HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Semtex thank you. No allergies. Are you suggesting they will have mould forming somewhere though even if I can't see it? I hate mould, I literally scream if I find mouldy bread in the breadbin, I'm not joking!!

Ha ha living you is funny, I liked that one!

You scream if you see mould iwas ? You wuss!
I scrape it off and put it in the toaster !
We are tough stuff in the arse end of nowhere

Tbh, Newport is a shithole, izzie my darling, like the song tho' x

Hobbit yes I do! I hate it, anything decaying or mouldy. I'm feeling queasy even thinking about it.

So Hobbit instead of twunt we could rename them as mould, cut em out of our life [rin] excuse the black humour, having one of those 'trying to make myself larf' days

Thank you for the reminder, we're nearly out of bread.

Semtex not mould please!!!

Disclaimer I am okay with insects and small rodents

Ok you lot! This is not on! I have lost the plot in my own life and now here too. Bushes, pineapples? I am totally confused. I have read this thread for hours to try and catch up and understand but I think I have missed something crucial.

Today I need to sort all work stuff, tomorrow I will be sent the grievance to check and I want everything at hand so I can do this. So very nervous. The shit is really going to hit the fan. In fact I feel quite sick. Have a meeting tomorrow to explain how much, or little, marking I have done over weekend. Is all crap.

Nothing from husband for a couple of weeks, guess he is all loved up with OW and their baby. A baby at 53. Mad. But why am I jealous. My boys are wonderful but I would have room for more. Need to work out if I can pay the bills this month, pretty sure that will be ok but next month is going to be tough. I wish divorce had been sorted while he was feeling generous/guilty. Now he 'has other priorities'.

Gloomy weather and feel very flat. In brighter news the dogs breathing is a little better this week so the new drugs are helping a bit. I should post a photot, maybe Jess would take a fancy to him! Our own dating site...for dogs. Hmmm needs a little more thought...

"anything decaying or mouldy" well that would be all our twunts then!

[bush] = emoticon fail by 1 in that she left out the l in between the b & u! We just decide to be infantile about it

Re pineapples - well they take a bit more explaining and best left to MrsC, WWK and the judge! Think they should blame it all on Nancy!

Ladies - hello to you!

My first post here and I'm inspired to share some of my story with you - and I've spent the morning browsing this thread to get to you know all a little bit. Not sure I can remember all the names - but boy oh boy do I recognise strong ladies when I see them and twunts when I see them too!

My divorce story is done now you'd think- it's nearly 12 years ago now....he had affairs and thought I should turn a blind eye. I begged to differ and kicked off divorce proceedings (surprise, surprise - twunts don't like it when you take control!) - I became the bad guy because I should have put up and shut up - and have been a single mum for the last 12 years or so.
There have been twists and turns along the way - and I have the bills to show for my court battles to a/ insist he saw the children and then b/ to insist he didn't take them away full time when the youngest didn't need a childminder any more (and therefore it was a cheaper option to have him from his point of view)! That time I also got an order to prevent him taking the youngest out of the country without having my permission - and giving me some contact details when he did.
I've never received a penny from him for childcare because of the way our court arrangements worked - but leopards never change their spots I've found - and when I was offered a promotion last year and my youngest opted to spend more time with him - he claimed through child support for funding from me. He told them I'd abandoned my son without making suitable arrangements for him - so they chased me and accused me of trying to avoid supporting him. He's retired and is claiming a large pension (which again I don't have access to as our arrangement was before pension law changed) - and has never seen my boy for a minute extra than the original court order (that I paid for) insisted he did. I of course am committed to working until I'm 110......

I have been to various 'family events' - 21st birthday parties, graduation ceremonies and weddings - mostly alone - and smiled at him and his lady and been polite as they have played happy families with my children. She has told me how well she knows my children and understands and cares for them - the woman who knew he had those 3 young children and was married - and still chose to have an affair....
And still it's been my fault - and I'm the bad guy.

Hey ho - you get a thick skin with this kind of thing after a while. They're getting married soon and I've recently had a surreal conversation with her about her wedding plans - and how great her new fiance is (yeah- he's fab!) and what her dress is going to be like, where it's going to be and how much she's looking forward to it all. She shared her awful ex stories with me and she'd had a hard time - she also told me getting married was just the best thing and why didn't I....? I didn't share my awful ex stories with her - but boy was I tempted!!!! I just wonder what it was that made her think that was a good conversation to have with me .....

Along the way I've done as you guys have - joined an online community - laughed and cried til 4am, cried on friends shoulders, drunk way too much wine, smoked, exercised to a ridiculous level, been out with so many frogs there should be none left out there now....and in between I've worked my butt off to make my kids proud that I am their mum.

And do you know - I think I'm kind of proud of myself now - as you should all be too. It takes guts to deal with All This Shit. We have to cope with stuff we shouldn't have to, on days when we're hurting from all kinds of things and we'd rather bury our heads in the duvet and not come out. We have to be resourceful, determined and plough our way through red tape invented by folks who have never been where we have and call us not by our names but our case number. We have to come out again and again pinning our smiles on in the face of leopards who want to control our lives at all costs - we have to learn to 'let it go' and be 'the better person' when really we want to scratch eyes out and cause damage! - and we survive it all and can laugh and cry together about how ridiculous it all is. If I - and you - can deal with all this, we can deal with anything.

So - no matter how bad it feels today, or tomorrow - you're doing just fine - and it will be fine. Be proud of yourself and be strong and we'll get there.

x

Oh lordy - without contest the longest post in the universe....how do you do the blush thingy....??!

Just back from a 10k yomp with dog. About to eat eggs on toast then slump on the sofa for a while. In fact, I might watch a film. Last night I decided it would be a good test of my concentration if I watched a film all the way through. No internet surfing or checking in on MN.

Started one, got to about 20 mins in and DD2 called round unexpectedly. Stayed about half an hour, then I restarted film. All of 3 minutes went by and DD1 phoned. Another half hour later, restarted film. DS3 emerged from his bat cave feeling chatty. Switched off film.

So, try again this afternoon.

Wow, what a brilliant inspirational thread Getting and a joy to read. Brought a tear to my eye. Also gives a bit of advice to those with younger DC on what they might expect in the future

So your exes fiancee thinks you're bessie mates? Well you have truly risen above it - right up into the stratosphere! That must take some self control not to want to....I don't know.....borrow one of semtex's uzis for a start. i guess you have to do what you can for the best if you move in the same circles.

"Last night I decided it would be a good test of my concentration if I watched a film all the way through. No internet surfing or checking in on MN. "

HA ROZ KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN!

I have read one book - The Girl on the Train but need to get myself organised. Think I just need trash to read right now so may visit the library but I have amazed myself at how my mind has cleared somewhat - wondering if my Vit D3 intake is working ( only joking) - I now know that I HAVE to pay attention to things - like where I park and read things carefully as it is ME who has to be responsible. Don't think for a minute that all of this was taken care of for me before because that is far from the truth - I was the person responsible for "caretaking" several financial things. (He has no idea how to do them still...) Today I have been lazy ( as in I am still not showered!! ) but have been doing several important things which had lapsed ( not due to me) like House Insurance. I also need to get some Travel Insurance sorted out as going away in a bit for a shortish trip.

I was supposed to go on a walk but it got cancelled due to the weather so well done ROZ on your 10 k!! Going out to the cinema shortly so guess I better get showered and dressed?

getthingtherenow welcome - you are in a situation to offer some good advice with your wealth of experience !

OK I get the "bush thing " now...but still not the ....

Oh sorry good luck fuckit tomorrow x

Fuckit on losing the plot. Hope it goes ok tomorrow and glad the dog's better

Wise the pineapple is from another thread run by MrsC As WWK said, it seems her ex and OW were reading the thread and took exception to aforementioned pineapple amongst other things. HTH

PS do not look for the thread - you won't find it!!!!

....for now bobs...I will have them reinstated asap .

Welcome gettingthere..what a lovely and inspirational first post. Although I have to say "your" OW sounds as if she has as much self-awareness as "mine" does. Weird. I will be forever open-mouthed reading about the self-righteousness of these "women".

What a great post Getting thank you

Random Man alert

Hi gang. How are we all doing ? Welcome to Gettingtherenow.
Been busy recently. Been drifting in the sea in hot tub since Izzie bailed on me.

KOKO all. I will drop by again soon .

I love this "Random Man Alert" thingy...hello Drifted...hope you're well

So prepped now for what may/may not occur tomorrow.

You might recall I have him 2 weeks to either agree my proposal, agree to arbitration or we go to court. It's now 20 months - patience at an end!

After 10 days his sol said could they have an extension because obvs SF hadn't got his finger out he was going to be away on Day 14. Okay then.

So on extension Day 14 his sol emails just before 6pm saying SF hasn't heard back from the FA. FFS he saw the FA beginning-mid April and was told it would take 3 weeks, and he hasn't thought to chase him up? His sol kindly offered to chase up FA on Monday and would report back.

Oh - he also said - twice - it wasn't his client's fault and that his client is still keen to reach an agreement need to find some pigs

So will speak to my sol tomorrow and see what he suggests

Pink ones coz I's a girl!!!!!

Thanks for good wishes. It is going to be a tough few days.

Lovely to hear from someone who has been there done that and survived.

My husbands OW actually asked me what the boys like for tea? Also posted as me on a well known Internet site...

I think suggesting they lack self awareness is an understatement. They do seem to be a special breed. My best friend decided to be friends with my husband, meaning, so she said, she could not be friends with me. She is the same person who told me my husband snogged her one New Years eve. I think she had designs on him and is probably, hopefully, gutted that he did not fancy her. Thinking about her as I am missing her and need to remind myself she is not great. I have not spoken to her for nearly two years, just a wee bit tough atm I think. Anyway, she had no tact, not just childish thoughtlessness but like an egocentric teenager. Sounds like all the OW are egocentric (at the very least) I suppose they would have to be. I can't imagine the guilt if they thought about other people.