HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Ha I know - I've got some Premium Bonds and atm I hope I DON'T win every month!!!

I daren't check my premium bonds or buy a lottery ticket how annoying would that be.

Evening everyone. Mr HRT home and desperate to know how it went. I said it's best if we leave it to sols at this stage. I did tell him I'd paid £500 on account. He paled a little. He's eyeing up the laptop (HP) but not said anything. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

green in your circumstances I'd say it was really valid (not negative) to say that moving is a stress and strain you can well do without. I don't know how legally it would stand up as an argument but I'd have thought it should be a factor.

Loved the letter. Yes, best not to check premium bonds at the moment.

Those struggling with younger DC - my now 21 year old DD and 19 year old DS are unrecognisable to the difficult teenagers they were a few years back. Keep the faith. They played H and myself off against each other like violins and that was without the additional stress of separation in the mix. A mother's love is unconditional and they know that and therefore feel safer testing the boundaries and acting unreasonably towards mum. They behave like it and say hurtful things because they can I guess. My heart goes out to those struggling with this issue though. I'd have felt outraged at the injustice of it too.

1 you are an inspiration.

When we told the boys after the last exam we delayed agin for two days to be after prom too. We told them together. We were very honest (although some things we did not volunteer). Son number three knew. Son number one was not surprised. Son number two was devastated. But, he is ok now on the whole. I just thought you might like to now. Overall I don think there was anything that I would change with the benefit of hindsight.

I am drowning in work stuff again. regional Union rep meeting me tomorrow. Should I remind husband to obtain up to date cetv etc for mediation.. Do I push to get it done! I don't know. So much is in a state of flux right now.

That's reassuring to hear 1

Thanks green you're right it's for his benefit too if I do well my ex will always be broke no matter how much he has he always spends more than he has on indulging himself at least whatever I get will go towards a stable home.

Sid's buying a lovely house with OW down our bloody lane. Literally opposite where he's living now and still partly visible from my house. There's a big tree that blocks most of my view so it's not as bad as the current situation but it's still too near.

It's not got outbuildings or anything so the business is not relocating for the moment although the parking situation will improve for me so I can avoid Sid apart from when I'm at work.

Our daughter has not said much. I don't think she expected this so soon neither.

He's so bloody happy and exited about it though. He's not got excited about anything we've done for years. It really hurts that he's looking forward to the future as much as he seems to be.

Good luck Mrs C for tomorrow.

Green I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment. I find it astonishing that your insurance money is going to end up in the pot. If he had any decency he wouldn't make a claim on it. That money has got sod all to do with him.

Braving hope you've had a better day today. My sister's husband has remained very good friends with my ex-DH. He has met OW, she came into our work when he was there. I think I'd find it really hard if he was actively meeting them as a couple. My sister wouldn't tolerate going out with them so it's not likely to happen but it is difficult. I think some people try and avoid taking sides as it gets a bit complicated.

Home it is very hard with the house. It's probably not been in my best interests to stay in mine but it's my home and I don't want any more change in my life at the moment so I understand your attachment. If you can find a house that you like and make it your home I think in time you will grow attached to it as well and you won't have any unpleasant memories perhaps associated with your family home.

I am sure your son will always want to see you. Kids say all sorts of horrible things when they are upset. My DD has been a lot harder work as a teen than her brother was. But he could still be bloody awkward and I did get upset a few times but they grow out of it. He's a lovely lad now, very thoughtful and supportive.

I like the cake Wise

1 well done on the laptop and going to the Solicitors. It does help when they are pleasant and they put you at ease.

Izzie pleased you had a good day yesterday. Your "it kills any residual feelings about him in moments of weakness" comment struck a chord with me. If Sid hadn't been a nasty, spiteful bastard for quite a while I don't think I'd be anywhere near meh. He actually did me a favour by being so horrible even though it didn't feel like it at the time. Enjoy the spending!

Rozalia congratulations on the job. Wonderful it's in an area you're passionate about. Well done, you deserve it.

Wise good luck with the lawyer tomorrow x

Hobbit sorry to hear about your son. Perfectly natural that you are struggling and no doubt made harder by having to deal with it by yourself and knowing your ex has significantly contributed to how your son feels.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but the most important thing is for your son to be happy. Plenty of people could have a really good job and realise their potential but not be happy doing that. Other intelligent people could be really happy doing a job that doesn't challenge them because they enjoy it and there's no pressure.

We all want the best for our children and want them to realise their potential and get a really good job, but it's no guarantee that they will be happy and fulfilled.

My son used to practically live in his room but they do grow out of it to some extent Take care sweetheart, love to you and your sons

Like the divorce letter Bobs

What a cruel pair Iwas my heart goes out to you. I see from your other thread that they have some kind of agreement where they rent until you are divorced but I would suggest running it past your solicitor. He could well be lying to you and it seems rather risky to be planning such a thing when no one knows what the outcome of a divorce will be until its over and it could drag on for months or even years depending on how proactive your solicitors are. At this stage there is no way he can know if he will be in a position to buy a house with OW. If you havent done so already it would be wise to lodge matrimonial claims on any properties in his sole name to prevent him selling them. As for him being happy and excited well I think we all know that is unlikely to last. From what you have said it won't be long before she cheats on him if she hasn't already she probably kept that other bloke on the go without him realising.

MrsC good luck today you have honesty on your side and that will shine through but I am sure you are nervous I hope you'll be able to update us all how it goes.

Iwas and everyone else who has described their DC as difficult teens turning into lovely young adults your words are so helpful for me. Hobbit sorry to hear about your worries with your DS it is hard when you know they have a greater potential but emotional difficulties or lack of motivation get in the way. It's hard being the parent trying to sort it all out whilst the other parent just sods off and couldn't care less.

MrsC thinking of you today, wishing you every luck and success. You have right in your side.

Oh iwas I saw your latest news. The thing is, now that he has made the first move, as it were, you can make a decision in your own time about whether you want to move, and if so where, knowing where he is/will be. It's all a bitter pill to swallow though, the whole lot. But you have been doing incredibly well recently and are focussing on your own life. Try to not let this derail you.

all I've been busy this week and haven't had much time to post on here although have been reading all your posts. I'm fine although a lot of negative thoughts about him have entered my head at various times. Also, because I've been doing a lot of sorting out, it's been a bit strange, knowing that I'm sorting things for a potential move. But positive, whether I move or I don't. It's still moving on, even if it's not moving out. KOKO all xx

Morning all. Pouring here today. Still in bed but like you fuckit beginning to panic about my pile of paperwork. Thanks for your kind words yesterday. Telling the DC is a mountain that must be climbed still. DS2 said that he couldn't wait until the summer hols yesterday - got lots planned with mates post GCSE. Felt guilty.

Other than mrsc -GOODLUCK - I think there are a few other legal appointments today. Hope they all go well.

iwas Your thoughtfulness and consideration for others comes across so clearly in your posts. It makes the fact that Sid could even begin to think it was in anyway acceptable to buy a house within sight of yours and live there with OW totally objectionable. What a thing to do to his children too. I so feel for you. Do you have to accept this? It's surely hard enough to wake up every morning and know H is with OW - let alone having to see the house they've bought together as a permanent reminder. It's so cruel - of all the houses, they've picked one that you can see. It's a horrible thing to do. You are still married as well aren't you? Goodness, just when you think these these twunts can't stoop any lower.....

Talking of Twunts, had a tricky late night discussion with HRT carrying on about my meeting with solicitor. Of course, when I mentioned a couple of minor things that needed clarifying he started shouting. Accused me of going 'soft in the head' and was my sol an idiot too??

He's apologised this morning and said he doesn't know how we got here - he just needs 6 months apart to think things through....The sad thing is that if he had reasonably and with an ounce of compassion for my feelings explained this to me 6 months ago, I'd probably have agreed. He refuses to understand that it's not his doubts about his feelings for me that I can't forgive him for but the things that he's said and the way that he said them. I asked him to think of a single insult or cruel thing that I've said to him. The only thing he could think of was that I told him he needed a psychiatrist. I've been a bitch, a cow, a loony, frigid, evil and an effing nutter at regular intervals - to name just a few. Of course, I provoked him into insulting me. He doesn't go round at work insulting people and so therefore it must be my fault he insults me. He's made me doubt everything about myself and the kind of person I am. He's honestly driven me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. If it wasn't for the children I believe I could have done something very stupid. You lovely people and my dear parents have been lifesavers. On what planet does he live on to honestly think he can now go and experiment with other women - which I guess is ultimately what this is all about - and if it doesn't work out come back and we pick up where we left off.......incredible.

Koko all xx

Morning izzie x

Does the rain make others feel sad? Silly. Was a glorious day here yesterday and I was upbeat. The rain starts and......

To everyone who is having trouble with their teens? Do you worry constantly that their behaviour is because of the situation they are in? I know I worried a lot about my middle dd who is 13 and starting to be really moody, until a friend of mine (who is a counsellor - a very good friend to have!!!) told me that 13 year olds are like that anyway!! And that a lot of their behaviour is just normal.

I find that helps me. My eldest is 17 and doing exams and very stressed, but she is always this way with exams. It's hard to deal with on my own though.

I had a difficult night as DH had my DDs at home for the night and I had to stay out. I hate having to do that, it upsets me so much to have him back in my home and bed, albeit without me. I spent the night with a FWB. I don't recommend that as a solution by the way, it makes everything a lot worse. To have a night of affection and then walk away to utter emptiness and loneliness makes it utterly shit.

iwas for you - what a real shit sid is - cant beleive this is for any other reason than to try & "damage" you further - no reasonable person would consider this

1 - just relentless head fuck - with you on the weather too - reflects what I have to deal with today

toast - i am constantly questioning this - i know teens are difficult anyway and this is a hard enough period for them anyway without this being thrown into the mix - i am a bit interested in your FWB and how you are dealing with this may pm you later

good luck to all today

remember the steel balls and dave strutt - i need to find some oomph from somewhere to get through today

KOKO L.G.O xx

iwas It just shows what sort of people these woman are, absolutely no morals and no sense of decency.

Maybe light a bonfire one day when the wind is in the right direction ??

Hi all, thanks for all your kind words, i do appreciate them so much.

MrsC wishing you well today at court.

Bobs today is decision day for shitface, let's hope he makes the right one.

Iwas absolutely astounded at the antics of Sid and Flooz, I think you need to see your solicitor pronto and sort out your financial position, surely he can't buy another property until you have a settlement between you, re the business and other assets. He's just adding to the complications of disentangling yourselves financially. Or is she bankrolling the lot ?
Gutted for you my sweet, that's a low blow.

1 You are amazeballs....

On a more positive note, there's a man in my kitchen fitting my shiny new sink (no more dripping tap) and my first ever dishwasher, I'm unreasonably excited about the dishwasher.

H will pull a face when he sees it but fuck him.

1 the more you say about him the more he sounds like an abuser you are describing emotional abuse. I don't know how you have managed to be so restrained all this time that the only insult he could think of was not really an insult at all.

toast yes I think about that a lot there's just no way of knowing whether he would have had the same problems if we were still together the only difference would have been that I might have had some backup.

Steel balls. Dave strut. Like it.

Morning all. I have taken to getting up really late, and going to bed really late. I then spend a happy hour or so on this thread and drinking coffee. I haven't been out of the house since last Friday (done gardening though) as have been saving up my "busy" day for today - which is going food shopping and gym tonight!!! This is my Life

Hobbit you made me smile - couldn't have put it better! And I am fed up of calling him stbx he will be henceforth known as SF (shitface)

1 "He doesn't go round at work insulting people and so therefore it must be my fault he insults me" errrrrr yup, it's amazing that in their heads no-one has a problem with them outside the house (could be coz they're the boss and no-one dares to tell them when they're being a twat though!). You are dealing with it all (and him) so well

toast must be a weird situation for you (FWB??)

Braving woo a new dishwasher!! I had to leave my 3 month old dishwasher behind - no room here. Given up trying to get glasses sparkling.

Teens = stroopy. Also teens = shouting at parents and storming out of the room. Also teens = parents telling teens off and teens storming out of the room. This is a fact.

However once they have spent time in their room they normally have a little think, realise they over-reacted and come down quieter (no apology though!)
I have been very lucky with mine. DD1 about as stroppy as the next teen, DD2 tended to not say anything. Could be that's it's better that they do say how they feel rather than bottle it up

FWB, is friend with benefits, bobs you auld gimmer, tee hee!
Hope SF decided to do the right thing by you and the girls, xx

Dishwashers are ace, braving my love, but then you have the problem of who empties it! < diamond shoes are too tight>

Still waiting....oooooh I want a FWB! I'm far enough removed from SF that I think I could cope