HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

I have a confession...I spoke to the weasel on the phone last night. Yep...it really didn't do me any good. So why did I do it...god only knows.
I tried to tell him about my eldest DD problems and guess what ...his answer...she'll get over it. Aaaaaaarrrggghhh...then he said she could stay with him more. Bloody hell he's the reason why she's like this.

Then stupidly I asked him to explain why he had treated me so badly. He said he would tell me but not yet. Yep another act of control.

I feel like I'm actually self harming myself by expecting him to be reasonable.

I had had a really good day with friends at the beach and I go and flagellate (if that's the right word) myself at his feet again. Get a bloody grip woman.

He also told me that he had never told me I would lose the house...I must have read his text wrong! WTF!
If someone sent a text to you ... "If you go through solicitors we will have to put the house on the market. This is not a threat". What would you think it meant?

Hi all lovely ladies and lovely man, I am shamelessly place marking. I am sorry that I haven't posted for such a long time. I can't believe you've got to thread 9! I am in a terrible place at the moment, court in the morning (finances, again, thought it was over, it wasn't it seems). I have had experiences this past week I never thought I'd have (not in a good way). Hope to catch up properly over the weekend when hopefully I will have a bit more of an idea of where I am going. Rambling now...KOKO x

Yup - screwing with you why - but then you know it and all this has done is confirm what you already know of him.

No, you read his text right. It's amazing how then deny what they have said/written even when you show them proof (don't even try, it's not worth it)

No more flagellating - get yourself a pamper session instead. Hope you're feeling ok

Hi MrsC This one's for you, along with the steel balls and the pineapple

We're all holding your hand MrsC. The viciousness does take your breathe away sometimes. We don't expect you to post, we don't expect anything...we are your silent support. When you're in court we will all be sitting with you.

Thanks bobs ...I'm off out shopping soon with a lovely friend that I met at a Freedom Group. So a bit a retail therapy will help. xx

Hand holding too MrsC

Thank you so much my lovely girls for all your hugs and support, I've just got to accept it and let it go, I can't force him to return for his second year at uni. He is having counselling, but won't agree to any thing yet, shit, this is hard.

Sending you all good wishes, mrsc for court, evil pair of twunts they are.

Hobbit Uni isn't for everyone but I do get where you are coming from and I would probably feel the same BUT I do know that if they are not happy then sometimes it is a waste of time ( friend of mine - her son now ditching the second course that he started! Nightmare)

Maybe he just needs the time to come to terms with everything and take some time out?
Would you rather he was down like this at home with you ( where you know what is happening) or somewhere where you don't know what is going on with him? Just a thought...

He is at home with me, wise my darling, the uni is in the city where I work, so he would come in and home with me or ex.
With his aspergers we thought we would see how he got on first, before putting him in halls.
Although he is 19, he is very young for his age and not 'street smart'
He is so bright academically, but maybe you are right , perhaps uni is not for him.

Afternoon all. MrsC good luck for tomorrow - I've been lurking on your thread occasionally. Nobody should have to deal with what you've been dealing with. I should think if ever there was a reason for saying that you're better off without him then it applies in your case.

Roz congratulations.

hobbit Try not to worry about youngest. Sometimes a year out does help to focus the mind. The OU is brilliant. Could you compromise and 'agree' to him taking the year out if he 'agrees' to part time job and OU module or something similar. I too would be concerned about talk of a year out without another plan in place. Teenagers can become far too attached to their bedrooms and computers at times. It's so tricky. You sound like an amazingly supportive mum though. I guess his dad's got nothing useful to contribute.....

Well I've successfully negotiated first visit to solicitors - she was lovely and appeared to know her stuff. Didn't cry too much. I know where I'm going now - to whip his backside. On a serious note, she thought I was being more than reasonable and that he seemed to be a man who wanted everything his own way! I know she's paid to be biased but it was interesting what she though of his little spreadsheet! Still the beginning of a long journey but she said I seemed together and sensible. I'm still amazed when people say that. Mr HRT would have me believe I was a crazed money grabbing bitch - it seems not! We chatted briefly about the DC. She said she'd be amazed if they hadn't already picked up on the vibe and interestingly by the time they get to their early 20s her experience is that they've pretty much sussed out both parents. Let's hope so. Those of you with younger DC, who fear manipulation, the truth will out in the end.

So onwards and upwards for me. Had a little chat and a laugh - yes I laughed- with a lovely guy last night at a sporting thing with DS -Izzie fear not, your advice is ringing in my ears - but it made me feel better. All is not lost perhaps.

It's all the bullying that they do in the run up to court that makes it so hard. He can't get to me because I act too detached so he gets to DS instead. Goodness knows what he said to him but he's in a massive depression won't talk apart from saying how awful i am or move from the bed won't do anything.

Sorry to change the subject slightly but just been to my first one to one counselling session and my thought in the car on the way home was..gosh if I had ever done one of these whilst still married I would have probably come home and divorced him straight away anyway, anyone else felt like this?

semtex I've not had counselling but do know that if I met my ex for the first time today and got talking to him - I don't think I'd like him very much. I'd say he'd changed beyond recognition but maybe I'm just a better judge of character now. Some of the things I hear him saying make me cringe. His politics has changed too. We voted differently - I did vote in the end - for the first time ever. Says it all perhaps.

1 well done. Seems like your sol is on the same wavelength. Wonder how long it will take for stbx to enquire how it went Some exes will not accept that you are being "more than reasonable" so it's quite handy to have something extra to bargain with - ie ask for more of something than you were going to in order to "let" him bargain you down.

Remember - it's all a game!!!!!

Home see what 1 wrote re DC - confirms what we have been saying. His head is probably in a mess after what his dad's been saying. I should leave him to it and just say you are there for him if he needs you (or some such!)

Someone'e thread has been deleted. I sense a shitload of fuckwittery afoot Hopefully it will all come out in the wash tomorrow, along with the rest of the dirty laundry!

1 I had never had counselling before today, not sure whether its good or bad, just made me realise that I had put up with too much for too long, didnt realise he was that clever, oh well onwards and upwards, oh and by the way you sound so strong and give lots of good advice Koko x

bobs I noticed that too. Bloody hell, the mind boggles. Everything is crossed for luck

Well you never know who is "lurking" better safe than sorry I guess

If I met my ex for the first time today I'd probably think the same as I did 24 yrs ago - charming and rather shy. Except he's overweight now. However I would hope to be a better judge moving forward

Yes that's very interesting 1 about sussing out both parents by their early 20s. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I really am such a bad person but I need to try not to fall into that trap that's what the ex always had me thinking and other people seem to like me. bobs you're right I will try to ignore it and be matter of fact. He knows that he could go live with his dad if he wished and I couldn't stop him. He said 'emotionally you stop me doing that' I have no idea what that means.

Never done counselling myself but only through lack of time I'm very tempted I like the sound of your lightbulb moment semtex if I met my ex now I wouldn't go near him it's down to me changing not him. The more I think about it the more I realise he hasn't changed at all he just used to mostly directed his hatred elsewhere so I was blind to it.

And snap with the withholding his address thing. Two different judges have challenged it yet they seem powerless to force him to give his correct address.

Been "doing an izzie " this afternoon - managed to recreate 2 metal shelving storage units from Ikea ( first time is usually bad enough never mind after disassembled then redone) . SO pleased with myself - the storage area looks so much better. Shared area - my neighbours will be so jealous!

Something I just came across...we wish!!!!

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. …
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me.
Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem (smile emoticon).

Ha! Love the letter...but if you're in E&W you gotta have a lottery win contingency plan.

Hi all
My laptop has gone on the blink again so now on iPad & not used to it. What make is the new laptop think I need to make a Purchase
Roz congrats on job & I have had the family stuff too - he always got on with His sister - it was me who didn't - seems to have forgotten that it was me arranging family get togethers!

Why - our stories are so similar - I'm having all sorts of mixed emotions at the moment - my c suggested I ask him why he is being so difficult when he wanted this - not sure whether it will achieve anything though & if he had a change of behaviour would I trust him - highly unlikely!

Home -sorry your ds is being so difficult - it really is so hard to deal with when you know the reason you are taking all this shit is to get the best for your kids -I've just ranted at my 2 but had to tell them I am struggling -too many things happening at once

Hobbit can I run away with you please - this is how I feel too

Was talking to my DF yesterday & he has said if x gets away with this he will lose all faith in the justice system -me too!

i am trying not to dwell on stuff but it is hard - is it being negative stating that if house Is sold it will all be left to me to deal with- all the packing up of stuff Moving house is stressful enough & it is normally a positive change not an outcome that has been forced on you.

I have sols meeting tomorrow too brain doesn't want to function anymore!!