HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Hobbit We'll have to take it in turns :)

Emptying the dishwasher, not with the FWB, interesting cross post .

Last year we got a quote to have the garage roof redone plus new window and door in it too. I know he's reluctant to spend out on it now, or to put it kindly, he's delaying it. Anyway, I noticed a few holes in its roof today so have emailed him, literally telling him that. No suggestions about actually getting the builder in. So let's just see how he handles this one. I suspect it will be PA, he will just ignore the email. I will send the same email in a week's time if so. I'm. It going to be drawn into an argument about how I'm impatient and he's so busy. I'm sure that's what he wants. He surely must need some more "justification"for not seeing his sons for two months

Should read "I'm not going to be drawn....."

An FWB sounds like a plan - better than a HWOABAA

home If you had asked me a year ago I'd have said he wasn't EA, just bloody difficult to live with at times. He's always known what to say to hurt but I guess I've been guilty of that too at times. I suppose in a way I'd excused it as being able to hurt those that we love and care about the most as we can get away with it - a bit like the teenagers we've been talking about. His back is now very much against the wall and so it's almost like a no holes barred situation. What he said he wanted is becoming a self fulfilling prophesy. We've said it before - be careful what you wish for....

braving dishwasher - yay

izzie two months - so sad. You wonder how they can live with themselves.

My daughter persuaded me to load whatsapp onto my phone and has been sending silly messages all afternoon. I love her so much Yet again, for those doing battle with teenagers, this is a relatively new phenomenon - not my love obviously but her happy to be silly with her mum found hours. We're both supposed to be dealing with more pressing concerns but hey ho - there's always tomorrow....

Yes I down/up/sideways loaded Whatsapp about a yr ago. Quite funny having 3 ways chats with DDs sometimes. Also Twitter about a month ago which I don't really see the point of (I'm sill an egg with 4 friends/followers/whatever). Messenger has been good as I've got back in contact with past friends. Just today chatting with someone now living in Melbourne

H is back (not that he's been away of course) he's just messaged to ask if dd wants to go out for dinner, we weren't expecting to see him till monday so presumably he's feeling guilty.

She doesn't really want to go, she says she doesn't like him because he's not being nice, which is hard to argue with.

I've persuaded her to go :( I can't win if I encourage her to go when she doesn't want to i feel bad, if I don't and tell him she doesn't want to go he'll say I'm turning her against him. Bloody hard. I've got some telly to watch while they're gone.

My main pension cetv came today, but not Hs assuming it's coming here.

bobs I'm with you re twitter. DD persuaded me that I needed it and found me some people she thought I'd like to follow - I just don't get it. Any news?

braving

I think teenagers are different in that their brains aren't yet capable of seeing anything beyond the now and they lash out without thinking. To me he sounds like a Mr Right 1 if my link works below. It's the first time I've attempted a link. I get what you are saying about his back being against the wall and certainly my ex got a lot worse when he realised I was getting myself free from him but looking back I can see the signs that he was always abusive I just didn't recognise it at the time.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

I was married to a combination of Mr Right and the Player.

Once again lovely to hear about your older DCs.

home my goodness - that's interesting reading. I couldn't honestly say I recognised H until I got to Demand man.... That's him to be honest.

Yes Demand Man came closest for me too, except he never shouted or got angry.

No news yet. anyone know what time the sol's working day finishes? I know my sol is away till Monday but he said he would leave instruction for anything to be forwarded to me, even so far as to say I could initiate Form A being lodged in his absence. Thinking of phoning his secretary at 5pm

Mine was the Drill Sergeant. Surprised it didn't mention him by name. It took me months and months (well, years, really) to get hold of a copy of "why Does He Do That". I watched people I worked with for over a year before I decided there was one person I could trust to ask to order me a copy and have it sent to my work place. Then weeks to get up the courage to ask.

This was one of the reasons STBXH hadn't let me work ( I was actually volunteering),because he knew I'd try to escape his grasp. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

The man I asked was a star. I'd have rather asked another woman,but I couldn't find one I trusted. He looked surprised when I asked him if he had an amazon account and could order me a book. I said "it's subtitled 'Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' and he was immediately understanding.

Ordered it straight away, found another book the same size and put it's cover over my book so I could read it during breaks without anyone knowing what I was reading. Gave me a key to a drawer I could keep the book in undetected and still feel safe.

Never probed or asked questions, never took advantage in any way of his knowledge of what I was going through. Offered to take me to nearest big town to see WA, with cover story from work.

I was very lucky. That book helped me recognise the extent of the abuse I was suffering. I was so afraid I'd ask for help from the wrong person who would either refuse, treat it all as their own soap opera or put me in danger through carelessness. Or think they had some kind of leverage over me. He was great. The right person at the right time.

Just phoned - nothing! SF is obviously going to do what he always does best - sweet F-all. wonderful, great blooming marvellous. Just can't wait to go through to fabulous process that is family court! (sarcastic emoticon) Twat!

Roz how lovely of him

bobs what an idiot. So sorry for you. He is of course entitled to do as he pleases as demand man.

roz you're a brave and clever lady. You've done so we'll to escape. I'm beginning to think perhaps I have too.

In later years HRT developed Mr right traits too. Less so early on. He's always been demand man though I think.

1

Anyway, I'm off to the gym to let off some steam. Wonder how MrsC got on???

And I hope he is having the crappiest birthday in crappendom!!!!!!

Hope things went well for Mrsc, have been wondering all day.

Enjoy the gym bobs. Mine's a Gemini too...... please don't take offence anyone who is also Gemini - Mr HRT has all the negative aspects and few of the positive. Not that I necessarily believe the whole star sign thing anyway but still interesting reading sometimes.

Yes Mrs C really hoping she's alright. Her thread doesn't seem to be there?

MrsC has had to disappear for a while but she is ok

Roz your story is amazing. I found the book invaluable too. As soon as you recounted your conversations 1 I thought Mr Right from what you say it must have been the more recent traits I was recognising being married to a Mr Right myself.

bobs at least you will be working to a timetable so there is an end in sight and in well under a year judging by my experience. You may find that you don't have to go far with the process to get him to see sense and be reasonable.