HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Whoops forgot to link!

My two just take no notice now when I start laughing. Oh this is cheaper than alcohol. Actually, perhaps I should go get some

Don't think I'll try explaining why [double bush] so funny

wise whatcha watching on your new DVD player?

I'm not sure DD2 thinks it's a good idea I'm on here so much. I have to chuckle quietly. They're not used to me being on "social media" etc almost as much as them!

bobs Ooh you get free meerkat when you take out cheap car insurance at compare the market. I got Aleksandr

noooo - 2-4-1 cinema tickets much better! It's only £4 normal price at our Odeon so a nice treat I can indulge in on a more regular occasion. I've only been once or twice in the past year. Want to see Jurassic Park and Pitch Perfect 2

My son was taught by someone called Miss Cutbush. Really, with a name like that, a different career must be in order [tidy bush]

Anyway I deserve something after sorting this out. Who'd have thought it would be so difficult giving occupations for DC. Discovered it's cheaper to be a uni student than working in a pub for a start!

Time for chocolate and a movie I think

Ah I got a free meerkt a few months ago but recently in the post I got a 2 41 cinema thing from them too

Looked on Telegraph dating. Is that really what's out there? I need to bleach my eyeballs.

How depressing. I was hoping it would be all 35 year old hot millionaires :(

Heading for the 4 month slump here I think. Just feel stuck in limbo. House on market, no viewers. He won't get on and sign divorce petition. My life is on hold.

Toast my life is on hold too. I've got all the UK assets to sell, and he had to pay all my legal costs, but I'm still struggling to sell/find work. I can keep going for another four months...but then what?

So it's a daily thing...that I really want to move on, but it's not happening to my timescale. That said I'm freelancing, and this month...I've earnt enough to pay the bills. Again. But it's not a life.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do work wise. He went on about how he would help out and I could go back to work. He would help cover the holidays.

He did one day this half term. Is that supposed to be a help? If I don't work I don't get paid. If I don't do enough hours I won't be able to claim WTC, which I will need to help pay the bills for now. I have no family help and an 8 year old who has suffered enough trauma from his behaviour without me sending her to a childminder every day, when she needs some stability in her life.

OK I watched 3 episodes of Parade's End " only a cad divorces his wife.." not sure what I make of it actually - was given it ages ago by a friend - it's all quite depressing but the TV was total shite! Think I will go back to Netflix...

whatyousee saw the trailer for that Man Up - looks great! Am going tomorrow evening to see the Al Pacino one which looks very funny * whispering* on a Meet Up group....I don't actually mind going to the cinema on my own and have done so many times in the past...

You all sound so strong and independent! I feel in awe of you all managing and sorting everything out. It really is all left down to us isn't it, I do feel quite bitter that they literally walk into the sunset hand in hand with these OW.
I'd like to bump into OW one day when I'm looking more glamorous than 23 weeks pregnant and tired and congratulate her on the man child she has won whilst I have 2 beautiful babies that they will never know.
3 children by 2 different mothers, a divorce and a failed ltr what a catch he is! No money, no assets, a lot of debt and a temper, marvellous.
What have go all told your young children? She doesn't mention him often but I don't say anything when she does. Feels wrong, don't know what to say though and would never say anything negative x

My DDs all asked me for him to leave before he went. Says a lot about how they felt about him. He sees them a fair bit but it makes me laugh how he prioritises them. When we first split he wanted them every thurs eve till Sunday!! He was going to change his work hours and work from home etc.

Fast forward to this week and he's due to have them from Thurs eve till Fri eve. He has them here so I have to go out. So I ask what he wants to have for dinner thurs with them. Answer he won't be able to get to them until 7.30, too busy at work. Ok how about Fri? Oh he needs to leave at 4ish as there's a class he wants to go to at the gym.... What a dedicated father.

Hey everybody, thought I would check in and vent. Just managed to get my 4 yo DS to sleep after the usual post-contact traumas that are not appreciated by those who caused them. Am absolutely exhausted. Had a lovely day with my lovely man, who I should say is not involved with my children, always at his and always away from home. However, having had the week from hell, I am feeling a bit stressed and tearful tonight. I read all of the posts on here with such sadness and wonder what goes through the minds of our husbands and their OW's, so happily skipping off into the sunset and leaving such utter carnage behind. What did they think was going to happen? I wonder about my husband serving divorce papers on me within a few days of leaving on the basis that "we need to keep things simple", never mind that I am on my knees with grief and on top of his claims that he only "bumped into" OW two weeks previously (and moved in with her, as you do). I wonder about the mindset of a woman totally twisted bitch who then tries to offer you "support or somebody to shout at", who uses her dead husband and grieving child as a way to avoid accusations of an affair with your husband, I wonder about how my situation had degenerated to such an extent that these two poisonous individuals are actively seeking to see me prosecuted or worse...because I had the temerity to expose them. I just wonder. I cannot begin to imagine ever doing anything like this. I realise, and I was warned, that the OW in my case is in a league of her own, she was described as "malicious", "spoilt" and "entitled" but I never imagined that she would behave in the way that she has. I just don't and never will get it. I looked at my husband in court yesterday, an absolute caricature of the person he was and wondered how I ever married him and most certainly how, a mere 4 years ago, I found myself pregnant at middle age with a baby that I KNEW he would abandon, I knew because I told him...and he has done exactly that. I wish he had to deal with what I do, I wish he would open his eyes, wake up, start being a man, stop taking orders, stop being so utterly controlled. However, I know that the OW thinks she's won the prize, but it is so early days, it took him a good 3 years to reveal himself with me, by which time we were married, I sincerely hope she gets everything she deserves.

Hi MrsC Good to hear from you and glad you're all right now. I guess it's a bit lot of a come-down after everything that had been going on for you - a mixture of relief and sadness. We're always saying on here how we seem to we doing ok until we have contact in some way, shape or form with our exes, then we feel crap!

"I cannot begin to imagine ever doing anything like this" Well no, because you are a caring, thoughtful woman who is nothing like them. Really who knows how their brains work and why. I stopped trying to figure that one out years ago - there was no point and just a waste of my time and emotions.

As for getting everything they deserve, well karma's a bitch!

Glad you had a good day today Hope you have a relaxing day tomorrow and enjoy your DC xx

Karma!

2little and Rebecca so sorry you've had to join us. As we have all said this Shit Is Hard (actually it's fucking unbelievably hard). Have you heard of the Freedom Progrmme? I was advised to do it from the local One Stop Shop . You can google details of it.

As for threatening to take the children....yep I've had that. He started threatening in Sept 2014 and then actually tried to keep them in February.
It rips your heart out. He told me on the phone he was keeping them and I screamed...the children heard and started crying...after I managed to get them back he said it was my reaction that hurt them. The twist everything you do.

I would suggest you start keeping a diary of his behaviour...just in case you need it.

You wonder where this evil person came from. As I've said on numerous occasions..I recognise the skin but not the person looking back at me. His viciousness still takes my breathe away. I was with him for 23 years!

Hi MrsC
I wonder about how my situation had degenerated to such an extent that these two poisonous individuals are actively seeking to see me prosecuted or worse it is truly shocking the depths these vile human beings stoop too.
I don't think we will ever really understand what, how, why they do what they do. They seem to feed off each others nastiness.

what goes through the minds of our husbands and their OW's, so happily skipping off into the sunset and leaving such utter carnage behind. they never look behind they just keep on skipping. They don't hear the cries of their children or see the distress in their ex partners.

Just keep on hugging your DS and KOKO.

Well the weasel finally had my DD overnight. I didn't think my heart could break anymore but it did. It felt like it had been ripped from my chest.

When he picked them up he was just so cocky. He's lost even more weight but thinks he's god gift. I handed the children over and got back into my car...he pointed at me to stay there and I did (yep what was I bloody thinking). He came over and the first thing he did was reach in through my car window and grab the little dried flower I had on my dashboard and threw it away saying "you don't want that do you". WTF! My little girl had picked that flower ...what right did he have to do that. It may be only a little thing but it hurt. He then proceeded to say that he would come to the house again today. I said no way. He also said that "nothing will change what's happening"...yep I get that ..he's fucked off with the slag and he's not coming back...yep that's as clear as day.
He said he would get the children to phone me but I would have to un bar the landline!

Anyway fast forward to this evening... he got my eldest DD to ring me to say they were going to be late, then when they did turn up he sat in the car for ages. They eventually got out, my little one ran over all happy to see me. However, when he followed she started crying. He made the big show of scooping her up and pretending to be the great father that we all know he's not. I finally got them in the car.
He then said that the problems my eldest was having are just normal issues for her age...I disagreed and said that his behaviour had contributed to it. Of course he denied having anything to do with it. He then demanded to see them more often. I referred him to the court order and I said I didn't want to talk to him about it there. He has changed the court date not me - he blamed his job but he has managed to get time off before. I again asked him to stop being so nasty to me and he actually smirked at me. In the end he stormed off.

I can't wait for his next nasty solicitors letter.

Contact with him is toxic.