HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

1 - homonyms getting confused are part of divorce, I promise you! My spelling went to ratshit during the divorce...I was even getting 'your/you're mixed up and that would enrage me (slight hyperbole) before I got divorced. I mean I was the grammar police! I am now just a normal person who lives with there, they're my mistakes.

wise I proper letched at a man yesterday - astonished myself! I mean I slowed down the car and everything , yet I haven't looked at a man for years and years and years! Oh well, I am truly shameful.

Hello 2little, nice to meet you, sorry for the circumstances though. None of us know why they become so vitriolic and evil, really - just that they do and because they can, and it kills our self-esteem. Therefore the only way to fight back is NC and work on the self-esteem ourselves. Your situation sounds utterly dreadful, it really does. Trauma doesn't cover it. The only thing you can do is remind yourself that he's gone, and in time, it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you because you're never going to be lied to by him in your own home ever again. Be very, very, very kind to yourself right now though.

Thank you. Some days I feel stronger than others.
It's good to hear some of you looking into online dating. I think that's a long way off for me with another baby due and breastfeeding etc although the loneliness is horrible. I do have a hope that one day someone will love me though, despite all the baggage. Worried about how you ever trust again though.
I don't miss him but I feel a hole where that sense of family should be.
In the last week when he's had no contact dd and I have got so much stronger and happier, long may it continue.
I feel sad for OW, she's falling for the same stuff I did and not seeing any of the red flags. I'm having therapy and he says it won't last but in a way I hope it does, the more involved he is with her the less likely he is to bother us.
I'm quite safe in a way as I know he doesn't have the funds for mediation or court and certainly not before the arrival of new baby so I can relax a little bit about that, although his latest stunt is that he hasn't paid maintenance which was due on Friday. I feel such a fool, how could I have had children with such an awful human being :(
I also wonder how long it will be until dd doesn't remember him at all?

Izzie the name change made me roar, thank you I needed it

2little welcome and sorry you need to join the bar. Your situation sounds absolutely horrific and my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. You will get a lot of support and advice on here.

Braving if you're not sure then you're probably best to leave it. If you have a bad experience it will probably damage your self esteem a little further. Maybe just go out for a drink or something or is that not an option? I think I'm a bit old for all this modern dating, it seems so very different to years ago. My son had a FWB over Easter, I assumed she was his girlfriend but apparently not

Sorry for short posts and hello to everyone else. Am off out very shortly but KOKO.

I been reading this thread for a while, feeling pretty down tonight do thought I post.

My husband was abusive, so why I feel sad 8 months down the line I do not know. He had a new girlfriend 2 months after our separation and is still with her now. He talked to me on the phone today about divorce...he was so nasty and cold on the phone. It is strange to think I married this man, I had a child with that man and now I mean absolutely nothing to him. He thinks I am a total monster and I am sure he has told people this too, why do I care??

I have tried online dating, I gone out with 5 men so far and none I have really clicked with. It is so hard for me yet he managed to find 'the one' so quickly. It seems so unfair considering how awful he treated me.

wwk That's a relief. I was wondering whether I'd have to look for a new career [bush]
2little rebecca welcome but so sorry you have to be here. Like me, you've arrived at a bar filled with wonderful people, good advice and humour and strength in the face of adversity. Makes this miserable situation slightly more bearable and in my case reassurance that I'm not the loony!

Talking of lunacy, Mr HRT has let me know he arrived safely (?) but it's pretty rough and he's worried about the car overnight. Just as well I'm yet again trying NC, at least when he's not here, I'm literally speechless. He wants me to worry about his bloody car that I didn't want him to buy and that we've rowed about putting on his bloody spreadsheet as he deserves 'one little treat' and doesn't feel that it should be included in the 'pot'. He has been enlightened.

Welcome to 2little and to rebecca this place has been my salvation - it is like a band of friends that I can tell anything to - as someone else said on here recently you feel that you can't keep on going on and one about it to RL friends all the time! Here is where you can say what you want. I check it in the morning to see who has been up at 2 am the previous night .. I feel for you ladies that have very young children but the other side of that is that you are young and have lots of time in front of you to make a new future. Your children love you and need you! You will get lots of good advice and pep talks on here! Sometimes it's even funny on here ...

As regards dating - at this stage? I don't think I would ever date anyone - its a bit hard after 30 years What I DO see after a day out like today are couples out and about and HIM following HER about in M and S or wherever and her saying - well what do you think of this ? Really he doesn't give a flying fuck! You can tell that by his face. I used to hate it when my H used to hold up clothes for me that I would never have worn in a MILLION years! Sad to say there are a load of bored looking couples out there but there are also some other happy looking ones - I look at them and think "Why her? " She looks a bitch, she dresses like a frump but she has a husband with her. Nothing like this to make you hate yourself and other people at times...

but enough of the venom - I am going to watch a DVD on my new one that I managed to not only choose and buy and hook up myself ( very difficult - attach former lead to new DVD ) and going to eat what's left in the fridge - sorry Hobbitettes but it's bacon butties and my fav - black pudding!!! I promise not to post a pic!

What a life on a Saturday night - finally vacuumed and even washed out all the parts of it - and now a DVD and a "grill up" with tea and vino.

Ha ha not [bush] it's obviously not just homonyms!

Good post wise - enjoy

So I ve had a look at Telegraph Dating, just out of curiosity. So red flags for me so far are:

1. Never been married/ in ltr
2. Says he knows how to treat a lady

I reckon that weeds out the hopeless cases and the letches

I've done the same izzie - you can browse without joining. We're on the same wave length re never married and knows how to treat a lady - I've thought exactly the same!

1 I am snorting at [bush] - you've just proved the rule! And I'm giggling away like a loon now...if only it turned into a emoticon!

Hello Rebecca, welcome to the bar, settle yourself in. 8 months you say? Firstly, there is no rush to meet someone else (and in fact, until you come to terms with your past, there's no point rushing head long into the future). All these OWs are yet to learn what kind of prize prat they have 'won'. We know, we've done our time.

8 months? I'm 13 months down the line. I'm still having good days and bad. I'm more accepting that when I wake up in the morning, I will wake up feeling a 'mood', which will set the tone of the day. This morning, for example, I woke up horribly hungover, having laughed my head off, and gotten ridiculously drunk, chatting to MrsC most of yesterday.

Within an hour, I had the house cleaned, and then I watched telly, and cooked some lunch, and sorted out some shit, and then got some work for Monday sorted out. Then I pottered about a bit and then thought 'actually, I'm liking today'.

Tomorrow will be different. But it is tomorrow.

If you're recovering from an abusive marriage, can I ask if you've done the Freedom programme?

And why do we care what they think of us? Because we spent years caring for them. We expect that to be reciprocated.

They don't, it hurts.

Haha you're losing it 1 have to say I had to google homonym - you learn something every day on MN sorry but even treats are part of the pot!

Hi Rebecca and 2little sorry about you situations. Unfortunately they don't do detaching well - much easier for them to not have to face up to what they've done if they're nasty. Be assured it's not you - it's them!!! If they're abusive, you're better off out of it

WWK letching at a man? You must be getting better! No shame to be had - it's a good sign [bush] - liking that emoticon. Can we have [penis] as well?

I keep hoping to see someone fit at the gym, but I think they all go in the actual gym whereas i go in the classes. Will have to take a casual wander sometime....problem is, my eyesight's crap and I'd have to get up really close to see their wedding finger! either that or binoculars! A friend met someone there and they're really happy. She does say she'll never get married again. Her Ex started cheating on her 3 months into the marriage!

Oh ladies I'm having a good giggle. I've been thinking of all the others we could have. Better check out talk guidelines first

wise is Bobs close?

bobs would it just be easier if you wore a neon sign saying "fit single babe [penis]magnet [bush]"?
Actually I'm long sighted but also my general vision isn't so good now either. I reckon a supermarket sweep is a better bet. I like to take a long look at their baskets!

oops - sorry wise it was wwk doing the letching.....

1 so I want to know how one man mowed the meadow this week. Did he use scissors or did the mower come back to life?

Oh lord - Telegraph dating!!! Had a quick gander and they all looked surprisingly normal. However those my age or older looked so.....old!!!! I especially chuckled over "Afternoon Delight - start with a little fun and see where it leads"

That's enough toe-dipping

izzie yes he mowed before he went out . A local farmer fixed it earlier in the week - was the blades apparently - they bent. Nothing to do with the wet grass of course!!

Izzie yes it's nice and bright in the supermarket (terrible for the wrinkles!!!)

bobs i wonder if they are more honest with their photos at the Telegraph. Thinking of someone's experience here where she reckoned the photo was taken ten years ago. Christ, at our age we would need an ambulance on speed dial, just in case he had a coronary

Oh yeah forgot they see me too [double bush]

So car insurance for DD1 pretty well sussed - a tad over £600 for her, her BF, me and DD2 on provisional. i know it'll go up when DD2 passes. Sorry Dave but the 2-4-1 cinema tickets were a better bargain with comparethemarket! However wouldn't accept my payment as of course DD1 has a different surname now. Job for tomorrow.

Ds2 and dog wondering why I'm laughing..

1

OMG if they're younger than their pics.....euuuuw! forget them - here's the ambulance!