HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

X's behaviour is a result of "stuff" that he still has to deal with but is pushing onto me - eases the guilt, stops him facing up to reality etc and I am his easy target.

green, same situation here for me. In fact, all through the marriage problems were caused by STBX's issues, I was just a fairly normal person. Probably more of a pushover than most, sadly.

Then when STBXH started the 2 year behaviour (don't know how to describe it..phase?), which led to him eventually leaving, it was all my fault. I knew it wasn't, it was like he was in a different reality to me. I think it actually had nothing to do with me at all, I was something handy to blame all his unhappiness on. I'm sure he has bpd or something similar, probably because of his severely abusive childhood.

Example of the blaming. All through the marriage X had little to do with his B. When we met they were estranged, had been for years. A brief reconciliation ended after a few months, with a screaming row in our front garden, my kids watching, bemused. Then when X announced he was leaving me he got back in touch with his B. Joined fb especially.

X told me he was estranged from B because of me!!!! When I pointed out that I'd had nothing to do with it all and had never said a negative word about his B, I was told it was because I had so much integrity X "knew" I'd disapprove of B. He had no choice but to be estranged from him. So it was all my fault .

The fact that this all made perfect sense to X was one of the more alarming aspects of it. There was an onslaught of similarly well-thought out accusations blaming me for everything. Everything.

Now X regrets leaving, is miserable, realises how patient and supportive I was, now that's ended and he and B can barely be civil to each other. Mad bastards.

Roz Your best out of that nonsense.

I've certainly come to the realisation recently that even if I'm on my own now forever, it's still better than the hell that has been living with H for the last 18 months of our relationship.

braving I certainly am. I can't believe I lived with all his dysfunctional, damaging crap for so long.

Yesterday I was offered a job in an area I'm passionate about. Lots of training, great environment, prospects, people I enjoy working with. Naturally I accepted. For years, 18, actually STBXH prevented me from working and told me I was unemployable anyway. I didn't dream this would be possible in my mid-fifties.

I think my relief at finding a career is still possible with my history and age allowed my brain to release some of it's suppressed feelings about STBXH. Last night I had many angry, unhappy dreams about him. That hasn't happened since he left so I think my brain is beginning to gently process it. As and when I can deal with it.

Roz Brilliant news, a fresh start :)

Waiting for a man whose going to quote me for new guttering etc. I can't decorate my bedroom or the hall/stairs/landing until it's done, and it's going to be expensive :(

I'm not sure the guttering will survive another winter, it's been up about 73 years.

I'm probably going to have to include it in the re-mortgage, unless H finally gives me the caravan money he owes me (if he doesn't it will be deducted from his equity so he'll be coughing up my money one way or the other.

Are you getting more than one quote? It's an important job that you'll be able to feel good you've got done.

All this negotiating of finances must be exhausting and stressful. So far STBXH has been very reasonable, which is unnerving in itself. I'm dreading getting down to the nitty gritty of an actual settlement. He's always been such a bully and believes, heart & soul, that he should always get what he wants. Whatever it takes. SHL can deal with him. I always put my head down when The Bar starts discussing financials, I know it will bring out the worst in STBXH. I won't be a pushover, this is my future, but standing up to him will be hard.

Congratulations on your job rozalia - what an inspiration !

Funnily enough I have had dreamless sleeps until the last few nights - you would think it would be the reverse.... maybe we are just so mentally exhausted at first?

I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to consider what to do - did see a guy early on but he just panicked me and think it was all too early for me. I am in a similar situation to some here - no one has filed as yet. My H said he would do it " to save me the trouble" ( WTF) but he is just pretending that nothing is happening for most of the time unless forced - too busy trying to be happy! I don't know what to do as feel that I should MAKE him do it ( if you get me) as he is the one who wants it and also he may be going back to work again so feel that I am entitled to a bit of that. Sounds mercenary I know but - when you are my age and you haven't worked formally for 20 years - well that's the harsh reality. Very confused about what to do so going to see her to just consider options. Any comments welcome.

Thanks WiseOne .

Going to see Sol so you can consider options sounds a good iPad to me. You don't have to take action until you're ready, but you know the possibilities.

Also gives you a chance to see how you work with this particular sol too. You want to feel you have a bit of trust and mutual understanding, I think.

Roz That was quote number two, the first one was ridiculous, this one was more what I expected and they're a local company with a good reputation, I'm going to get them to do it when I'm ready. It will help with the house value so it won't happen until the finances are sorted and the house is in my name only.

I haven't filed yet, I'm holding off until I have all the financial information I need, my pension info is taking forever, then I'm hoping we can come to a simple arrangement and the actual divorce shouldn't take long, like your stbxh money brings out the worst in H so I'll be glad when it's all sorted.

We've had some preliminary discussions which consisted of him plucking a figure out of the air before I'd even had the house valued, and then saying if I'm going to be difficult he wants 50% which he's no chance of ever getting, so it could get messy, which would be madness given we're not talking about vast sums of money.

Does anyone know, will he have to give his actual address for the formal divorce papers? He doesn't want to disclose it (which adds to my concerns around benefit fraud), but surely I don't have to have his paperwork coming here when he doesn't live here? Maybe I need to ask on the legal matters board.

Hi everyone, congrats on the new job roz
braving , he has to give an address for the petition to be sent to, but it doesn't have to be his actual address, for service, it could be his works address for instance. But he doesn't have to know that does he?
You could be a bit sneaky< I certainly was> and say he has to provide a correct address for the court, and then you will find out where he is living.

The other form, has a place on it to give details where he is living and who else resides in the house with him, along with a lot of other financial details, including those of his cohabitee and her assets.

Struggling a bit at the moment, having a lot of issues with youngest son, re eating disorder and uni. He wants to take a year out to sort his demons out, but I just don't think he will ever go back to finish his degree once he's out of the loop.

He is so intelligent and it would be such a waste if he just drifted along without realising his potential. I don't want him just to stay in his bedroom for a year, which is what he does now.

The financial implications are huge as well, although I ultimately only want what's best for him. Maybe uni just isn't a good fit for him.

It's just stress on top of more stress for me though and I'm finding it overwhelming on occasion, I feel like I just want to run away from everything. Although I know that wouldn't solve anything

Braving mine wouldnt give an address but accepted it and sign it c/o his solicitors address.. what a prick .. he was here at the MH everyday

Hobbit I'm hoping to avoid getting into details, I really don't want to know about her or their situation really.

The financial position should be very simple, it's just the house equity and pensions, our pensions might be reasonable similar, so it might just be a case of agreeing a figure for the equity and dividing up the few higher value items, and getting my share of the caravan.

I'm torn on the address thing, maybe I'll suggest sending papers to him at work and see what he thinks of that. That said, if dd ever goes to stay there overnight I'll want to know where she is - dunno.

The Judge threw my first petition out as they said as he wasnt actually living here (only attending daily)

Bugger.

All it did was delay the agony, maybe your sol can advise where best to serve it

Hobbit I'm so sorry you have the issues with your youngest to deal with as well as everything else. I assume you have taken professional advice on all of it? What are the financial implications, is it repayment of certain fees? If that's the case, then surely you must have to go back to the ex to negotiate how this will be dealt with? Sorry if I'm being too nosy or pushy or whatever. Thinking of you, I know you have an awful lot to cope with

sorry Hobbit I didnt see your post, sorry to hear about your DS

As I go through these posts I see so many things that I could have written is scarily similar.

The treatment of the children (manipulation)
The blaming everything on me (yep he used to call me a shit magnet...well I attracted him didn't I)
The transferring his guilt to me (I suppose the viciousness he has subject me to should all be directed at himself...although perhaps Iam stronger than him because he would never had been able to cope with this)
The strange behaviour with his family...he didn't talk to his brother for years then suddenly they are the best of buddys. Plus he fell out with his dad...we had new decking put in and his dad assumed that he could have his birthday party at our house (we would have had to pay for it) and he told them it wasn't going to happen.

My feelings...god I just wish I could turn it off...my head definitely knows what he is but my heart needs to catch up.
I was always supportive of his career and even when I was ill I encourage him to go on a course so he didn't miss out...well he certainly didn't because he had an affair with the bloody instructor.

And what is it with their bloody addresses...they know where we live why can't we know where they are.

Roz brilliant news about the job. You deserve it.

Hobbit...so sorry you're having a hard time. It is so overwhelming sometimes...hold on. You're doing so well ....despite all the shit. Sending you big hugs xxxx

Well done Roz You seem to have done so well picking yourself up and job-wise - brilliant don't blame you for putting you head down when some of us start discussing financials. It's so different for everyone

Braving perhaps get the divorce petition done first and hope he puts the correct address down. If he doesn't realise the implication he soon will when he faces Form E

wise not sure if you can claim anything from him potentially going back to work. I guess that would be your excuse for claiming a greater share of the assets in that he his demonstrating he can still earn. Not sure how old he is? As long as you get your fair share of his current pension/assets would be the most important thing I would say.

Whyme you're right they know where we live and can continue with the harrasment but we can't know where they live (just in case we harrass them) well that was his excuse anyway, well I know where he lives now as somebody slipped up and I have no intentions of going round there but I do hope its on the third floor and he falls out of the window..accidentally, of course

Window ...accident...whoops! Weasel...mp5 misfire...whooops...nope I've never thought of that either!

Hobbit

Is DS at uni atm or due to go this September? It's not for everyone (I never went but then I's not that clever ). I don't know what he's planning to study but could he do a year work experience and take it from there? I think he should realise that just staying in his room for a year is not an option. I had eating "issues" at that age which did dictate my life somewhat, but it didn't stop me doing what I wanted to do. I hope he is getting help

I didn't know where stbx moved to, but when I filled in the divorce petition, my sent it to his sol and he had to fill in his address - ie just left it to the sols. I found his new address when I received some of his bank statements as it was detailed on the monthly rental payment