HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

bobs gotcha and will ponder

Morning all, I've adopted a cunning disguise. Actually I've lost my post about why I'm not engaging with him, but I think the word karma sums it up. Obviously I'm expecting karma to deliver a damn sight more than this, so this is just a little reminder for them, as there does seem to be a bit of a queue in these parts. Here's the song I play when I feel super cool, a song I dedicated to mother. But I think I can use it because I'm her star pupil of NC. I bet she never thought that would happen. Neither did I

You Gotta Be

Loving the name Izzie go girl

Just need to vent.
It's been five months since he made me leave my home.
Five months since he struck up his "friendship".
Five months of him and her doing the right thing by not parading their new love for all to see. So as to spare me and her husband.
Five months of pure and utter hurt.
I am broken and it doesn't feel as though I'll ever be fixed.
I'm dragging myself through each day and well the children just follow - a false smile for them because they shouldn't know the hurt I feel.

How can anyone cause so much hurt and pain ?? ... They have walked off scot free, she works with him running the business WE had planned, that I had pushed and supported him to do .. But I am not good enough, wasn't good enough.

They have broken two families apart, neither admit fault and I only hear of the sadness they feel ... They are the cause, the upset and the utter pieces of shit that caused my children to doubt themselves, 3&4 year olds that can't bare to be apart from me in case I chose to leave as he has, no child should have worries at their age.

I am tired of reassuring them, although for them I continue, that their father is a good man who loves them blah blah ... But in my head he is the cause of their pain and discontentment.

How do men walk away from their families ? An easy life for him and an even harder one for me has just begun.
I could never hurt someone the way that they have both hurt me - she knew me , she saw me every day ...

I'm sorry to rant but he has pushed me to the limit and I don't know when it'll be right again.

bambino how can they do what they do? It's a question I and many others on this thread ask ourselves. And for what?? I really feel for women who have been left with young children, because they have to deal with the day to day stuff, plus all of their emotions resulting. It's hard enough when our children are young adults, so I take my hat off to you for getting through each day. Which you are. And you are doing right to reassure your children, despite your own personal feelings. You are doing it for them only, not him. When they get older they will make up their own minds. And however difficult it is with your children, they are the most priceless and precious "things" you will ever have. At 4 to 6 months it is still tough. And you've done so well to sort out all of your accommodation etc whilst dealing with everything else. You must be physically and mentally wrung out, as well as emotionally. It will be right again, you are building the foundations for that. Keep venting here, get all the support you can, both emotional and practical. Remember, you are the parent who stayed, who will never let your children down. And don't apologise for ranting on here, it certainly helps, and that's what this thread is for

Five months is nothing Bambino love somehow you have found the strength to get this far because you put your DC first. They are shits. Glad to hear they are sad which is probably down to the guilt of destroying two families but they don't even know the meaning of the word compared to the sadness they have caused you.

Hobbit that sounds like the kind of parish magazine that gets a brief read then gets binned. Think of their ugly mugs in all those recycling bins with old loo roll tubes on top or for the less conscientious villagers in the main bin with a load of food leftovers dumped on top. Right where they belong eh?

Thankyou both.
I am just tired, worn down and if I'm honest I feel like in battling to stay a float.
My children have and always will be my priority, they have propped me up unknowingly the last five months.
I want to let go of this hurt I feel, I want to be the bigger person and accept that he fell in love with someone else, but I can't accept it because I ache from the burden he has left me with.

Nothing comforts me. The he'll regret it one day. Their lives won't be all rosey. He will be the same man he was to you, to her.

But he shouldn't be hers. He shouldn't have put his own needs and feelings before his families. He shouldn't be so blasé but he is.
Because he's found a chance for love - and although he was happy she makes him happier.

I just feel lost.

All this falling in love business is rubbish and I don't think it's makes you a smaller person to find it completely unacceptable. He had a family and commitments. No one really falls in love at first sight there is a lot of getting to know someone, flirting and nurturing thoughts of them before you get to that point. They could have easily nipped it in the bud before they 'fell in love' that is no excuse for the devastation they have caused. I do think eventually you will feel less hurt without having to accept his shitty behaviour but it will take a bit more time yet.

I agree with home 100% he should never have gotten involved with her in the first place, none of them should have. They had wives and children and responsibilities, but put themselves first.

Thank you All.

He is just so blind to the hurt has caused.
He only talks of his happiness.
Or that he knows it is okay because he is from a broken family and it's not affected him, perhaps he feels it hasn't but from the outside looking in it most definitely has.
He has no relationship with his father - well not a healthy one - months between contact, no particular interest and his brother is clearly the favourite. He has never had a dad role model who has put his life behind the childrens - my partner worked first family second and often third.
He often would come up and tell me how frustrated he was at other peoples partners and how awful they were, but he may not have been abusive or a gambler - he was neglectful and selfish though - selfishness is not a choice you make it is an awful character trait.
He has walked away because he had his head turned by someone who was lonely in a marriage and they found "happiness" pulling pints and serving bags of crisps.

I had a hard life. I was a pub landlord widow who was basically a single parent six days - he got up late every day , I was his alarm clock - he didn't rush up in his split shift and he put his self before me and the children. Yet I couldn't hurt him, I would never have hurt him.

It's all such a pile of crap - I just get the feeling now that so many people men just have no commitment now to the vows they take, the families they create or the people that have supported them. Life is life - it has its ups and downs - the "for better for worse" - and no one is happy 100% of the time. I wonder if modern life contributes to this - the need for instant gratification, the right to be "happy", the cast off society, the here and the now.. I am not saying for a minute that people have to stay together forever and ever BUT it seems to me, that so many people just "opt out" at the first hint of trouble . In addition all this social media, all the shite on TV like Kyle etc, all the encouragement to introspection, life coaches blah blah just ramps it all up. Was my Dad sitting checking FB and agonising over his feelings of unhappiness when he was working 3 day weeks and trying to support a family in the 1970s? No - he was working an extra job as a taxi driver at nights . Life wasn't all rosy but he did what he had to do. I am not saying that we have to live in an unhappy situation - I guess I am just saying you have to work at it - its not handed on a plate....mmmmm..sat morning musings...

But life isn't easy is it?!
I don't for one minute believe you should stay in an unhappy relationship - there were times when I was so alone because he was working, when he decided to take no paternity leave when my babies were born and left me with a new born and a newly walking toddler. When I went in to labour with our second child and he stayed at work until he had closed up.
But there were times when he would make me so completely happy and I lived for those, because after all you take the rough with the smooth.
If these cowards are that unhappy why do they moan about trivial things but never say I'm so deeply depressed in this relationship I'm thinking of shagging the barmaid behind your back at christmas ?!
Or do they just get a glimmer of the good life of freedom they once had - not think twice of dumping the pressures on their other half and jaunt off into a life of untainted happiness.

The only thing that keeps me sain in all of this is knowing that I am the parent who stayed, I will not regret anything and I will have processed this whole heartedly. These men will one day be hit by a loss be it this year or five, when there children are costing up to a step father figure six days a week , when they know little of what their children do ... At 3 and 4 why any one would want to miss out so much without even trying is beyond me.

My STBXH claimed he and OW weren't "looking" for an affair, it just "happened". So I said "What, she was doing admin and you were on the phone then suddenly you were in each other's arms snogging passionately?"

"Yes, that's more or less what happened".

I work with some pretty hot men, but if one suddenly swept me into his arms I'd be FFS, get off NOW. You're a married man. "Just happened" my arse.

Right - i was going to wash the kitchen floor - haven't done it ! Was going to vacuum - haven't done it! ( Will do this evening ...maybe..) Still sitting here on the sofa so I need to kick my arse into gear and get out I think - have a few things I need from the shops so planning to get out soon..was a beautiful morning here but clouding over now with nasty grey clouds - hope all the Hobbitettes have a good day whatever it involves x

You're a wise ol owl... wise .....
See what I did there? Egad, I'm a genius

Feel a bit better today, no one puts hobbit down for long, it's just been a bit of a tough week for me, shit happens eh?

I'm sick of this now tbh, people can be so inconsiderate and judgemental, and I've had to walk a fine line with my ex to get the best outcome for my son and myself. But I did it . So I've just got to wait a little longer until it's signed and sealed, and then I can say what I like, to the both of them.

Do ya know I've never actually seen her face to face since all this kicked off in October ?

That's going to be an interesting one isn't it?
P

I will have processed this whole heartedly

And it's precisely because you do this that you will be able to totally heal and, when you are ready, start a new relationship without any baggage. And this is where the twunt's go wrong. Often they leave because of perceived problems which were never addressed. Except they mostly go off with an OW, and therefore they don't get to reflect, as we are doing. And that's why, one day, after the rosy glow has worn off, it will come back to bite them. You may be able to leave the wife and kids, but you can never leave yourself. And that is their problem.

Izzie exactly. I'm doing my post-split homework, working on me, not looking for escape with a new relationship.
Told STBXH, when he was puzzling over his continued misery " Wherever you go, there you are". Can't run away from yourself.

Hobbit you are one very clever cat.

Not only that, you are amazing company and very kind. And I bet you look fab with the new clothes, glasses, makeup, creams, iPad.....go go go

I do hope I get to actually meet some hobbiteers. Because these days, I can, if I want to.

Roz the ex has done precisely what neither of us would do. He went out looking for someone when we originally split, and he's still running away now. Only trouble is, the main road is now NO ENTRY. I sense he is becoming an embittered and angry little man. And I'm becoming veeeery calm. Which must spook the shit out of him, because calm wasnt exactly my middle name. Now he doesn't know what he's dealing with.

What's going to happen now bobs re arbitration, court etc.
Did I miss a post ?

bobs won't be up yet. She hadn't yet decided as of last night.

Yep, izzie you're a stealth bomber now, he doesn't know what to expect....
That must spook the shit out of him.... Good work....

I want to say I look amazing, but I can't lie to my lovely Hobbiteers can I?
You can't polish a turd, but you can sprinkle it with glitter, so that's what I've done, sprinkle , sprinkle, sprinkle......

Hobbit I bet you look like an amazing woman of your age. Probably not such a good look if you were 20 of course, but hey no you're not. I always find that it's best not to look in a mirror if I'm wearing my glasses. I much prefer soft focus

PS do you have hairy feet?