HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Hi green I know how you feel. I still love my H even though he has been nothing but cold ever since he told me it was over. I would have him back like a shot, but I know that will never happen. He has told me in clear terms it is over and he doesn't want to come back. It's the fact that he has so easily been able to switch off all emotion towards me that hurts the most, after many years together.

I've had a horrible weekend. He has the DCs so I am alone in the house and I HATE it. I've had something to do each day, but it barely fills the hours. I just crawl into bed and sleep and cry. I just can't bear not having my DCs around, and not being able to spend the weekend with them. I feel like they are all I have got, but I haven't even got them as he has. How do any of you cope with not having your DCs around? And as for the weeks of the summer holidays coming up... I just can't see how this is ever going to get any better.

Roz lovely pics - you must live in a beautiful place

green Could it be that you feel so crap today as it is the aftermath of the build up to the DC's birthday? All very stressful and with all the other shit you're having to deal with....

toast how old is your dog? Does he/she really need to be on a special diet? My vet was always recommending certain dog food when it wasn't really needed.

Drifted what a lovely thing to do for someone. Hopefully you were a big help to that man

1 because I had detached gradually over the years so he couldn't mess with my head it wasn't that difficult. Having a spare room and a decent sized house helped. He did his washing (or not) , took care of his room (or not), I cooked and ate with the DDs, he ate his later. If I wasn't cooking for the DDs he had to sort himself out. I watched the soaps with him then went upstairs. Myself and the DDs all had TVs in our rooms. It worked after a fashion It was only when it became obvious that he was messing with the DDs heads that I realised enough was enough.

Re pets - he had another dog when I met him that he treated appallingly - hardly ever walked and kept on putting in another room as "he was too fussy and wanting attention" Yes a clue indeed!!!

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Re hating him - no I don't hate him. I certainly have no positive feelings for him like love, like etc. It's more primarily feeling of anger and frustration. When this is over it will be feeling sorry for him for his inadequacies and lack of effort as an ex husband and ex father. His loss!

My dog is 4. Right now she definitely needs special food as she has bladder crystals and possibly kidney stones. The food dissolves them. So then it's a case of seeing whether they stay dissolved or if she will always be prone to them. If she needs it I will find the money, I just am not sure where from!

Can I please join ladies. Ex left 2 months ago there are good days when I go out with my little ds and days like today where I have no motivation where I miss my ex I miss not the life we were living but the life we could have had. He didn't support me through an abortion he wanted me to have and lied and said he was working and then stopped helping me with our son again lying saying he was working. It just hurts so much I physically ache when I think about it.

toast is it worth a look on PDSA site?

Spidey welcome, and sorry you are in your situation. I will let others give you specific advice for now.

toast a bit more general info here

www.money.co.uk/pet-insurance/how-to-get-help-with-vet-bills.htm

bobs Sounds about right....
Did the children know you were separated? Would you have carried on with arrangement if H hadn't been so awful towards girls?

casa good to hear from you. Weekends are pretty awful for me too but for different reasons Your children are young aren't they- it must be so hard to share them. I guess your life also very much revolves around them still and so must be doubly difficult when they're with Ex. Have faith that it seems to get better with time from what I've read on here and elsewhere. I guess like a bereavement, you don't get over it but learn to live with it. Be long to yourself. When do you get them back?x

I will look at those links later thank you.

Weekends without my DC are horrible too. A lot of the time he has them in the house and I have to go out. So I don't even get the chance to watch tv at home or have a bath. I had a big rant at him this morning when he arrived and I went out. He made a comment about me havin a nice day out and my secret life. I pointed out that I spend my time in the library/making a coffee last hours and walking round tescos. Not my idea of fun. He shut up after that. Not sure what he thought I get up to!!

casa Kind .... Not long!!!

spidey your situation sounds heartbreaking but ex sounds like someone you will eventually be better off without. I known that sounds a bit crass perhaps - not what we want to hear and not overly helpful- but hopefully true. The curse of long weekends too are hard. Many are familiar with those here.

We've talked a fair bit on the thread about emotions coming in waves. I guess we just have to ride those waves unfortunately but know that tomorrow is another day and maybe a better day. Hang on in there. You will find support here

toast I think he said that because he's digging for info.......

I'm beginning to dislike weekends more and more....

On a humorous note HRT actually suggested I did one of the beds in the garden 'seeing as I was at a loose end'. What a cheek. I'd rather sit here and read a book. He wanted control of the garden, well he's got it

Thanks 1 today fortunately . Yes they are young-ish. And then I have the rest of half term with them. It's this complicated love hate of him. I love him and its hurts we can't spend time as a family anymore, and I hate him for doing this to me and the children and feel that he doesn't deserve them, having walked out from living with them. But I know he has to see them and they love him. But it is hard.

spideymum it's still really early for you so be kind to yourself. It is so hard when your hopes and dreams for the future all get pulled away and you are left with uncertainty. enjoy your little DS, he is your family now. And if it helps remember the bad things (that's what they have done to justify leaving). You will be ok in the end, and your DS.

I take back everything I said earlier - going through the paperwork has made me realize what a complete and utter C88T he has been and is still continuing to be - so many emails I sent asking for info which would have removed the need for court - so many emails saying his behaviour is abusive, so many emails saying DS needs help, so many emails sorting out arrangements with kids, so many emails questioning this that & the bloody other - what did I get back nothing and then harrassment claim, nothing then second harrassment claim, several emails saying there is no money - will the judge like these I wonder, even a conversation with DD saying there is money for somethings but not everything - just hotel stays! nothing then had to issue court proceedings and now being threatened with contact order

HE IS A C88T!!

Maybe it's easier that I don't like mine anymore. But I find it hard leaving the DC with him when it's his behaviour that ended it! I don't trust him with them and it's very hard to stay calm when he has them.

Toast what 1 said - he is digging and it i none of his business what you do with your time.

1 I alway knew I was going to divorce him and was trying to hold it together till the DDs finished senior school, for their sake (the reason being see on this thread the problems caused by split-ups involving those with younger DC) It was actually DD1 in the end that instigated it, although I actioned it.

Re the separation thing, well we had been living separate lives pretty well for over 5 years - it just got more and more separate. We still all went out for a birthday meal. Holidays were me booking flights to his house in Spain for me and DDs, then him deciding later he would come with us. We weren't officially separated, just could demonstrate to our sols that we were when it came to it. Stbx initially said we had been separated over 5 yrs till he saw his sol and then decided 2 yrs would be better - something to do with my Mum passing away 4 yrs earlier and her will

spideymum just go with the flow - on the days that you don't feel like doing anything much then just don't ...I am sure your little ds will be just as happy at home doing something or having some DVD/TV time....on the days you are up to it then on you go..this is how it is -ups and downs. These are early days for you - have a and some

cassa Glad they are back today. Can't be many more hours now then. These are early days and I expect you will eventually value the times that they are with their dad, once the emotions are less raw - especially as he sounds like a good dad

toast I would have felt the same leaving mine with HRT when they were younger. Even though he was more fun with them when they were younger - once they started to have opinions that didn't agree with his he struggled more. However, I'd have worried about the day to day care. Was he driving safely etc etc. My heart goes out to you ladies having to relinquish young DC. I guess there isn't a 'right' time for a marriage break down whatever the ages of DC.

bobs an interesting scenario. You've been through a lot. I wish perhaps that HRT and I cld have managed until DS2 had finished school and older 2 had finished uni but I guess it's no way to live. In my begging days, I did suggest that to H but he wouldn't seriously consider it and now I wouldn't either although with all the upheaval, costs and angst involved in splitting up officially, I can see why it's done.

green did you ever think he would be so awful? I'm worried that HRT will 'start up' with the tactics other exes have displayed. At the moment, he's being relatively reasonable in our discussions re finances but this is out of character. He seems desperate to settle things amicably. I guess time will tell.

I've bought myself some books and am going to try to get back into reading. Haven't been able to concentrate on a book for months. I've missed reading.

1 it's to your benefit just to bite your lip and try not to wind him up - tempting as it may be! I thought by starting divorce proceeding when DD1 was 2nd yr at uni and DD2 1st yr A Levels that the the impact wouldn't be so bad. but guess what - still doing it while DD1 is finishing uni and DD2 taking A2s

Okay so I have a totally unrelated question which I have spent the past 2 hrs googling. Also might be useful for some of you. Car insurance for teenagers! DD1 has her own car and DD2 is about to take her test. I've discovered for a start that insurance will cost more for DD1 when she stops being a student and her part time bar job becomes her main job.

So what do I do with DD2 when she passes her test? I want to put her on DD1's insurance, but then she's going to uni in September. Can't get a temporary stand alone policy for her. Anyone been through this or know of insurance companies where you can just add them and take them off as additional drivers? MN and T'internet not being very helpful. With money being a bit tight an'all don't really have a spare £1000+ to throw around. DD1 has said she will pay as much/if not all of her bit from her bar job.

bobs in my heart of hearts I think he's being reasonable at the moment because 1. He's not 100% certain of his feelings and doesn't want to burn bridges with me. 2. He doesn't want me 'bad mouthing' to other people about him. 3. His parents, my parents and our DC would never forgive him if he left me high and dry - family is important to him, despite him acting at the moment as if it's not. Time will tell. I'm trying hard not to wind him up and walk away from arguments 9/10. Sometimes though, just sometimes I let rip and when I do I instantly see his true colours. Funny how he's allowed to say whatever he likes but I'm not. Like they say, I guess the truth hurts....

bobs put yourself on the insurance policy as the main driver and add them as a driver - we did that with our son and got through those expensive years. We used elephant.co.uk ...
also look at Admiral for multi car policies!

bobs car insurance We pretty much need another mortgage and it's a full time job renewing. Admiral multi car for us. DD is 21 and has her own small car at uni - needed for her course - doing nights at the moment. Around £700 - outskirts of London. Ds1 - 19. We pay 45 per week when he's home. Doesn't have car at uni. I then find that it's not too much to put him back on properly when he's home for the summer hols in June - Sept. Neither are insured to drive our cars as cost prohibitive. Was cheaper to buy additional cars...madness..

bobs some friends I know take them on/off at will. They come home-on the insurance they go at around 1000 per year. They go back 2 /3 weeks later and they get pretty much a full refund of policy. We've never done that but could be a plan....

Hmm don't know how they could get a full refund. I really need to renew DD1's insrance with a company that won't cost the earth to add DD2 at a later date.