you are having a tough night tonight izzie you know it's fine just to be sad about everything, we never wanted or asked for any of this, and you do so well being strong and upbeat and supporting the rest of us on here. Take a moment for yourself and congratulate yourself for everything you have achieved and everything you are.

I did feel utter rejection at times. I know in my head, though, that it was him, not me. But sometimes the brain isn't in gear. It hadn't occurred to me that you would feel as you do. Sid was just after a series if cheap thrills. And men like that look outside of the marriage. It's no reflection on you, my love. Xx

Thank you cassa. I just can't deal with this at the moment. Christ, what is wrong with me?? I'm usually the first person to say you need to let all the grief out. I don't know if I'm holding it back or whether it's just come back to bite me with the clearing today. Your post started me off again. Fuck sake, I don't want to feel like this any more. Thank you for what you said. I think I just need a big hug tonight. Kids are in bed. Christ, now I remember how all the newbies feel, not believing it will get better. I've been having a lot of flashbacks clearing out. It's horrible.

izzie I'm in a clearing out stage too - and it's amazing how it sets you back completely. There are things I'm selling right now that he bought days before he left...

It makes no rhyme or reason, really, does it. But I'm also in my own mad way reasoning that there's an finite amount of tears that can be shed, just like there's an finite amount of water that can be wrung out of a sponge. Once they are gone completely, they are gone. So having a good old sob is fine, it really is.

Cornish if you can, imagine all the ways he's treated you like shit, all the crap things he's every said or done. And then imagine that he'll do it to her. All he ever learnt was how to lie, cheat and get away with it. Where's his motivation for stopping that? There's none. But if she's prepared to have a relationship with a liar and a cheater, then more fool her. And he will.

And no, on this thread, we aren't going to 'excuse' the OW for having an affair with a married man. Because whatever bullshit he's telling her now...is the same bullshit that we fell for. Y'know the 'happy ever after bollocks' (not the 'my wife doesn't understand me crap...). Difference is I know that the emotional pain and suffering is so acute, that I couldn't inflict that on someone. I'd feel less remorse if I actually thumped them. (And that would be unacceptable!!).

Spidey welcome to the thread. I was just thinking today that the physical pain is nowhere near constant anymore, it doesn't mean it doesn't come back...but it's not there all the time. But at two months, I'm afraid I can't remember much other than the pain. I certainly didn't have anything by way of motivation either, so don't think you're behaving any differently to anyone else with severe heartbreak. There's no magic wand to take it away, but keeping busy and when you can force yourself to get out of the house, it does help. But if you're still in the sofa reclining position...then don't give yourself a hard time. We all know that time heals. If that time is spent lying on a sofa. So be it.

Wise I have manic giggles at you trying to criminalise us all!

The one bright thing, yet again, is that I haven't felt tempted to text him. I could have done so, letting him know just how much I have been left to do etc. But no. I'm not going to give him any "reason" to justify what he's done. He can sit there knowing that his sons are now just words on a phone screen, and that they will not ever visit him whilst he is with her. They won't even send a card to where he is. He also knows that I made huge efforts to improve things over recent years, and that I have made it crystal clear that the marriage failed because of his false sense of obligation to a vile specimen hell bent on destroying his family to get him. One day, he will realise that I was right. The same as everyone else has said. Stupid fucking idiot.

WWK
But I'm also in my own mad way reasoning that there's an finite amount of tears that can be shed, just like there's an finite amount of water that can be wrung out of a sponge. Once they are gone completely, they are gone. So having a good old sob is fine, it really is

I have used that phrase, finite amount of tears, so many times, in various situations. I'm a firm believer in it. I'm so glad you said that because if you say it, it must be so . I was doubting it earlier. Thank you

Izzie sending you lots of big hugs and I'm so sorry you're struggling. The clearing out and seeing stuff with memories attached isn't helping. I need to go to bed now but I hope tomorrow is a better day. Thank you for your kindness as ever. KOKO sweetheart xx and hugs

Spidey yes the first two months for me were very difficult, physically, emotionally, whatever. After that I found this thread. That was in January. I'm nearly seven months in, will be at the end of the month. There are plenty on here at the same stage as you, as well as others further ahead. I think you have the best of both on here. Keep posting, venting. It really does help. And you feel "normal" on here, especially in the early times when it feels like you're inhabiting a parallel universe. Do whatever it takes to get you through each day, just focus on that for now. I'm having a shit time today, but overall I'm very much on the up. Take care babe xx

Thank you iwas, big hugs to you too. I will head up shortly. I hate getting up late. Yes, I agree with Sid on that score!