HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Shall we draw straws for the feet?

Morning, ladies. Hung over here. For the first time in 6 months I was brought a coffee in bed by H. I did ask whether he'd poisoned it!! If I don't post after today can you launch an enquiry ladies

Well, I now know why he brought coffee. He's off to a concert tonight and is staying in a nearby hotel. I asked him who he was going with - no one apparently says the man he hates being alone!!

Will catch up on other posts later. On the plus side I can watch what I want on the telly tonight. KOKO xx

Ooh 1 I would so want to get a friend to follow him tonight! Of course he could just be winding you up

izzie love new name

Catching up the posts has made me emotional - you are all fine, fine people and they are selfish entitled ones. I got H to listen to the Mr demand man stuff and asked if he recognised himself. He does recognise himself apparently but he is like that because I'm too intelligent blah blah blah. Apparently he just wants someone to love him and all his flaws and never to argue with him - just to be there and then he wouldn't have to act like mr demand man. I 'kick back' too much instead of just accepting who he is. It's all such a mind fuck.

bambino [flowers| Everything the others have said in reply to your heart felt post is right. What makes me laugh is do they honestly think that over the years of marriage that nobody has ever come onto us? I've met several
people over the past 20 plus years who I had a bit of a connection with -one now as it happens - but I'm so aware of those feelings and that they are wrong - that I purposefully avoid /avoided putting myself in a situation where they could develop. That's was people in committed relationships do surely.

Before I met HRT I dated a medical student for a while - nothing serious but I noticed that whereas he had met my friends - I'd never met his. Anyway it transpired he was in a relationship with someone on his course. I immediately ditched him and remember feeling horrified and guilty that I hadn't been more wary. They got married eventually I believe. How can the OW be so uncaring. How do live with themselves - it's astonishing - even more so when they are friends with /known by the wife which seems to be the case fairly often.

I guess the cheaters all deserve each other in the final analysis. Anyway paper work for me today - again. Doesn't do to dwell too much.

bobs I did wonder whether he was trying to elicit a response. I just asked him to ensure it was on his spread sheet!!

I have the opportunity of a "hook up" next week, but I don't know if I should. I've never done anything like that (been with H since teens) I suppose I have the chance now to do what other people did before settling down. Will it be a confidence boost? ??

Really undecided, it would be on the basis of being just a physical thing, so no emotional attached.

I keep thinking I will need to do this sometime maybe it would be better to get it over and done with without the complications of a relationship.

Thoughts?

1 you mean he was trying to see if you were jealous?

I went out with a married man once! I was a ski rep and he was a client of a company I did the transfers for and I helped him get back his lost suitcase. He invited me out for dinner and as i was waiting for him in the bar one of his friends (casually) mentioned his wife. Well of course, and being quite young, I was intrigued and still went out for dinner with him. I was actually quite flattered I seem to remember - older married man etc!. I remember making him quite uncomfortable asking about his wife and children. Might have only been dinner but memorable all the same!

Braving how do you feel about it? Is it just the sex thing and getting it over with 9having sex with someone else?) I can understand that. Do you know him and is he nice? It could be good depending on how strong you're feeling at the time, or you could just dissolve into tears before, during, after. How about just going out with him for a drink initially - no strings?

Braving do you want to? I don't think you need to do anything on the basis of 'should' because that implies an obligation that someone else is imposing on you. Whereas, if you say 'you know what, I want to see what all the fuss is about' then go for it. And if you have a great time - bonus. If you have a crap time, then put it down to experience.

However, if you don't feel ready, then don't do it. It's about having the confidence to assert yourself with "this is what I want" rather than meeting others' expectations, I think.

Bambino we all have a massive crash around the period 4 - 6 months when we think we 'should' be 'getting over it' - and then give ourselves a hard time for not! You've been left with all the responsibility, worry and the rest - so it's perfectly understandable you're saying SHIT THIS IS HARD.

Re: leaving the kids behind...

"I will never understand men who don't want to provide for their children" was said by a man to a wanker twat. Happened to be a judge who said it. So if someone as clever as a judge can't fathom these men out - I guess we've got no hope . Anyway, he forced the wanker to make provision. Wanker twat not an happy man. Guess they don't like it when men tell them what to think, do and say. Go figure.

bobs maybe - I honestly think he's having a mini breakdown of some sort. He's been almost 'normal' and then got upset when we laughed together about something DS2 said. He's gone to mow before he heads off. I think izzie said ages ago that any glimpse of the men we married is difficult. I don't know. I go round in circles and drive myself crazy with the analysing. I analyse him, me, what I anticipate the kids' reactions will be. It's all totally exhausting. I'm so tired of the whole thing. Been trying to do some work in anticipation of a return to work next week but it's hard to be motivated and concentrate. The simplest of tasks seem like a mountain to climb.

braving brave my name and brave by nature Goodness knows. I guess it might be good to 'get it over with' but I'd be terrified. I never thought I'd have to be naked in front of anyone else again. I can't imagine it.
Personally I think it might be better to wait until you're stronger but if you are prepared for the fact that it might make you feel worse ......On the other hand it might make you feel fabulous and wanted and be a real boost.

I can now here him singing whilst mowing.....

Hear

I've pondered while dog walking and on the basis that I'm really not sure I'm going to decline. I've got a few child free days next week but I can spend them doing extra exercise or some batch cooking, more productive :)

Well it's an ego boost just to get the offer, braving my love, men are not exactly beating a path to my door here in the arse end of nowhere,
So you must be a hottie, to get the option of declining, I would be in two minds as well.

Not sure if I'm secure enough in my own skin to take any kind of negative experience, and that would send my self esteem even lower.

I would be nervous about getting my kit off as 1 says as well, but we are all different and it might be the right thing for you, you are quite a bit younger i think aren't you? Is it some one you already know, or a person from a dating site? < lives vicariously through braving >

I suppose it's good to be able to turn him down, it's someone from a dating site, I'm just window shopping really, but I've had a few offers of the dis honourable variety, this one is the best looking. I'm early 40s but feel about 90 at the moment, I need to loose some more weight and tone up a bit really then I might boost my own confidence.

Braving feel free not to answer but what's the site you're using? < nosy cow>

I stand in shops and other places and look at men ( of a certain age) and am repulsed/the thought makes me heave - except for hot young ones with beards..............

I have faced the possibility of never 'doing it' again. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. I'm 49 and hope life's not over on that front but it would be a huge step. Yes - I'm another nosy cow. Which site is this??

wise I know what you mean about looking at other men and there's not that many -in fact I could count on one hand - the number of men of my kind of age that I've spotted out and about and could even have contemplated going on a date with let alone the 'the other'... they were
probably all married too.

The future doesn't look to bright on the dating front.

Well HRT has headed off. Not sure what I feel about that either.

*too - seem to be losing the ability to remember my homonyms today

I wondered if I might be able to join you all.
Ex p left in February for OW. I had no idea but now discover it was going on as far back as November and I suspect further. We were trying for a baby, conceived in November, miscarried in december and conceived again in jan, now 23 weeks. I wanted him back so badly, blamed myself for everything, went under mental health team for personality disorder but now told I don't meet the criteria anymore and that my paranoia and questioning was associated to his compulsive lying, you name it he lied about it and would blame me as he would say if he told the truth is react badly. I did react badly to being lied to, not to the truth though.
We had dd who is 2.5, I thought she was the light of his life but he has just stopped contact with her for the 3rd time after becoming violent to me during contact. I'm so sad, I don't feel like I don't know him anymore, I feel like I never knew him, our whole life was a lie. I'm actually hoping he stays nc because I'm finding it easier. I find the need to rant a lot and try and express how I feel about it all because I try not to talk about it Infront of dd. he is 46, this woman is 30, he already has a son of 17 from his previous marriage, what she sees in this situation I will never know as he has already lied to her which upset her and he has said she is very insecure about everything and when discussing sorting things out with us in the early days he was telling her how he loved her so much and couldn't wait to spend his life with her!!
In this time his verbal abuse has been foul - anyone know why this is rather than any remorse? He's taken dd and refused to return her causing me to drive over the country to get her, hoped I'd miscarry, tried to force me into a termination and advised me to kill myself..
Everyone else going through this, it's awful and so traumatic and you are all doing brilliantly!

2little Welcome

For the nosy ones, it's the Tinder app. It is a bit notorious for men looking for a ONS but I have friends who've met their DPs through it.

I've chatted to a couple of men but that's it so far.

2little what is right about their reasons for their behaviour. Also, by making you the enemy, they can, in their minds, justify their actions. There are a number of people on this thread who have been victims to some particularly vile behaviour, as in your case. You will get support from them. whyme had her ex threatening to take the kids, phoning to say they weren't coming back etc. there are others too.

When I said "what" I meant the poster whose name starts with that word

braving match.com is recommended by a friend, she used it loads. It doesn't seem to have the reputation of Tinder, and she met some nice men for a relationship. I've also heard that Tinder is not all ONS and that many have met long term partners there. Anyway, keep us posted, we are nosy looking out for you

So I ve had a look at Telegraph Dating, just out of curiosity. So red flags for me so far are:

1. Never been married/ in ltr
2. Says he knows how to treat a lady

I reckon that weeds out the hopeless cases and the letches

I also spotted that a lot of men don't like women who smoke. Hmm. Lucky I'm not on the lookout then. Actually, I prefer men who don't smoke, even though I'm a smoker. I think it's about not having someone to encourage me to smoke even more