HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Hobbit, I've shocked even myself typing that lot out! I had that face yesterday when DS returns from contact to tell us that Daddy's "friend" died and now he has his motorbike. The "friend" is OW's late husband. He most certainly was not ex's friend...quite the bloody opposite. It actually made our skin crawl.

Actually I need to correct that, DS didn't say "died" he said "had a crash". Still, it's a disgusting thing to say. It really is.

The man's a reptile, let's hope for some divine intervention from on high, if not his oesophageal varices giving out, KOKO lovely lady....

A very tired hi to everyone.... Thought I'd return to the only honest place I know. Well I made it through the twunt's trip to Canada.... Unfortunately he did too. He returned today and along with that a major kind of depression has hit. Maybe it's just the same old shit over and over again and banging my head off a brick wall trying to shake off my feelings for this man who finds murder scenes more enjoyable than his life with me.... Shit that's actually true, he loved a good murder ... It got him out of the house and he was in his element ( for anyone who doesn't know me, my h is not actually a murderer !) . Since I've been gone, I've spilled my heart out and it was stamped on repeatedly and God only knows why I'm stupid enough to keep doing it... You'd think I'd learn ! So dd and I got on really well when he was away but she's majorly depressed and not much I can do about it. He caused that one. I'm still in the house and I've got more independent... Woman with drill and redecorating bedroom, as girly as I want. I've been getting out during the day but still find it lonely at night and miss him then... Despite his ( scarily same habits as others exes ) ie, farting whenever he felt like it, picking his nose to pull nasal hairs out ( on the sofa) and flicking his boogers onto the floor... Leaving his ganky socks on the living room floor and yes, wet towels on the bed, on the floor, wiping his armpits with his shirt after he's taken it off and then thrown at me 'because it was funny to him' ... How many more things do I need to remember before I start to move on... In fact how do we move on when we can't stop loving them despite their bastardness ? I'm just so confused... How can he hurt me so much and be so emotionally abusive ... yet I still care. I know his faults and I know he's been a complete shit, yet I'm struggling more today. It was so peaceful when he was away... I was able to breathe and be happy with just my dd to love and take care of. He's only been back in the country a few hours and I've reverted to the nut job he says I am.
I was reading some of the posts I missed, they really made me laugh out loud and I can see that in the 2 weeks I've been awol a lot of you have moved on in leaps and bounds .... It's great to see and I only hope I can too. But I need to try and stop loving ... How and when does that happen ? If ever !

Igetknockeddown welcome back my love. If he was as abusive during your marriage as I suspect then my theory is that it causes stockholm syndrome or something similar you end up with a very strong attachment to your abuser. The good news it that now you are apart one of the vital elements of stockholm syndrome is removed - you are no longer trapped in his presence. So every day you are healing. Add to that the normal love and attachment we all feel after so many years together. Every day that's fading a tiny bit but you can't see it until you look back. It's a strange thing with these abusive men that when we get a break from the abuse our feelings for them briefly grow and when they start the abuse again we come straight back down to earth. It makes sense that him being away would have increased those confused feelings. Have a look at the abuser profiles I linked to on page 18 you can probably match him up to one, maybe another drill sergeant? I don't know if any of that makes sense but from my own experience I find those little breathers when they are out of your way and no contact do ultimately help you to detach. Once again you only see that when time has passed and you look back.

So many familiar things here from MrsC's list and Igetknockeddown - yes the sitting on the sofa and ripping nose hairs out with a multi tool, pulling off toe nails in the living room - why?
My churning stomach has come back this morning - the one that I wake with - it had got considerably better but feel crap this morning and don't really know why.

Do I remind H that dd is away for most of the week with school?

I can't remember if it's already written in his work diary (was my standard method of reminding him about most things). I have mentioned it in passing fairly recently but if it's not in his diary he won't have remember the days.

I know if i text him I'll probably get a snooty message back saying he knows, which is irritating when I'm trying to be helpful so I'm tempted to leave it to dd to tell him or for him to ask (radio silence since Friday so far). However if this doesn't happen and he decides he wants to see her later in the week I'll be the bad guy. I'm over thinking this I know but it's a constant no win situation.

I'm drawn towards not mentioning it, he needs to take responsibility for knowing these things now, he can't continue to rely on me.

Babbling.

Bugger, I'm going to text him, hopefully his pension info will come this week so I don't need extra aggro.

Those annoying people who full up the thread talking to themselves

If he's already been told I wouldn't bother once should be enough. He can't be relying on you to hep him with his bad memory any more OW can have that little pleasure.

I feel a bit queasy reading MrsCs list too and realising I lived with a lot of those disgusting habits. I wonder if all men do those things or just the type of selfish man who cheats on his wife. Maybe Drifting can confirm.

I bottled it Home and text him, the message back was reasonable he "knew it was coming up" so potentially I'd have been the bad guy if he hadn't seen her before she went. This has been planned since before he left, anything more recent I'll tell him once now and leave it up to him. He's calling to see her tonight.

I don't want to give him ammunition when the big financial conversation is on the horizon. I keep telling myself I'm not weak just playing the long game.

Home They're all such good catches, probably still on their best behaviour but will revert to form.

I think it is just men - as they get older..it's all part of the " I do what I want" scenario when really it is just basic hygiene and good manners for those around you BUT don't dare comment.....

braving is it too late to say " don't text" - they have chosen the path but sometimes I think we are happy to have any communication with them even at a simple level.....

too late

Ah well at least you didn't get an arsey reply. Of course you're not weak. One thing about this divorce hell it sure does make us strong.

Hello,iget welcome back, we've missed you. You felt good while he was away because you knew there wouldn't be any horrible manipulative behaviour from him, so you could relax and enjoy your time with your daughter without his malign influence.

Any contact is toxic for you, I realised this very early on. Every time he had text or emailed me I spiralled down, so I went no contact for months as a form of self preservation . But he still has the power to affect me so I've blocked him.

Do you really still love him? Or miss the man he was , mourn the life that could have been until he changed into an abusive stranger.

Have a look at the lists iwas and mrsc have made, and perhaps post your own version . That should focus your mind a little on why you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You wanted it to work for your family, but that's only possible if the other person is willing to fix things as well. He's not willing, he wants you out of your home, he has treated you appallingly, and messed with your daughters head as well. That's unforgivable, take care my lovely, xx

Yes, too late :)

I am only contacting him for dd related things and only the essentials. I really don't want contact with him, I'd like him to disappear.

Hobbit, Wise and Home
You are all so right and I guess I knew it too. I'm going to read page 18 and will compile my list. Meanwhile dd has broken down and crawled back in to bed. Ed Welfare person coming today so that'll be fun with a jet lagged twunt and her telling me how it's going to be ( maybe she'll help and surprise me but no doubt he will win her over )....my only concern is sorting dd but I fear she won't accept that what she is feeling is depression and the fallout of a broken family. Anyway I'm going to read list, sleep I hope, as I've not all night and come back later refreshed ( who am I kidding lol) .... Thank you, I'm glad to be back xx

Hello, to all of our lovely, new ladies, i hope you are doing as well as can be expected under the horrible circumstances.

frizzy, family, strong, paddling are you all ok?
Just thinking of you all, xx

Hello all. It does help to remind ourselves of all the things we don't miss. Snoring, laziness, the let downs, the lies, the lack of self hygiene on occasion, the criticisms, the put downs and lack of support, the selfishness.
We've had a whole week of nc here and although it doesn't sound like long the difference is amazing. Long may it continue. He's finally paid maintenance today so paying late was clearly just another game.
Half expecting contact from mediation service or a solicitor but the other part of me thinks he won't invest any time or money in that after he's chosen to have no contact and will just carry on with OW and pretend that we never existed. Thought about messaging him to let him know dd has chicken pox but I guess if he doesn't enquire about her welfare he's not bothered!

igetbackupagain, I don't know your story but from what Home posted I'm guessing you've had a similar experience to me. My STBXH is a Drill Sergeant and made my life hell for nearly 20 years.

Yet I still felt love for him and desperately tried to save our marriage. Realising I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome helped me at least understand what I was feeling, even though I still felt it.

I also had the sudden realisation that what I felt for him was Attachment rather than love. He'd treated me so badly and had worked hard to make me totally dependent on him for everything so that being without him felt like I'd be totally annihilated. Unable to cope with life or go on at all.

The reality is that I am thriving without him. I still feel the attachment/love, but less as time goes by. I try to recognise it for what it is, remind myself of what a terrible spouse he is. See who he really is, not the imaginary person he initially presented as.

And now something more lighthearted but just as true. For those who share our lives with dogs:

apologies ladies haven't caught up but just needed to get this down

well you were right about the nastiness increasing as court approaches - X has so far not paid me my dividends this month which means I am overdrawn so I am now having to mind read to work out what he is doing or whether this is ongoing fuckwittery. Had things needed to do today but head just going on a wobble and panic setting in again.

He is also mucking about on a school trip that DD wants to go on for next year - just cant say anything direct.

had meeting with SHL friday - all so much to take in but she's on the ball - the question everyone seems to be asking is is he devious or stupid -

so envy all of you that have managaed/are managing to sort this out in a reasonable grown up manner!