HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

1 I would ensure you get legal advice regardless but it can happen that they are reasonable about finances. Sid has been more than fair throughout and we have agreed the finances/splitting of assets between us although I have run everything past my Solicitor before saying yes.

I think he feels a bit guilty and he said as the mother of his children and the fact they mainly live with me he didn't want me worrying about money. We've both wanted to avoid running up huge legal bills and neither of us wanted to drag it on for longer than necessary.

I think his attitude has also been helped by the fact that we are quite fortunate financially so we will both end up with a mortgage free property. OW is also quite well off as she inherited a few years ago so he's not had pressing financial concerns. I think that's helped quite a lot with his attitude. I think in different circumstances he would have had a different attitude.

Wise I have my own car so can't put myself as main driver of another car. She's with admiral ATM but her renewal is £200 more than cheapest.

Guess I could look ay adding DD2 to mine

Watching Mrs Caldecott's Cabbage Wars on Ch 5....karma's a bitch

bobs whose car will DD2 be driving? You have to be very careful about "fronting" nowadays.

DS1 has his own car. At the time we did Admiral multi car. Three cars, each had to have a different main driver.

A tip for keeping insurance costs down for youngsters is to add a parent as a named driver. But the main driver must be the person whom actually mainly drives the car.

bobs DS1 is with Admiral, as I said. Interestingly, when he had his renewal quote through I did a number of searches for quotes. I then did a quote for Admiral, as though he were a brand new customer. The system recognised his details, but the quote was actually cheaper than the renewal quote.

bobs when the renewal letter came through from admiral, it was more expensive but when I rang and said we'd be cancelling they reduced it.....

Bobs- it's not a full refund I don't think but say the quote is 52 weeks, the majority is refunded - well 50/52 for 2 weeks etc.

iwas good to know they don't all fight tooth and nail.

I'm putting his proposal to my solicitor on Thursday. I guess, it's easier to be more 'generous' if there are less financial restraints. Slightly less to worry about. I'm concerned as I'm moving out but the plan is that he raises the cash if he can and buys me out of our house. It will have to be in instalments and I'm worried he won't be able to raise the money. He doesn't want to sell up. He recognises that he might have to though and I'm happy to leave all that to him. He must love all that mowing to want to stay......I won't be mortgage free if I want to buy again but with my salary, lump sums from H, and maintenance for DS2 until 21 (he's 15) I'm hoping I'll be ok. Not what I'd planned though

1 so it costs you £45 pw to insure DS in his own car when he's home? Problem is they are home for 5 months of the year potentially!!!

Iz as I said to wise I am the only driver of my car so would never front on DD1's car. I am named driver on hers and will probably add her boyfriend as this seems to make no difference to the cost.

DD2's renewal is £610, but can get equivalent with Endsleigh for £370. However we then have to change the uni student status to bar work status and that bumps it up. Admiral didn't even show up on the price comparison website.

We have so many things against us atm - living in a crappier area, having to park on the road etc.

We've got all of our car and household insurance with a local company so can't help much there. We're one of those that some companies probably love as we have stayed with the same company and have never shopped around. Is it a lot cheaper online?

DD is not 17 until August and she's that desperate to learn she's already got Sid to take her out in her brother's car a few times so she can get familiar with changing gear and the pedals before she can actually go on the road.

Do you like my ditty about Sid?:

I wish I had a penny for every time you lied
I wish I had a pound for every time I cried
But my life is richer even though I have nothing
For I would rather have nothing than stay married to you.

I loved it on your thread iwas

Have now given up on the garden, I am aching in places I shouldn't ache, have a massive bag of a variety of overgrown shit, tons of brambles I fought and WON! YEAH! ..well we will see tomorrow morning when I have to get up for work. Big day tomorrow so have to be at my best. Glad last nights hangover didn't last too long (forcing myself to drink two pints of water before I went to bed was a very very good idea)

When I think about Mr Misery guts now, its all about how is he ever going to accept we are totally over and I want a divorce? Ive read too much about ex partners who just don't let go, at all. I am actually seriously worried he will be like one of those men

On reflection, I'm not in a hurry to get divorced to be fair. I can wait it out for two years and get it done automatically. Do I need to get a legal separation done first though?

Iwas Love it, absolutely, totally Love it.

Excellent xXx

Yes Bobs 45 pw but...... When he's home now for summer I'll put him on for 3 months which will be 3/12 of annual premium. The cheapest way would be the on/off scenario and getting a pro rata refund probably. £600 ish seems quite reasonable by comparison to some...

Me well done on the gardening - together with the sun it gives such a good feel-good factor

2 yr separation still has to be agreed by both parties. We did it, but it was touch and go if the judge would approve it. It's more easily provable if you are living apart. Also depends on if you want all the finances sorting now.

iwas . You'll still show up in the name you used on your thread

Nearly 6pm. Think it's time for this

bobs what a good idea

Weekend nearly over....phew (sorry to those who love weekends)

I've been looking at the worst case scenario in terms of re-mortgaging, ideally I'd like the mortgage paid off before dd leaves school so I'll be able to help her with University costs, even if H agrees to pay maintenance while she's still in education, I'm assuming he'll pay it to her directly once she leaves school, or if it comes straight to me still I'll effectively be passing it onto her for rent etc.

Presumably I need to get that agreed now, in terms of how long he'll pay for and who it's paid to, any advice?

I managed to motivate myself to go shopping with dd, I bought a new watch and kept the old one H bought me, I'll probably give it to dd when she's a bit older, along with the diamond earrings I've already replaced. There's only £55 left on the card now so a reasonable result.

me no you don't need to do anything. I can't remember your circumstances, but you can get a financial settlement if you want, but still don't need to go down divorce route.

Braving in sorting out finances I would simply request/ state that you would like child maintenance paid till the end of tertiary education (uni) which might be 3 or 4 yrs depending on the course. Easier if it's paid to you as students spend 7 months at uni and 5 months at home. This is becoming more and more the norm.